The Awkward Door Shuffle Makes Things Go South

, , , , , | Learning | June 5, 2018

(I was born and raised in the midwest, but moved south for college, and adapted to the local quirks quickly, including door-holding. If there is someone within fifteen seconds of the door, you will hold it for them and you will hold the door until no one is within that distance, regardless of holder/holdee gender combination. However, some guys will not walk through doors held by women, instead insisting on taking the door in an awkward handoff, even if there are fifteen people behind them.)

Me: *grabs door and holds it open after class gets out*

Classmate: *who is a foot taller and a good 150 pounds heavier than me* “Oh, miss, let me get the door for you.”


Classmate: *looking at me with equal parts terror and respect* “Yes, ma’am.”

Professor: “That was a bit harsh.”

Me: “I’d feel bad, but that was the third time some southern gentleman tried to do the awkward door shuffle with me.”

Professor: “Third time this week?”

Me: “Third time today.”

Should Join The National Reading Association, Instead

, , , , | Right | April 2, 2018

(Guns come with different size barrels, or calibers. You have to buy the right size bullet for your gun’s dimensions in order to fire it. I am waiting for an associate to check something for me when the shop phone rings. Another associate picks it up, and everyone in earshot overhears his side of the conversation.)

Associate: *after listening for a moment* “No, sir, I apologize, but we do not accept returns on ammunition.” *pause* “I understand, but we can’t resell it because we can’t guarantee what was done to it after it left the shop.” *pause* “Right. Yes, sir, and I’m sorry for the inconvenience. But if you’d like to come back in, we can help you find the right kind.”

(There is another pause and then he hangs up.)

Associate: *to coworker* “Guy didn’t check which caliber he needed before he bought his ammo. He’s coming back, just a heads up.”

(The associate helping me came back and we went to another part of the store together. Once I finished, I passed back by the front counter, where a customer was arguing with the associate over returning the ammo he had purchased earlier in the day. The poor associate was trying to explain the store policy — pretty much the same as everywhere you could buy ammo — while the customer yelled at him. The kicker? When I went to push open the only entrance and exit door, I was face to face with a three-foot stop sign sticker that said, “All ammo sales are final!” in giant letters!)

A Conversational Attack

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 12, 2018

(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the other seat of the two-person booth I’m in, but I figure the cafeteria’s packed and there’s nowhere else to sit.)

Stranger: “Hey.”

Me: *not paying attention* “Hi.”

Stranger: “How’re you doing?”

Me: “Eh.”

Stranger: “What’re you working on?”

Me: “Term paper.”

Stranger: “Cool. What class?”

Me: “I don’t want to be rude, but this paper is due tomorrow, and it’s worth half my grade, so I’d rather focus on this.”

Stranger: “God, I just wanted to talk.”

Me: “It’s dead week, it’s six pm, and I’m in pajama pants. My hair is clearly overdue for a wash, I’m eating and typing with considerably more focus on the latter, and I’m sitting at a table that can hold meals for two, or a meal and laptop for one. What made you look that that and think, ‘That’s a girl crying out for small talk with a stranger’?”

Stranger: “You don’t need to be such a b****.”

Me: “Apparently, I do.”

Unfiltered Story #103840

, , , | Unfiltered | January 18, 2018

I work for a company that issues computers to all of its field employees. I work in the corporate office, troubleshooting various issues.

A user called in after her laptop keyboard quit working all of a sudden. She said she was using it, got up for something, came back, and then all of the keys wouldn’t work. Some would, some wouldn’t, but she couldn’t log in because only some of the keys would detect when typing. The screen was kind of glitching out too.

After a couple of minutes, she then ads, “Oh, and I spilled some water on it. Do you think that would cause the problem?”

Stupid Drives Long Distance

, , , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(This takes place in the CD/DVD department of a national chain bookstore. I have just handed the customer the movie she is looking for.)

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “$49.95.”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Me: “That’s a special collector’s edition. It comes with extra…”

Customer: “I saw it for 50% off at your store across town yesterday.”

Me: “I’m sure you did. But today is the first Tuesday of the month, and all the sales and special offers changed this morning.”

Customer: “It’s 50% off at your other store, why not here?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The price changed just this morning. I’m sorry for the confusion.”

Customer: *in a loud voice* “I’m driving to the other store because movies are 50% off there.” *storms out*

Customer #2: *who has been waiting patiently* “There is a tax on stupid, and today, that tax is a gallon of gasoline.”

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