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Sick Of Not Being Sick

, , , , | Working | October 17, 2017

(After being as fit as a fiddle for more than two years, I get sick. A really bad cold knocks me out for a whole week. I can’t speak, and barely eat or drink. When I’m finally healthy and back at work the next week, I bump into my coworker.)

Coworker: “Hey, how was your vacation?”

(He wasn’t the only one who asked me that. I really need to get sick more often.)

Have I Got A (Pony)Tale To Tell You!

, , , | Working | August 30, 2017

(I have very thick, straight hair that grows fast. Yes, I’m happy about it. Still, when it gets too long, it’s very heavy, and I don’t have the patience to do more with it than tie it in a ponytail, so I guess it’s somewhat wasted on me. I decide to get a haircut – from waist-length hair to shoulder-length – and go to the hairdresser’s. After I explain what I want, the hairdresser still seems reluctant.)

Hairdresser: “Are you sure? I mean, really sure?”

Me: “Yup. 100 %. I know it’s quite a change, but I’ve done this before. It’s fine.”

Hairdresser: “But it would take ages to grow back. I could just trim the ends a bit.”

Me: “Trust me. It takes one year to grow back. It’s heavy, it’s in the way, please cut it off.”

Hairdresser: “But are you really, really sure about this?”

Me: *getting a bit impatient* “Would you like a written consent form? Of course I’m sure!”

Hairdresser: “It’s just… the last woman who insisted she was completely sure ended up crying when my colleague actually cut her hair, and she yelled at us all. My colleague was traumatized and frankly, I’m scared.”

Me: “Oh, wow. Right. That sounds crazy. Tell you what. I’ll give it to you in writing and then you can just have fun with my hair.”

(It’s in good fun and I scribble out a quick statement of consent. I think that afterwards we can finally get to work. Instead:)

Hairdresser: *holding up pair of scissors* “All right! May I have everyone’s attention?”

(The salon isn’t full at the time, just a few customers, but every other hairdresser comes to look.)

Hairdresser: “This is so great. I can’t believe I’m allowed to do this.”

(As she moves to cut off my ponytail one of her colleagues gasps, others clap, and everyone cheers. When my hairdresser holds up the ponytail like some sort of trophy, people just keep on staring at me.)

Me: “…okay? Can you turn this mess into an actual hairstyle now?”

Hairdresser: “We’re just sort of still waiting for you to freak out.”

(For the record, I didn’t, and my new hairstyle looked really nice. I just still don’t know whether to find that scene funny or slightly disturbing!)

 

You’ve Upgraded From The Underwear Dream

, , , | Friendly | July 16, 2017

(We’re a group of four girls, all close friends, and are having a sleepover in my friend’s tiny apartment. It’s pretty much one bedroom with a kitchenette, a tiny bathroom, and even tinier hallway. With four of us there it’s pretty crowded, but we make do. After some hours of drinking and silly games, one friend has already fallen asleep on the couch while the rest of us talk for a while. We finally decide to go to bed and just let our friend sleep through it since she seems comfortable enough. Unfortunately, she wakes up just as we’re all changing, in the main room, since there are no other options.)

Friend: “Wha… oh, god. Why are you all naked? Is this one of those weird dreams?” *gets a shocked look on her face* “Am I naked, too? Please tell me I’m not!”

If You’re Rude, You Get Screwed

, , , | Right | March 20, 2011

(I am serving a customer. He appears to be trying to impress his girlfriend.)

Customer: “This wine is corked!”

Me: “No, sir. It’s not corked.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! How dare you? A simple server should never say I’m lying! I want to speak to the manager!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Customer: “This wine is corked, and this guy is calling me a liar!”

Manager: *to me* “How can you be so sure his wine is not corked?”

Me: “The bottle had a screw cap.”


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Post Dramatic

, , , | Right | June 26, 2010

(I receive a call from an upset customer who is waiting for her mobile phone to be delivered.)

Customer: “My daughter’s birthday was in February! Since then, we’ve been waiting for this mobile phone!”

Me: “I’m really sorry; I will forward this immediately to my colleagues and–”

Customer: “I don’t know whether you’re a mother, but if you are you can understand the pain! How it feels if your own child is always waiting for her mobile phone!”