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Doing Away With Niceties

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 24, 2017

(I’m cooking dinner next to my best friend and roommate when she accidentally knocks something over and it falls to the floor.)

Me: “This is why we can’t have nice things, [Friend].”

Friend: “We can’t have nice things because we’re poor, [My Name].”

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The Power Of A Name

, , , , , , | Friendly Related | October 2, 2017

My best friend of 22 years recently got married. We grew up together, and our families were extremely close once. I consider her and her twin sister to be my soul-sisters, and their mother is like an aunt to me. They feel the same, and love my mother and me dearly.

My wonderful mother, unfortunately, passed away about eight years ago. Between then and now, I have been estranged from my biological family, and my friends’ family and mine also stopped talking completely, except for my best friend and me. I was therefore the only member of my biological family to attend the wedding, and I was a bridesmaid. Obviously, it was very emotional for everyone involved.

Of course, being a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding was a huge honor, and I loved every second, but my best friend had a bit of a surprise for me. She and her husband decided to observe a Jewish tradition in which you call upon the names of deceased relatives to join you in the special occasion.

Amongst the names of their respective deceased relatives, I suddenly heard the rabbi say my mother’s name. I was overwhelmed by the honor they had given my mother, and it stands as the most heartwarming gesture anyone has ever made in her memory.

Later, the bride told me that the rabbi had not wanted to include her name as “she was not related by blood,” but that she insisted on it.

Thank you, Sissa; I love you so much!


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Very Blah-sé About Getting A Letter

, , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2017

(My friend and I are in our early 20s at the time this story takes place, and my friend has just gotten her first office job with her own desk. She’s so excited about it that I decide to mail a letter to the office, to be delivered to her at her new desk. However, as a joke, all the letter says is variations of “blah blah, blabby blah blah-blah” and so on for an entire page, and is signed “Love, [My Name]” at the end. The letter arrives.)

Friend: “Oooh, I got mail! Look, it’s from my friend!”

(She opens the letter on her lunch break, reads it, and manages NOT to dissolve into laughter. Instead, she pretends it is very interesting and makes many “Ooh” and “wow!” comments, in full view of the other coworkers who are also on their lunch breaks.)

Coworker: “What’s it say?”

Friend: *handing over the letter* “Here, you can read for yourself! So nice of my friend to send me a letter. She recently moved out of town, you know. I haven’t seen her in a while.”

Coworker: “What? All this says is ‘blah’!”

Friend: “No, it doesn’t! Look! It says, ‘Dear [Friend], I miss you. The weather this week is scorchingly hot…’”

(She took the letter back and made up a story on the spot, pretending to read from the sheet full of “blahs” and using details from an earlier phone conversation we’d had. The entire office was baffled. When she called me later to relate the story, we were in tears from laughing so hard!)


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A Friendly Way To Learn

, , , | Friendly Learning | May 31, 2017

(A childhood friend and I are on the same course at the same university. We are in our first year, and I assume everything is going well. I am in a local café when my friend comes in.)

Friend: “I hate this!”

Me: “We can go somewhere else?”

Friend: “No, uni! I hate uni!”

Me: “It isn’t that bad.”

Friend: “I didn’t even want to come!”

Me: “Then why did you?”

Friend: “Because you did.”

(Great. Landing yourself in debt and forcing yourself into higher education, just so you can be with your friend.)


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Like, Oh My God!

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2007

College Girl #1: “Our friend is registered here, but we can’t find her name on the computer.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah, it’s broken.”

College Girl #1: “She’s like one of our best friends and we need to get her a present.”

College Girl #2: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh, okay, well let’s try it again.”

(We walk over to the gift registry kiosk.)

Me: “So is your friend registered for a wedding or baby shower?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “…Wedding?”

Me: “Okay…what’s her first name?”

College Girl #1: “Sarah…”

Me: “Is that with an ‘h’ at the end, or is it just S-A-R-A?”

(The two girls look at each other confused.)

Me: “Okay, well the computer can search using the first two letters of the first name, so we’ll just put in S-A. And what is her last name?”

College Girl #1: *says something unintelligible that sounds like “Pheuyben”*

Me: “And how do you spell it?”

(The girls look at each other confused.)

College Girl #2: “Um…”

College Girl #1: “Uh…”

Me: “Does it start with an ‘f’ or a ‘p-h’?”

College Girl #1: “P-h.”

College Girl #2: “F.”

(The girls look at each other confused. Oh. My. God. If I had “best friends” like that I’d swallow some Drano.)

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