Won’t Float Your Boat

| Friendly | August 6, 2016

(I’ve gone for a swim. Since the sand is hot, I wore my sandals up to near the edge of the water and left them there. When I come out some people have set up towels around where I left them so it’s not easy to find them immediately. I spot a pair of sandals near a small inflatable boat and go to see if they’re mine. They aren’t, but a woman sitting nearby with a toddler figures out what I’m doing. The toddler has been glaring at me angrily the entire time.)

Woman: “A pair of slippers? Over there.” *points*

Me: *seeing them* “Oh, thank you!” *I go to pick them up*

Toddler: *still giving me a death glare* “DON’T TAKE MY BOAT!”

Woman: “He’s not taking your boat…”

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Alarm Bells Are Going Ding-Ding

| Friendly | July 17, 2016

(I am seven years old, at the beach and I need to go to the bathroom. My cousin and her boyfriend take me, which was quite a walk away. After we do our business, my cousin has water on her hands and splashes it onto my neck.)

Me: “Is that pee?”

(Out of nowhere, a random old man comes out from behind one of the cars in the parking lot.)

Old Man: “Now that reminds me of a story. One time there was a monkey and lion in the forest. The monkey climbed up a tree and said, ‘Hey, lion, look! It’s raining!’ and started to pee on the lion. The next day, the monkey climbed up a tree and said, ‘Hey, lion, look! It’s snowing!’ and started pooping on the lion. Then the lion knocked him in the ding-ding.”

(We were so mortified. We all ran back to the beach and I started to cry and told my mom that the old man told us a story about his monkey’s ding-ding.)

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Teach Them To Sun-Screen What They Say

| Related | June 20, 2016

(I am five years old. Mom is putting sunscreen on me on the beach.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t like this. Why are you putting it on me?”

Mom: “So that you don’t get burnt, honey.”

Me: “Burnt…? Like when Daddy burns the chicken?”

Mom: *not paying attention* “Yeah.”

(Afterwards, a very dark-skinned black man passes by.)

Me: *loudly* “Mommy! He forgot to put on his sunscreen, didn’t he?!”

Mom: “Shh!”

This story is part of the Sunscreen roundup!

Read the next Sunscreen roundup story!

Read the Sunscreen roundup!

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If You Don’t Listen You Can Go Swim With The Fishes

, | Right | June 14, 2016

(We decide to have a day at the beach with our children. They are both being so well behaved we decide to go to the Sea Life Centre despite it being known as an expensive attraction.)

Customer: “How much are tickets?”

Cashier: “All prices are on the board to your left, but I can see that there are three of you so that would be £41. However, if you—”

Customer: “What?! That is ridiculous! How can you charge so much?”

Cashier: “Well, we operate a sea life hospital. Part of the ticket price goes to helping injured animals and releasing them back to the wild.”

Customer: “I am not paying that! Come on, we are leaving. What a rip off!”

Me: “Er… four, please.”

Cashier: “Great, thank you, that will be £55. But if you head over to the supermarket they will give you 40% off.”

Me: “Great! Thank you!”

(I dash over to the supermarket and pick up a voucher, I see the family still outside when I return but they are too busy shouting at each other to let me offer them a voucher. We ended up having a great time.)

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If The Restaurant Gives You Lemons…

| Working | March 30, 2016

(I and some friends arrive at a beach restaurant. It’s nothing fancy, but actually very modest. A server approaches and starts taking the order for our drinks.)

Me: “Hi. I’ll have a lemonade?”

Server: “We don’t have any lemonade.”

(I am really shocked, because lemonade is one of the most popular drinks probably on Earth.)

Me: “Okay… then… can I have a glass of water?”

Server: “Sure.”

Me: “And some lemons?”

Server: “Sure, I’ll bring some.”

Me: “And do you, by any chance have a little bit of sugar?”

Server: “I can bring you packets or cubes!”

Me: “Whichever you have is fine!”

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