(While ordering:)
Me: “Do you have any bacon?”
Waitress: “Bacon? I think we do.”
Me: “I’ll have a BLT then, please.”
Waitress: *looking me up and down* “Wouldn’t you prefer a salad? You look obese enough already!”
(She was within earshot of the owner, who then dragged her, by the ear, out of the bar.)
Owner: *coming up to us* “Here’s a life lesson: NEVER employ family!”
(I’m at the pub with some friends, and I go to the bar to order a round of drinks. While the girl working behind the bar is sorting out the drinks, the following conversation takes place:)
Girl: “I really like your top!”
Me: “Oh, thanks! It’s from [Shop] — actually, it’s in the sale at the moment. You should have a look on their website!”
Girl: “Ooh, really? Thanks! I will!”
(She then goes over to the wine fridges at the other end of the bar, turns around, and calls out to me:)
Girl: “Is that a large?”
Me: “Um…?”
Girl: “OH! THE WINE! Is the WINE a large?!”
(I work at a pub with a Sunday Roast carvery buffet. A vegetarian customer comes to order.)
Customer: “Can I pay for the roast, but can I just have the potatoes? I’m a vegetarian.”
Me: “Yes, but… you know the potatoes are roasted with the juice from the meat.”
Customer: “They are?”
Me: “Yes, that’s how most people roast them.”
Customer: *alarmed* “They do?”
Me: “Erm… yes… We do have some vegetarian dishes though.”
Customer: “Do most people really roast potatoes that way?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Oh. Right.”
(I will never forget this poor girl’s expression as she began thinking about ALL the roast potatoes she’d ever eaten.)
(I am working at a small local pub/restaurant not far from the beach on Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. You can literally see the ocean from the tables on the porch outside our establishment. We get a lot of visitors from all over, but none were ever this geographically challenged.)
Guest: “How long has this been an island?”
Me: *joking* “About twenty years, I think. It was purchased from Belize and towed up here.”
Guest: *oddly* “So… does the water go all the way around the island?”
Me: “Only at night, sir… Y’know, during high tide.”
Guest: *nodding* “Hmmm… I thought so.”
Wife: “It can’t be an island… We crossed a bridge!”
Me: *suddenly realizing they’re NOT joking, and that they really are this stupid* “Yep, you did. Over water.”
Wife: *b****y* “So… what’s on the other side of that lake, then?” *pointing east*
Me: “Spain.”
Wife: “Oh, honey… we can get to Spain from here!”
This story is part of our Spain-themed roundup!
Read the next Spain-themed roundup story!
Read the Spain-themed roundup!
(I am the customer. My friends and coworkers head to our favorite bar. It is Geek Culture themed, and though the staff are a little unorthodox, it feels comfortable being there. Our party reaches to 20+ people. When the bill comes, it is revealed that a mistake had been made and we are all on the same tab.)
Me: “Uh oh.”
Friend: “Yeah, we’re a real cluster-f*** here.”
Server: “No worries, man.”
(He proceeds to tally what each of us had and supplies the bill up for each of us. When looking at the receipt the tab name reads: Cluster F*** in ‘da thirties.)
Friend: *laughing* “Gee, I wonder how they feel about us?”
Me: *laughing harder* “Hey, you said it.”
