The Office Scuttlebutt Is Getting Steamy!

, , , , , | Working | February 26, 2021

This is before cell phones were a thing. It’s before email, as well, so a lot of business is done over the phone. Call waiting exists but is expensive, so two phones for one desk are not unusual.

Me: “Hello, can I speak to [Employee], please?”

[Supplier] on the phone speaks with a strange intonation, which I later make out to be between seething and laughing.

Supplier: “[Employee] is no longer working for [Company].”

Me: “Oh, did she leave? I spoke to her yesterday and she didn’t mention it.”

Supplier: “That is because she didn’t know it then.”

Yep, definitely an edge in her voice.

Me: “Oh. Well, I…”

Supplier: “Yeah, you see, she has a boyfriend, and I suspect he is married, and she calls him at the office. It is the first call she makes every day and the last, and in between again a few times. They are long as well, which means I have to do her job on top of mine while she has sickening dialogs with her boyfriend.”

Me: “Not nice, indeed.”

Supplier: “So, yesterday, I got fed up with it. I had a phone call and another on the second extension, and then her phone started ringing which she ignored whilst continuing to exchange sweet talk with her sweetheart, and it became too much, so I jumped up and disconnected the call. She became mad, jumped up, as well, and slapped me in the face.”

Me: “Oops.”

Supplier: “The best part was that one of the higher-ups just passed by and wanted to know what happened. So, we were called to the office, we told our side of things, I got a faint slap on the wrist, and she was sent packing.”

Me: “But now you need to do all the work.”

Supplier: “Not a problem. I am used to it anyway, and now, as a bonus, I don’t need to listen to her phone sex anymore. And they are going to replace her! So, what can I do for you today?”

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Haven’t You Heard Of Tinder?

, , , | Romantic | February 26, 2021

I’m at work when my company cell phone rings; it’s an unfamiliar number. I pick up and a man is on the line. He apparently does not hear the voice he expected.

Caller: “Hi… I’m looking for [Stranger]?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t know anyone by that name. You’re speaking to [My Name].”

Caller: “No, that’s not right. This number belongs to [Stranger].”

Me: “Well, this is my work number, which I only received very recently, and numbers do get reused for new users, so I guess this number might have belonged to someone else before me. Sorry, I don’t know how to help you further.”

The caller pauses for a moment.

Caller: “Are you single?”

Me: *Confused* “Um, excuse me?”

Caller: “You sound attractive.”

Me: “Um, that’s a strange way to meet people. I’m not on the market, though.”

Caller: “I thought it might be a sign from God. You know, it’s so funny, me meeting you through this call; it must have been destiny.”

Me: “Yeah, how about no?”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Bye, then.”

I’m still wondering if this method of picking up dates ever works on anyone.

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Book This One Under Lost Cause, Part 2

, , , | Right | February 9, 2021

I work in a university library.

Patron: “Hi, I’d like to buy this book.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we don’t sell books. You can borrow it, though.”

Patron: “No, I don’t want to borrow it. I want to buy it!”

Me: “Well, then, you could go to [Local Bookshop]. It’s not even three minutes away.”

Patron: “But I wanted to buy it here… Do you really never sell any books? Ever?”

Me: “Well, we do sell books sometimes, but only old books we don’t need any more, and it’s not often. The one you want is fairly new, so no, we probably won’t sell it.”

Patron: “Aww, that’s too bad.”

He hands me the book and I put it away. I think he’s leaving but he comes back suddenly.

Patron: “Actually, do you have any comics?”

Me: “Yes, we have some historical comics in the history section and some educational comics in—”

Patron: “No, no, I mean fun comics.”

Me: “No. You might want to try [Local Comic Shop] or [Local Public Library] for that. They’re not far from here, either.”

Patron: “But why don’t you have some? You’re also a library.”

Me: “Because we’re a university library, sir, not a public library. All books here are supposed to help students with their classes.”

Patron: “But students need to relax sometimes!”

Me: “Yes, obviously, but we’re located in the town center. Students can relax pretty much everywhere here; there are bookshops, the comic shop, the shopping center, the cinema, coffee shops, and many more.”

Patron: *Muttering* “Mmmh… it’s really too bad that you don’t have comics… Too bad…”

He finally left. I have no idea why he didn’t just go to any of the shops or the public library.

Book This One Under Lost Cause

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The Ultimate Finisher

, , , | Right | January 26, 2021

I work in a call center for people having trouble with their car. At the end of each call, I automatically launch into, “Our technician will be with you between now and [estimated time],” to give them an idea how long they may have to wait.

The number of people who interrupt me, only to ask me how long it’s going to take, has prompted me to start answering with, “Well, if you’ll let me finish…”

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Can’t You Like… Move Brazil Into Europe?

, , | Right | January 26, 2021

My employer organises courses in Europe. The name of the organisation literally has the word “Europe” in it, yet there still seems to be some confusion.

Customer: “Do you organise courses in Brazil?”

Me: “Unfortunately not. All our courses are in Europe.”

Customer: “I don’t like your answer.”

I’m sorry…?

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