The Mother Of All Nice Remarks

| Friendly | November 14, 2015

(I’ve always looked young for my age; even now at 30 I can still pass for a teenager, so I am used to odd looks and snarky comments when I take my baby daughter out on my own. She is hot, tired, and hungry. I just about manage to rock her in one arm, whilst preparing a bottle in the other. I eventually settle her down, get her fed, burped, and happy. I can feel the eyes of the family next to me bear down on me. Eventually the father of the group wanders over. I prepare for another lousy comment.)

Father: “You’re doing a great job.”

(That was it. It took me a few moments to unclench waiting for the mean remark.)

Me: “Er, thanks?”

(With a smile he left again. It was a rough day, but small comments can mean the world.)

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Can Only Accept Answer Number One

| Related | September 8, 2015

(I take my six-year-old daughter to the beach. It’s been a rainy June and the water is still cold. I take advantage to teach the kid some biology.)

Me: “Have you noticed that when you first got into the water it felt freezing, but then it felt okay? Do you know how is that?”

Daughter: “Uhm, because I peed in it?”

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Requires Shark Repellant

| Related | June 29, 2015

(When Jaws first came out, I was a preteen living on the ocean with family. We were at the beach every single day. The movie really had an impact on all the kids my age. Despite going swimming in the ocean every day of our lives, we were suddenly wary of every splash. I did some research (as is my habit) and found out that sharks are pretty shy creatures. They will generally strike whatever is farthest from the shore, turn, and swim back out to sea. That made sense to me so from that point forward, I always made sure my sister was swimming farther out than me. I related that story dozens of times but, apparently, for the first time in front of her when we were in our 40s. She was furious!)

Sister: “How dare you! You risked my life!”

Me: “Were you ever actually bitten by a shark? Have we ever actually SEEN a shark?”

Sister: “That’s not the point!”

(We are in our 50s now and I am still unforgiven (and unrepentant). In a few weeks, the whole family is getting together at the beach for the first time in decades, all the siblings, nieces and nephews. I am going to make sure her kids are swimming farther from the shore than mine.)

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Totally Potty For Each Other

| Romantic | March 6, 2015

(My girlfriend and I had met for the first time earlier in the day, though we had met online months before and connected easily through mutual interests, including Harry Potter. Our first date ends with us making out on the beach at midnight (though we’re not officially dating yet). We stop kissing briefly and have this conversation:)

Me: “Well, I guess we’re a thing now, aren’t we?”

Her: “Oh, no you don’t, mister; I want you to ask me properly to be your girlfriend!”

Me: “No, I won’t ask you out in a normal fashion!”

(I hold her at arm’s length and look her in the eyes.)

Me: “Will you be the Hermione to my Ron?”

Her: *giggles* “Oh, my god, YES!”

(Cue more smooching…)

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Will Be Ribbing Him About That

| Friendly | February 11, 2015

(My friends and I are at the beach when I take off my top. I’m very thin but also very unfit.)

Friend #1: “Oh my god, [My Name]! Are those abs!? You can’t have abs! You’re not allowed!”

Friend #2: *skeptically* “[My Name], you have abs? I wanna see!”

Me: “What are you guys talking about?” *I look at my stomach before sheepishly replying* “Oh… those aren’t abs… Those are my ribs…”

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