(A childhood friend and I are on the same course at the same university. We are in our first year, and I assume everything is going well. I am in a local café when my friend comes in.)

Friend: “I hate this!”

Me: “We can go somewhere else?”

Friend: “No, uni! I hate uni!”

Me: “It isn’t that bad.”

Friend: “I didn’t even want to come!”

Me: “Then why did you?”

Friend: “Because you did.”

(Great. Landing yourself in debt and forcing yourself into higher education, just so you can be with your friend.)

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College Girl #1: “Our friend is registered here, but we can’t find her name on the computer.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah, it’s broken.”

College Girl #1: “She’s like one of our best friends and we need to get her a present.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay, well let’s try it again.”

(We walk over to the gift registry kiosk.)

Me: “So is your friend registered for a wedding or baby shower?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “…Wedding?”

Me: “Okay…what’s her first name?”

College Girl #1: “Sarah…”

Me: “Is that with an ‘h’ at the end, or is it just S-A-R-A?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

Me: “Okay, well the computer can search using the first two letters of the first name, so we’ll just put in S-A. And what is her last name?”

College Girl #1: *says something unintelligible that sounds like “Pheuyben”*

Me: “And how do you spell it?”

(The girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “Um…”

College Girl #1: “Uh…”

Me: “Does it start with an ‘f’ or a ‘p-h’?”

College Girl #1: “P-h.”

College Girl #2: “F.”

(The girls look at each other confused. Oh. My. God. If I had “best friends” like that I’d swallow some Drano.)