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When I Went Down To The Inflatable Pool To Pray…

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Bizarre, Religion

(I am a lifeguard at the beach. For the summer, my bosses install a big inflatable circuit where people try to go through without falling. Of course, all the water around it is reserved for the activity; people need to go further to swim in the lake. During the day, a man all dressed in black is entering the restricted water zone. He’s followed by many women, all dressed in white. They start to sing hymns and pray.)

Me: *on the walkie talkie* “Erm… inflatable lifeguard one to manager.”

Manager: *on the walkie talkie* “Manager tuned.”

Me: *trying really hard to speak, I’m laughing so much* “There… is… a… bap… baptising …in the water…”

Manager: “What? Can you repeat?”

Me: “There is a BAPTISING in the inflatable water.”

Manager: “…”

Me: “They are singing and praying. The preacher is baptising every woman, one by one.”

Manager: “I’m… I’m coming…”

(I see all other lifeguards looking and laughing from their chair. Finally, the manager comes after ten minutes. He just leans on the “Denied Access” notice and looks at them, dumbfounded. They finally leave the water, but not before another woman comes up to me, angry.)

Woman: “Soooo, we can baptise in the beach, now?!”

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If You Don’t Listen You Can Go Swim With The Fishes

, | England, UK | Money, Pets & Animals, Popular, Tourists/Travel

(We decide to have a day at the beach with our children. They are both being so well behaved we decide to go to the Sea Life Centre despite it being known as an expensive attraction.)

Customer: “How much are tickets?”

Cashier: “All prices are on the board to your left, but I can see that there are three of you so that would be £41. However, if you—”

Customer: “What?! That is ridiculous! How can you charge so much?”

Cashier: “Well, we operate a sea life hospital. Part of the ticket price goes to helping injured animals and releasing them back to the wild.”

Customer: “I am not paying that! Come on, we are leaving. What a rip off!”

Me: “Er… four, please.”

Cashier: “Great, thank you, that will be £55. But if you head over to the supermarket they will give you 40% off.”

Me: “Great! Thank you!”

(I dash over to the supermarket and pick up a voucher, I see the family still outside when I return but they are too busy shouting at each other to let me offer them a voucher. We ended up having a great time.)

No Sting In This Tale, Part 2

| FL, USA | Hall of Fame, Uncategorized

Beach Patron: “Excuse me, are these blue jelly things on the beach dangerous?”

Me: “Yes sir, they are in fact Portuguese Man-o-War. They are extremely painful and can still sting you while on land.”

Beach Patron: “They can’t walk, can they?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Beach Patron: “Meaning they can’t walk on land and chase you?”

Me: “No sir, they only live in water.”

Beach Patron: “I feel much safer. Thank you.”

Related:
No Sting In This Tale

Repetition Is The Mother Of Stupidity

| Cornwall, UK | Uncategorized

(I am serving ice cream on the beach.)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Customer: “Have you got any icecream icecream?”

Me: “No, but we do have icecream icecream icecream.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s exactly what I was looking for!”

Related:
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 3
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition, Part 2
Stupidity Is The Mother Of Repetition

Life’s A Beach

| Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid

(Note: I work as a lifeguard at a beach.)

Beachgoer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Hello, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Beachgoer: “I just got cut by a rock in the beach.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Would you like to make a trip to first aid?”

Beachgoer: “No, I would like to complain.”

Me: “About what?”

Beachgoer: “You work at the beach, right? You should make sure the sea is safe enough to swim in!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t actually–”

Beachgoer: “Nonsense! You should make sure there are no rocks! I want to talk to your manager!”

(I call up my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Yes, what seems to be the problem?”

Beachgoer: “I want to complain about your staff.”

Supervisor: “Yes, what did they do?”

Beachgoer: “She told me she can’t clean the sea of rocks. What if I get another injury?”

Supervisor: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not her fault that there are rocks in the sea. If you want, we can treat your cut in first aid?”

Beachgoer: “What kind of idiots are you? I want this beach cleaned! I am going to get the government on you! And I don’t want any stupid first aid! I am going to get you both arrested for my injury!”

(She storms off, but not before showing both of us a tiny scratch on her foot. The government never called.)

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