As a Scotsman living in Switzerland, I often get asked “The Question” about my kilt — the answer to which, of course, is, “Mind your own d*** business.” However, sometimes people go a little further than simply asking. Over the years, I have had a number of women and men (usually drunk) try to lift up my kilt to verify for themselves. Usually, I am polite and gentle with them whilst steering them away. Usually.

This case was particularly egregious. I was attending a major concert with my son, and naturally, we were both kilted. While he was off getting some drinks, a very drunk woman in her sixties came up to me and tried the usual moves. I gently eased her away and she staggered off.  

Then, my son arrived back with some beers. The woman came back, this time wielding a phone. My son thought she was asking to take a picture with him. (We often get that, and it’s always a pleasure to take a snap with someone.)

But no, she was asking to take a picture UP HIS KILT! I saw her swoop down, and that was enough; Papa Bear saw red.

I stepped in and walked her backward from him, yelling:

Me: “NO! NO! YOU DO NOT DO THAT! GO AWAY! GO AWAY NOW! GO AWAY AND SIT DOWN!”

Those were my actual words; I did not swear at her despite the provocation.

She had a look on her face that showed she had no idea that she was doing anything wrong, yet if I had tried to lift up her skirt or take a photograph in the same manner, I would (rightly) have been treated as a criminal.

Scotsmen are people; treat us with respect, folks.

(Before payment, we always ask customers whether they want to eat here or take their food out. We have to do that due to different taxes on takeout food.) 

Customer: *orders her meal*

Me: “Would you like to eat here or take your food out?”

Customer: “No, thanks.”

Me: *repeats question*

Customer: “NO, THANKS! I just want to eat my food in a regular way.”

Me: “I’m sure you do, but would you like to sit down or have your food wrapped and bagged?”

Customer: “NOOO!” *rolling eyes* “Just the normal thing! Regular eating! Reeeeeguuuuularrr!”

Me: “So, you want to sit down?”

Customer: “Um, no. Takeout, please.”