The Birds And The TVs

, , , , , , | Related | October 25, 2018

My parents decided not to have a television when my brother and I were younger; they didn’t want us growing up addicted to TV. My dad is an OB/Gyn, but at the point of this story, neither of my parents have told my brother or me anything about the facts of life… intentionally, that is. My brother is four, and I am two when my parents observe this scene.

My brother is on his back on the floor, knees bent and covered with a blanket. I am under the blanket and I come crawling out from beneath his legs. In other words, he “gives birth” to me. My brother sits up and starts cuddling me, saying, “My baby, my baby!” in a very excited voice.

My dad looks at my mom and says, deadpan, “Maybe we should get a TV, after all.”

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Popcorn Forlorn

, , , , , | Right | March 16, 2018

(Just as Girl Scouts sell cookies, Boy Scouts sell popcorn. We sell many different kinds, including caramel and chocolate. One day, we are selling chocolate popcorn to the people entering and exiting a popular supermarket. Our Scoutmaster is away checking on another popcorn stand.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Would you like to help support—”

Man: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me two packages of the mint ones.”

(We don’t sell mint popcorn, so I am confused.)

Me: “But we don’t—”

Man: “Hey! I just want my cookies! Bring me my cookies and stop ignoring me! Do you want to lose my business?”

(Luckily, there is another Boy Scout at our stand.)

Fellow Boy Scout: “Look, he was trying to say—”

Man: “JUST GIVE ME MY COOKIES! IS THAT SO HARD? HUH?”

(My Scoutmaster arrives.)

Scoutmaster: “Is there a problem here?”

Man: “YES! THESE F****** GIRL SCOUTS WON’T GIVE ME ANY F****** COOKIES!”

Scoutmaster: “They aren’t Girl Scouts. They are Boy Scouts. And we’re selling popcorn, not cookies.”

Man: *turns to me* “And why exactly didn’t you tell me this? Are you trying to lose business? Maybe I would have bought the popcorn, instead, if I wanted it! Ever thought about that?”

Fellow Boy Scout: “He’s been trying to tell you that! You’re just interrupting him!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Man: “You’re making me confused! I demand two packages of each popcorn for free!”

Me: “No! You insulted us and now you want free popcorn? I don’t think so!”

Man: “FINE! I’ll leave! Idiots! You’re all idiots!”

(None of us ever saw him again.)

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