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Ordainers Can’t Be Choosers

, , , , | Friendly | July 18, 2019

(My best friend and I are both 25. She has been married for a year now, and I can’t remember the last time I went on a second date. She’s telling me that she and her husband both got ordained from some online group.)

Me: “You’re not going to be my maid of honor now; you’re going to be the one performing the wedding.”

Friend: “Or both! Or [Husband] can perform the wedding, since your spouse might not be close enough with him to have him as a groomsman. Or bridesman.”

Me: “Future spouse will probably be a man.”

Friend: “At this point, can you afford to be picky?”

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Don’t Ask Questions If You Don’t Want Answers

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 25, 2019

(My boyfriend’s best friend was a bit promiscuous during his teens and early twenties and, as such, has many past conquests and ex-partners in our small English village. One day, at a BBQ, [Friend] introduces his new girlfriend, who he met online. She is fairly young and naive, and spends the entire time insulting people without realising it. They have only been dating a short time. She wastes no time in cornering me and trying to inquire about [Friend]’s past relationships.)

Me: “I really don’t feel comfortable telling you about that stuff. That’s something you need to talk about with him.”

Girl: “Come on! It can’t be that bad! Just because you look like a slut it doesn’t mean everyone is.”

Me: “You really want the truth?”

Girl: “Come on! Just tell me! I need to know.”

Me: “He’s slept with her… And her… And that woman over there with the baby? They went out two years ago before she met her husband. He kissed… her… Cheated on her…” *names almost every female at the party* “Oh. And I’m pretty sure he and my boyfriend fooled around a few times when they were teenagers, too. Did that answer your question?”

(The girl ran away crying. I really shouldn’t have risen to the bait and given her an answer, but she made me so angry. Luckily, my friend saw the funny side. Apparently, he had disclosed all of what I had said before the party and had been completely honest with her. The girl had thought that he was exaggerating.)

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I Drink Your Milkshake!

, , , , | Friendly | March 31, 2019

(While doing some running around, I decide to treat myself. It’s spring and milkshakes are available at the local burger place. I use the drive-thru and order a small chocolate one, and while I’m waiting, another vehicle pulls up. I notice because their music is loud and I can see them rocking out in their car. It is bright outside and while I can see there are two people, I cannot make out any details to identify them. I pull up to the window.)

Worker: “It’s free. Have a good day.”

Me: “Really?”

Worker: “Really.”

Me: “Okay. Is it a promotional thing or something?”

Worker: “No.”

Me: “Okay, then why is it free?”

Worker: “Oh, your friend is paying for it.”

Me: “My friend?”

Worker: *clearly getting annoyed* “Yes, your friend in the car behind you. Have a nice day.”

(She closes the window before I can say another word. I pull forward, trying to see who is in the car behind me, but with the sun reflecting I can’t see into the vehicle. It gets to the point that either I continue blocking the drive-thru or I give up. The drive-thru is full, so I decide it’s best to keep moving. I leave the drive-thru, and about a block later my cell goes off. I arrive at my next stop, check my messages, and reply)

Best Friend: “Figure out who paid for your shake yet?”

Me: “No. I couldn’t see into the car; the sun was reflecting too much.”

Best Friend: “That sucks. Is the chocolate shake at least good?”

(I finally realized she was the one who’d bought my shake and I thanked her. FYI: she’s still laughing at me.)

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Takes More Than That To Make This Friendship Dead

, , , , , | Friendly | January 28, 2019

One of my best friends always used to do this thing where we would say something, and she would then say, “Your mom’s [whatever we said].” For instance, when I was mentioning how hungry I was before lunch, she’d say, “Your mom’s hungry.” More often than not, it happened without her really processing what she’d heard and she’d blurt out her response. This was one of those moments.

In mid-November, my mother passed away. (You can probably already tell where this is going.) This incident took place in April. I was playing an action game on my phone before school in the cafeteria where we usually sat with a few of my other friends when she walked to our table. Just to mess with me, as I was tapping the screen to send my team to attack, she said, “You missed one!” My response, because it was the truth, was that it was because that character was dead. Her immediate reply was, “Your mom’s dead.”

The moment she finished her sentence, she realized what she’d said and the horror crossed over her face. She immediately started to apologize and hug me. Knowing that it was never her intention to hurt me and this was an automatic thing, I laughed it off and told her we were good. And we still are good to this day. She’s basically a sister I never got and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Can’t Sneak This Past You

, , , , | Friendly | July 28, 2018

(My best friend and I are both high school seniors, and since it’s likely that we’re going to different colleges, we’re talking about the crazy memories we’re going to make. A common saying in my friend group is, “If it sounds like something [My Name] would do, don’t do it!”)

Friend: “I want to try sneak-attack peeing on someone from a tree.”

Me: “[Friend], that sounds like something that you would be telling hammered-me not to do.”

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