Always Telling The Tooth

, | Romantic | February 21, 2012

Boyfriend: “You know, your teeth are really cute sometimes.”

Me: *completely confused* “How, exactly?”

Boyfriend: “They’re like a squirrel’s teeth. Or a bunny rabbit! You’d look funny eating a carrot!”

Me: “Was that meant to be a compliment?”

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No Sting In This Tale, Part 2

, , , | Right | January 10, 2011

Beach Patron: “Excuse me, are these blue jelly things on the beach dangerous?”

Me: “Yes, sir, they are in fact Portuguese Man-o-War. They are extremely painful and can still sting you while on land.”

Beach Patron: “They can’t walk, can they?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Beach Patron: “Meaning they can’t walk on land and chase you?”

Me: “No, sir, they only live in water.”

Beach Patron: “I feel much safer. Thank you.”


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Repetition Is The Mother Of Stupidity

, , , | Right | March 22, 2010

(I am serving ice cream on the beach.)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Customer: “Have you got any icecream icecream?”

Me: “No, but we do have icecream icecream icecream.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s exactly what I was looking for!”

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Life’s A Beach

, | Right | September 14, 2009

(Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.)

Beachgoer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?”

Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.”

Me: “About what?”

Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–”

Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!”

(I call up my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?”

Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.”

Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?”

Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not her fault that there are rocks in the sea. If you want, we can treat your cut in first aid?”

Beachgoer: “What kind of idiots are you? I want this beach cleaned! I am going to get the government on you! And I don’t want any stupid first aid! I am going to get you both arrested for my injury!”

(She stormed off, but not before showing both of us a tiny scratch on her foot. The government never called.)


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Today, We Are All From Toronto

, , | Right | July 2, 2009

(The parking lot is full at a popular beach and the area is residential, so I have the job of turning cars away.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

Me: “Um… I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half-hour?”

Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

Me: “I know. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I have to keep this road clear.”

Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

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