You Have The Right To Remain Drunk

| Nebraska, USA | Right | May 5, 2012

(It’s the end of the night and I’m standing at the front door to make sure no one takes their drinks out of the building, which is illegal in Nebraska. I stop one gentleman on his way out with a beer.)

Me: “Sorry, sir. You can’t step out with that.”

Customer: “I think I can.”

Me: “No, sir, you really can’t.”

Customer: “Oh yeah?”

(He pulls out his wallet and shows me a crude fabric badge sewn on to it.)

Customer: “You’d better let me go and give me my beer before you get your a** in trouble.”

Me: “So, you’re going to throw me in jail for keeping you from breaking the law?”

Customer: *belches loudly, vomits a bit on his shirt, and leaves empty handed*

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As Long As Every Lady Is A Queen

| California, USA | Right | April 23, 2012

(I work at a gay male bar as a bouncer. I normally escort or throw out guys due to inappropriate behavior. One day, however, the manager calls me over to throw out a woman. Afterwards, I ask the manager what happened.)

Me: “What was that about?”

Manager: “She kept on insisting to meet me to implement a suggestion for the bar.”

Me: “Oh…so why did you have me kick her out?”

Manager: “She was insistent, and got more and more agitated when I told her we’d never do that.”

Me: “And what was her suggestion?”

Manager: “She said we should have Ladies Night so that more men would come here.”

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This Guy Is Whipped

| RI, USA | Romantic | April 23, 2012

(My boyfriend often makes fun of me for saying a lot of blonde things. On this particular night, I’m exhausted from work and on my A game for dumb statements.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll scoop you up and carry you back to the car if you need me to.”

Me: “Babe, I’m not ice cream.”

Boyfriend: *blank stare* “You’re lucky I love you. Following your thought process makes my brain hurt.”

Me: “Oh, like brain freeze?”

True Love In High Spirits

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Romantic | April 22, 2012

(My boyfriend and I are at a bar.)

Me: “I don’t like drinking vodka because it makes me feel like I belong in a New York club. I’m more of a whiskey or bourbon kind of girl.”

Boyfriend: “Hmm. I see your point. However, vodka is Russia’s beverage, and Russia is communist. Communism is about the common man, so vodka is the drink of the common man!”

Me: “I see your point. But in the US, vodka is marketed as being for hot guys in suits who give their cabs to pretty girls in the rain.”

Boyfriend: “That’s true. I think it’s the dichotomy of it that appeals to me.”

Me: “Interesting…”

Boyfriend: “I love us.”

Weekend Roundup: Flirting Fails

, , , , | Not Always Romantic | Romantic | April 8, 2012

Flirting Fails. This week, we share five stories that show that while flirting is more art than science, there are some really, really bad artists out there!

  1. Gettin’ Schooled 101:
    Not Always Romantic’s most popular story of all time: a flirtatious student gets taught what makes a woman tick—and it sure as heck isn’t him!
  2. Proof That Men Will Say Anything:
    A guy will always change their tune to get the girl–even if it means changing their gender!
  3. Chippendales, The Golden Years:
    Age doesn’t have anything on these four swingin’ senior studs!
  4. Please Do Not Titillate The Employees:
    Bad: Getting turned down by a girl. Worse: Getting turned down by a girl because your mom forced you to you flirt with her. Worst: Getting turned down by a girl because your mom forced you to flirt with her so you could get onto a fake museum ride to Mars.
  5. Perspiring & Persistent:
    “Do you sweat a lot?” Worst. Pickup Line. Ever.

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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