You Can Talk!

| Nottingham, England, UK | Friendly | October 7, 2016

(I call into our local pub to book a seventh birthday party in their soft play room for my eldest son. He is with me and is autistic, verbal, and highly intelligent but very wary of strangers. A group consisting of an older and younger couple are coming in as we left.)

Older Woman: *calling to my son* “Hello. Aren’t you at school today?”

(My son ignores her, looking down at the floor.)

Older Woman: “Hey, aren’t you going to say ‘hello’ to me?”

Me: “I’m sorry. He won’t answer you. Please don’t shout. You’ll upset him.”

Older Woman: “He should answer an adult.” *grabs my son by the shoulder and turns him round*

Me: “Please leave him; he’s autistic and nervous of people he doesn’t know!”

Older Woman: *now shouting* “What’s that? Why won’t you let him talk to me?! I only want to talk.”

Me: “Please. He won’t understand why you’re shouting at him.”

Older Man: *to his wife* “Bloody h***, woman. Will you leave him alone? He doesn’t understand!”

Older Woman: *to me* “Sorry.” *to the younger woman* “See, this is all your fault! If you’d only give me some grandchildren I wouldn’t get into trouble all the time!”

Not Trans-parent Enough

| CA, USA | Romantic | October 2, 2016

(I’m a male and identify as one but due to my slight frame and slightly longer than usual hair I’ve been mistaken for a girl before, from the back and side at least. However, my voice is surprisingly deep. I’m also Asian. I’m currently mixing a drink for another customer.)

Man: “Ay, baby, when do you get off tonight?” *he’s sitting a bit farther away and can only see my side*

Me: *ignores him thinking he’s talking to someone else*

Man: “Hey, come on! I asked you a question. Don’t ignore me!”

(At this point I’m done serving the first customer and, still not realizing he’s addressing me, go to organize a few things.)

Man: *moves closer to where I am and leans on the bar counter* “Come on, when do you get off? You’re Asian aren’t you? I love Asian girls. They’re so cute and obedient.”

(At this point I finally realize he’s mistaken me for a girl and turn around to address him.)

Me: “Are you talking to me? I’m not a—”

Man: *cuts me off and takes a step back* “S***! F***! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM F****** [slur]s, aren’t you!” *leans on the counter again* “You f****** disgust me, tricking men like me into f****** your kind!”

(The man then proceeded to turn around and walk away while I stared blankly after him.)

Knack Attack

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Friendly | September 22, 2016

(My classmates and I are doing an intensive course where we’ve all been cooped up together in the same room for six hours a day, six days a week. We decide to celebrate our “weekend” by going to the pub. We start talking about our families.)

Classmate #1: *a man* “Well, I’ve got—”

Classmate #2: *a younger woman* “A sister. No, two sisters. Older than you. When you were kids you were a little sh*t to them.”

Classmate #1: “Yeah… How did you know that?”

Classmate #2: “It’s a knack.”

Classmate #1: “Can you do it with anybody?”

Classmate #2: “Almost anybody as long as I’ve seen them interact with a large enough group of people over a long enough period of time. I’m usually only wrong if someone has more than three siblings.”

Classmate #3: “Can you do me?”

Classmate #2: “Middle child… Younger sister, older brother.”

Classmate #3: “Yeah!”

(We go around and Classmate #2’s record is pretty impressive, about 90%.)

Me: “Bet you won’t get me.”

Classmate #2: “You could be an only child, but you’re not. A twin. Twin sister. No other siblings. Am I right?”

Me: “How?! My twin just came out as trans a couple years ago! I didn’t know I had a sister until then!

Classmate #2: *shrugs* “Knack.”

Trying To Offer Some Asian Persuasion

| CA, USA | Romantic | September 19, 2016

(I am out at a gay bar with my boyfriend and his best friend. All of us are white gay males, but live in a part of the country that’s quite ethnically diverse. We’re waiting for one of my exes to arrive, whom I am still on good terms with. My boyfriend’s friend has his Grindr app open, looking around the bar. I catch a glimpse of it.)

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Your profile! It says “No Asians””

Friend: “Yeah, I’m not into Asians.”

Me: “That’s very racist!”

Friend: “How? I just don’t find them attractive.”

Me: “Every single Asian?”

Friend: “Well, not really.”

Me: “So you’ve met every Asian from all over the world, have you?”

Friend: “Of course not, but—”

Me: “Then how can you know there is not a single Asian you find attractive?”

(My boyfriend has heard my voice rising throughout the conversation.)

Boyfriend: “It’s okay, [My Name]. [Friend] isn’t racist.”

Me: “If you make a decision or judgment about someone based solely and entirely on their race, is that a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “I think what [Friend] means is—”

Me: “Yes or no. Is it a racist decision?”

Boyfriend: “Well… yes. But—”

Me: “There we go, then.”

Friend: “What’s the big deal? I just don’t find Asian guys sexually attractive. It’s a preference, not racism.”

Me: “Okay, then, why is that?”

Friend: “What is what?”

Me: “What is it about Asians that you don’t find desirable?”

Friend: “I don’t know… I just don’t.”

Me: “What about black guys?”

Friend: “Uh…”

Me: “So it’s just white guys you’re into, then?”

Friend: “I guess so. But I’m not racist! I have black friends!”

Me: “And you label them your ‘Black Friends’ do you?”

Boyfriend: “[My Name], chill out!”

Me: “I will not. I am not saying you’re Trump or anything, but you’re perpetuating the ideology that one race is superior to another, in this case, out of sexual prowess. White man is sexy and strong; Asian man is unattractive and weak. I’m telling you this because I want you to look inside and ask yourself why is it you feel this way? Also, I am saving you.”

Friend: “Saving me?! From what?”

Me: “From him.”

(We all turn to see my ex has arrived. A 6 foot, Korean-American body-builder with an amazingly handsome face, at least in my opinion. He comes on over and says hello.)

Ex: “Sorry I’m late. So… what we talking about?”

(I look pointedly at my boyfriend’s friend.)

Friend: “Oh… nothing… uh… So, who wants a round of drinks?”

Don’t Have A Cow, Man, Part 2

| England, UK | Right | August 29, 2016

(I work in a pub that mainly caters to people drinking but also has a small menu for those looking to eat.)

Customer: “There’s not much on the menu for my family of vegans.”

Me: “I’d be happy to ask our chef to make some alterations for you.”

Customer: “Great, in that case we will have…” *lists four meals all with major alterations that come to resemble nothing from our menu*

Me: “Okay, I’ll see what we can do.”

(I speak to the kitchen and luckily they are happy to make these changes. During the wait, the customer comes up several times to ensure the food will be vegan-friendly. When I deliver the meals to their table…)

Me: “Here you go. Can I get anything else for you?”

Customer: “Mayonnaise.”

Related:
Don’t Have A Cow, Man

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