Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World
Customer: “How much is Bud Light?”
Bartender: “$3.75.”
Customer: “Well, how much is Miller Light?”
Bartender: “$3.75.”
Customer: “D***! What’s the cheapest thing you got in here?!”
Bartender: “YOU!”
Touché
(Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)
Me: “Hi… I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”
Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”
Me: “So… how do you know it’s there?”
Customer: “…”
D For Dumb Enough To Deserve A Drink
(I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)
Me: “What’s your full name?”
Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”
Me: “What’s your middle name?”
Customer: “DANGER!”
(I let him in.)
Ah, Students
(A group of students comes into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)
Caveman #1: *banging squeaky club on bar* “Ugg!”
Me: *stares at him in disbelief*
Caveman #1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*
Me: *still maintaining silence*
Caveman #2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*
(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)
Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”
(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)
So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…
(I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)
Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”
Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”
Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”
Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”
Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”
Customer: “I told that guy…”
(The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a Superman costume was sleeping.)
Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”
Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”
Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”
Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”
Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”
Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!”
Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”
Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”
This story is part of the Superman roundup.
