A Shrimpy Life Span

| Related | February 2, 2015

(My six-year-old brother and I are enjoying a bit of rock-pooling on the beach. My brother has found a shrimp which he calls ‘Shrimpy’, and puts him in a bucket.)

Mum: “C’mon, almost time to go home.”

Brother: “Can I keep Shrimpy as a pet?”

Mum: “No, he’s a wild animal. He belongs in his habitat, not a bucket. Put him back.”

(Very reluctantly, my brother tips Shrimpy’s bucket into a stream that runs down the beach. Shrimpy seems to wave goodbye, until suddenly he runs up against a sea anemone, which starts eating him.)


(A beat later:)

Brother: “Woah, cool sea anemone.”

Me: “Which is shorter, Shrimpy’s life span or my brother’s attention span?”

1 Thumbs

A Killer Comeback

| Friendly | August 30, 2014

(My parents, best friend since middle school, and I are at the beach. I have been suffering a bad cough for the whole trip.)

Me: *after a bad fit* “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

Best Friend: “You’re not fine! We can still hear you!”

(Everyone bursts into laughter as she realizes what she said.)

Best Friend: “No! I meant we can still hear you coughing!”

1 Thumbs

Little White Sand Lies

| Related | February 11, 2013

(I’m about 2 years old and at the beach with my mom. I’m throwing around sand and being a little loud. My mom tries to tell a white lie in order to get me to calm down by making up a story of a man who owns the beach.)

Mom: “If you don’t start behaving, Mr. Beach will come and tell you that you’re not allowed to come here ever again!”

(As soon as she says this, a rather obese man walks by in his swim suit.)

Me: *very loudly pointing and yelling* “IS THAT MR. BEACH?!”

(My mom never lied to me to get me to calm down again.)

1 Thumbs

You Have To Stick With Enablers

| Romantic | November 14, 2012

(Whilst on holiday, my husband of 12 years and I opt for a stroll on the beach. The sun is setting, the weather is perfect, the setting could not be more romantic.)

Me: *spots something in the sand, probably a beached jellyfish* “Ew, squishy. What
do you think it is?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Poke it with a stick.”

Me: *produces stick* “Way ahead of you there, darling.” *pokes*

Husband: *sighs* “I am an enabler.”

1 Thumbs

Surreal-ing The Seven Pees

| Romantic | September 20, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are stuck in a traffic jam leaving a popular beach. The line isn’t moving at all, and we both need to relieve our bladders. He jokes about running down to the ocean to do so before the line moves.)

Me: “But, that’s where they keep the sharks!”

Boyfriend: “In the water?”

Me: “Yeah. In the ocean.”

Boyfriend: “That’s a good place to keep them. It’d be scary if they kept them downtown.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be scary. They’d be dead because they’re fish and they wouldn’t be able to breathe.”

Boyfriend: “But, what if they had helmets with water?”

Me: “They still wouldn’t be able to walk.”

Boyfriend: “But they could roll towards you! They’d still have teeth!”

Me: “How would they bite you with the helmets on?”

Boyfriend: “…I think you win this one.”

1 Thumbs