Not The Sharpest Tool In The Box Today

| Right | October 2, 2015

(I’m the idiot in this one. I go to the local traffic department to renew the vehicle license. This comes in the form of a round paper disc – about four inch diameter – which affixes to the windscreen, but is printed on an A4 sheet. Having time before my next appointment, I go to the barber’s for a haircut. There is a queue, so I am thinking that I can cut out the license disc while I am waiting…)

Me: “Excuse me, do you have any scissors here?”

(Cue hysterical laughter from all patrons and staff.)

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Great Scott, Chewie!

| Working | April 7, 2015

(I’m getting my haircut by Barber #1. Barber #2 is nearby drinking tea as there are no other customers in the shop. Barber #1 and I are talking about the ‘Back to the Future’ trilogy, especially as it is now 2015, the year that Marty and Doc visit in ‘Back to the Future Part II.’)

Me: “Shame, we won’t have our hoverboards this year.”

Barber #1: “I know! But…”

Barber #2: “Is that really hairy guy still in it?”

(Blank looks.)

Barber #2: “You know; the one with hair everywhere?”

Me: “Do you mean Doc? Yeah, he’s been in all of them.”

Barber #2: “No, the really hairy one. You know…” *makes Wookie noise*

Me: “Um, Chewbacca? I think he’s going to be in the new Star Wars film this year.”

Barber #1: “But we weren’t talking about them. We were talking about Back to the Future.”

Barber #2: “Were you? Oh, okay.”

Me: *to Barber #1* “I know Doc Brown’s hair is wild, but to confuse him with Chewbacca…”

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He Must Have Brown Hair

| Related | November 4, 2013

(I am about five years old. My mother takes me to the barber shop. As I am having my hair cut, the barber strikes up a conversation with me.)

Barber: “So, what’s your name, little guy?”

Me: “My name’s [Name], but my dad calls me s***-head!”

(Everyone in the shop breaks out in laughter as my mother turns bright red and runs out of the shop to wait for me in the car.)

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Someone’s Having A Bad Hair Day

| Working | September 7, 2012

(I’m a 14-year-old girl, and my parents let me go to the barber alone for the first time. I get a barber I haven’t seen before.)

Me: “Don’t cut too short, though. I still want a pony tail.”

Barber: “You like pony tails?”

Me: “Yep, had one since I was a little. My parents both have pony tails as well.”

Barber: “Oh, so you have two mommies? That’s cool. My sister’s a lesbian, too.”

Me: “No, I have a dad and a mom.”

Barber: “That’s disgusting! Men shouldn’t have hair that long.”

Me: “Please keep your opinions to yourself.”

Barber: “Sure, but it’s disgusting anyway.”

Me: “But you’re a barber. What do you do with long haired guys coming here?”

Barber: “Unless they’re getting it cut short, someone else is cutting their hair!”

(A few weeks later, my dad goes to get his hair cut.)

My Dad: “Heard you had some barber who didn’t like men with long hair?”

Different Barber: “Oh, him? He’s long gone… don’t worry. He insulted a long-haired man, and the manager fired him!”

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Two Much Information

| Right | June 21, 2012

(I’m a barber and I’ve just returned from my 15-minute lunch break. A customer that refuses to allow any of the other barbers in the shop work on his hair is waiting for me. He looks rather disturbed about something—almost frightened.)

Customer: “Thank goodness you’re here. What took you so long?!”

Me: “Um, I took a fifteen minute lunch, sir. It’s not that long.”

Customer: “Well, I had to use the bathroom! So, I went to the fast food restaurant down the road.”

Me: “Okay, although our bathroom is perfectly operational.”

Customer: “The man in the bathroom at the restaurant wouldn’t get out of the stall, so I had to use the urinal.”

Me: “Okay, but why are you telling me this?’

Customer: “It was diarrhea, though, so it flushed down well enough!”

Me: “Thank you…for not using our bathroom. And please, don’t share bathroom stories with me again.”

Customer: “Don’t tell anyone what I did!”

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