Can Be Pretty Ugly

| England, UK | Friendly | August 8, 2016

(I’m miles from home in a little pub after a day’s training session. Tired, I go down to the busy pub for some dinner.)

Me: “Excuse me, is anyone sitting there?”

Pretty Woman: “Oh, sorry, but I’m not interested.”

Me: “I really only wanted the seat.”

Pretty Woman: “Yeah, right.”

(I sit down anyway and quickly my colleagues arrive.)

Me: “Hey, guys, plenty of room over here.”

Me: *to the woman* “Is it okay if they sit here? I can assure you that none of them are interested in you either.”

Pretty Woman: “Ugh!” *storms off*

How To Mansplain To A Mansplainer

| Sweden | Romantic | August 1, 2016

(My boyfriend loves to explain things and everybody who knows him teasingly calls him the ultimate mansplainer. We are out drinking with my friend, who is a woman, when this happens.)

Boyfriend: *end of long rant* “…and that’s why that’s like that.”

Friend: “Oh, my god.”

Me: “You’re such a mansplainer, darling.”

Boyfriend: “I’m not mansplaining! I’m only explaining so you girls will understand!”

Missed Your Swansong

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Right | July 11, 2016

(I am hosting the karaoke night at a suburban bar. It is popular now but was a ghost town the first several weeks. On a quiet night, I announce at 12:55 that I’m off the clock at 1:00, so to get the last couple songs in right away if anyone wanted to sing. No takers. At 1:05…)

Patron: “If I want to put in a song request, do I give it to you?”

Me: “Yes, but five minutes ago. I can’t get any more songs in; I’ve already shut down and started pulling the plugs.”

Patron: “Just turn it back on. It’s only like four switches.”

Me: “That easy, eh? Okay, go ahead. Turn it back on.”

Patron: “What?”

Me: “Well if it’s that easy, go ahead and turn it back on. If you can do that, I’ll let you sing your song, and I’ll even waive my $50/hour overtime rate.”

Patron: “So I guess I’m singing that song next week?”

Not Who You Were Ex-pecting

| USA | Romantic | July 10, 2016

(I get a flirtatious text from my girlfriend addressed to someone else. I text her back pretending to be this other person, and find out she has been cheating on me. Still oblivious that she’s actually texting me, I suggest we meet up at a local bar, where we can laugh over how stupid her boyfriend, me, is. An hour later at the bar…)

Me: “Oh, hey, [Girlfriend]!”

Girlfriend: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Me: “I wanted a drink. What about you? Weren’t you going to that play with your sister tonight?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, it ended early. Um, I just remembered I forgot my purse at her place. I gotta go back.”

Me: “Aren’t you carrying your purse?”

Girlfriend: “My other purse.”

Me: “You took two purses?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, I gotta go. See you later, babe!”

Me: “Okay! Tell your other boyfriend I said hi!”

(The look on her face was priceless.)

Monopolizing The Sofa Industry

| London, England, UK | Right | June 30, 2016

(I take my brother to the pub. He goes to get the first round, which includes a Coke.)

Brother: “Can I have [drinks] and a Coke, please.”

Bartender: “Is Pepsi okay?”

Brother: “Is Monopoly money okay?”

Bartender: “Right, get out. You’re barred.”

(He was allowed to stay after paying a fine into the tip-jar.)

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