Will Be Ribbing Him About That

| Friendly | February 11, 2015

(My friends and I are at the beach when I take off my top. I’m very thin but also very unfit.)

Friend #1: “Oh my god, [My Name]! Are those abs!? You can’t have abs! You’re not allowed!”

Friend #2: *skeptically* “[My Name], you have abs? I wanna see!”

Me: “What are you guys talking about?” *I look at my stomach before sheepishly replying* “Oh… those aren’t abs… Those are my ribs…”

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A Shrimpy Life Span

| Related | February 2, 2015

(My six-year-old brother and I are enjoying a bit of rock-pooling on the beach. My brother has found a shrimp which he calls ‘Shrimpy’, and puts him in a bucket.)

Mum: “C’mon, almost time to go home.”

Brother: “Can I keep Shrimpy as a pet?”

Mum: “No, he’s a wild animal. He belongs in his habitat, not a bucket. Put him back.”

(Very reluctantly, my brother tips Shrimpy’s bucket into a stream that runs down the beach. Shrimpy seems to wave goodbye, until suddenly he runs up against a sea anemone, which starts eating him.)


(A beat later:)

Brother: “Woah, cool sea anemone.”

Me: “Which is shorter, Shrimpy’s life span or my brother’s attention span?”

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A Killer Comeback

| Friendly | August 30, 2014

(My parents, best friend since middle school, and I are at the beach. I have been suffering a bad cough for the whole trip.)

Me: *after a bad fit* “Don’t worry. I’m fine.”

Best Friend: “You’re not fine! We can still hear you!”

(Everyone bursts into laughter as she realizes what she said.)

Best Friend: “No! I meant we can still hear you coughing!”

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Little White Sand Lies

| Related | February 11, 2013

(I’m about 2 years old and at the beach with my mom. I’m throwing around sand and being a little loud. My mom tries to tell a white lie in order to get me to calm down by making up a story of a man who owns the beach.)

Mom: “If you don’t start behaving, Mr. Beach will come and tell you that you’re not allowed to come here ever again!”

(As soon as she says this, a rather obese man walks by in his swim suit.)

Me: *very loudly pointing and yelling* “IS THAT MR. BEACH?!”

(My mom never lied to me to get me to calm down again.)

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You Have To Stick With Enablers

| Romantic | November 14, 2012

(Whilst on holiday, my husband of 12 years and I opt for a stroll on the beach. The sun is setting, the weather is perfect, the setting could not be more romantic.)

Me: *spots something in the sand, probably a beached jellyfish* “Ew, squishy. What
do you think it is?”

Husband: “I don’t know. Poke it with a stick.”

Me: *produces stick* “Way ahead of you there, darling.” *pokes*

Husband: *sighs* “I am an enabler.”

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