D For Dumb Enough To Deserve A Drink

| | Right | April 30, 2008

(I work as a bouncer in a bar and check all IDs at the door. Indiana IDs don’t include a middle name, just an initial.)

Me: “What’s your full name?”

Customer: “Joe D. Smith.”

Me: “What’s your middle name?”

Customer: “DANGER!”

(I let him in.)

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Ah, Students

| | Right | March 23, 2008

(A group of students come into the bar dressed as cavemen, complete with wigs and squeaky plastic clubs.)

Caveman 1, banging squeaky club on bar: “Ugg!”

Me: *stares at him in disbelief*

Caveman 1: “Ugg! Ugg!” *bang* *squeak*

Me: *still maintaining silence*

Caveman 2: “Are we getting service here or not?!” *bang* *squeak*

(A crescendo of grunting student cavemen start to bang each other on the heads with the squeaky clubs and proceed to upset the other punters.)

Me: “Right, that’s enough! You’re not getting f-ugg-ing served and you’re all f-ugg-ing barred!”

(The cavemen left only to be replaced by a group of student girls dressed as nuns. They all got a free drink.)

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So Superman, Rocky Balboa And ABBA Walk Into A Bar…

| | Right | March 13, 2008

(I work at a karaoke bar operating the machine and helping drunk guests choose songs. A lady was supposed to sing an ABBA song next, but some guy got a hold of the microphone.)

Me: “Sir, excuse me, that lady is singing now, could you give me the mic?”

Customer: *looking drunk and confused* “Nooo…I’m singing now!”

Me: “Really? Dancing Queen?”

Customer: “Whaaaat? I ordered Eye Of The Tiger!”

Me: “But how? You didn’t tell me anything…and Eye Of The Tiger is not in our list…”

Customer: “I told that guy…”

(The customer points to the corner of the bar, where some man in a superman costume was sleeping.)

Me: “Umm…he doesn’t work here you know…”

Customer: “Whaaaaat?! Can I still do the song then?”

Me: “I’ve just told you we don’t have it…”

Customer: *pointing to Superman again* “He told me you do!”

Me: “Yeah, we don’t…do you want to try some other song?”

Customer: “I WANT THE EYE OF THE TIGER!!!”

Me: *scared and desperate* “…How about a free shot instead of a song?”

Customer: *suddenly happy* “Alrighty!”

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I’ll Have Whatever He Had

| | Right | March 6, 2008

(A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

Me: “No, we’re closing.”

White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

Me: “…Yes.”

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Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

| | Right | February 28, 2008

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

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