Stupid Drives Long Distance

, , , , | Right | August 30, 2017

(This takes place in the CD/DVD department of a national chain bookstore. I have just handed the customer the movie she is looking for.)

Customer: “How much is it?”

Me: “$49.95.”

Customer: “Why is it so much?”

Me: “That’s a special collector’s edition. It comes with extra…”

Customer: “I saw it for 50% off at your store across town yesterday.”

Me: “I’m sure you did. But today is the first Tuesday of the month, and all the sales and special offers changed this morning.”

Customer: “It’s 50% off at your other store, why not here?”

Me: “No, ma’am. The price changed just this morning. I’m sorry for the confusion.”

Customer: *in a loud voice* “I’m driving to the other store because movies are 50% off there.” *storms out*

Customer #2: *who has been waiting patiently* “There is a tax on stupid, and today, that tax is a gallon of gasoline.”

Salads Just Got More Interesting

, , , , | Learning | August 14, 2017

(At college, I take a course on the modern history of drugs. As you might expect, most of the class uses weed. Usually, anyone high in class just zones out, but one day we’re discussing regulation of marijuana post-legalization.)

Classmate #1: “I don’t even understand how people think you can regulate marijuana. It’s natural. It comes from the ground. It’s like lettuce!”

Me: *whispers* “How high do you have to be to say that out loud?”

Classmate #2: “I’m just pissed our term papers are due next week, because that’s a way better topic than mine.”

Me:Weed Vs Lettuce: What’s The Real Difference?”

Verbal Oil Spill

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2017

(The group in the section next to mine monitors the notification line for reports of incidents and spills in the state. They take all sorts of complaints and information requests. On off hours, the line is transferred to a .wav file and sent in email for the next day. Here is one they received:)

Caller: “Yes, this is [Name]; telephone number is [number]. Highway [location] down from a… it’s, uh… I don’t know the location. You got oil and water look that’s, uh, running down the stream; the amount I don’t know. I took a sample. It’s in my car storage. You know, I’m about to lose my life… going up and down this highway. I called about that oil spill out there by the football stadium. You put that new green tank. You hadn’t said “thank you.” I work for [Oil Company]; still working for them. I got [Training Certification] in my wallet. I don’t carry it around. I’m just trying to get my respect back. I got two bad kids who think that I’m NOTHING. They get in my face and they talk about me worse than the kids do on the outside. My wife seems to think I’m stupid, too, but I’m not! All I want to do for you all is get my name cleared up, get my stuff, uh, and I’ve been told to get out the country and I’m gon’ get out the country. I want my passport and my visa and get my shots and stuff together, and I’m gon’ get out the country. Okay? I’m going to Great Britain. And goin’ get out the country. And you won’t have to worry about me NO MORE! Let’s make that happen. And tell [Name] with the [completely unrelated State Legal Agency] that I’m telling the truth. My glass has been broken, they broke my ankle, my arm been broken, and going to [General Hospital] they say “come back, come back, your family needs ya.” They were talking about that in Fort Worth, Texas. Make them boys tell the truth. I don’t think all of them bad but I need to get out of here. M’kay, I’ve been done my time and I’m ready to go.”

(They wrote it down as an oil spill…)

Her Son Trends Against The Curve

, , , , , , | Right | June 6, 2017

(A customer comes in to clean out and sign paperwork for a vehicle in her name. The car is totalled, as it had run head-first into a tree and sustained more repair costs than the car itself is worth. My coworker comes up from the accounting area of the offices with the forms and they stand by my receptionist desk to get everything done.)

Car Owner: “I can’t believe my stupid son wrecked this so badly!”

(She keeps referring to him as her “stupid son” or “stupid boy” but not meanly — it’s more like she loves him but can’t believe what he did. My coworker just ignores it in favor of taking care of business, but she finally smiles and shakes her head.)

Coworker: “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

Customer: “Do you know what he told me? ‘I didn’t know the road curved, Ma.'”

Coworker: “Oh, well… I guess you have a point!”