No Need For The Big Picture, Please

| Ohio, USA | Romantic | October 22, 2011

(My band is between sets, taking a break. A guy my age and two people who appear to be his parents approach me, while I’m on the phone.)

Mom: “Hi…”

Me, to caller: “Hold on a sec.”

Mom: *gestures to son* “He thinks you’re really hot.”

Me: *awkward silence*

Mom: “And I’ve heard he has a monster in his pants.”

Me: *unbearably awkward silence*

In Plain Sight

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Romantic | September 13, 2011

(This is the second date with a guy I’d met online. The first date was okay…the guy was a little strange in an undefinable way, but seemed harmless. So, I’ve agreed to see him again. Note that I recently started wearing contact lenses. One is bugging me, so I rub my eye.)

Guy: “Is there something wrong with my eye?”

Me: “No, my contact was just itchy.”

Guy: “It’s because I’ve got a fake eye, isn’t it? Are they looking in the same direction?”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Yeah, you look fine!”

Guy: “I can take it out if you want. Wanna see?”

Me: *realizing he’s serious* “No!”

Guy: “Here we go!”

(He proceeds to take his eyeball out at the dive bar and show it to me. I cringe and try not to look at what I assume is now a gaping hole in his face. He puts it back in.)

Guy: “Is it looking the right way again?”

Wine & Spirits Of Camraderie

| Kingston, ON, Canada | Right | September 2, 2011

(It’s St. Patrick’s Day at my bar. I see a patron who has had too much to drink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, miss, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Patron: “Can I just finish my beer?”

Me: “I can’t let you do that.”

Patron’s friend: “Why are you kicking her out? I’m drunker than she is!”

Me: “Then you can leave, too!”

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A Serious Case Of Insensitivity, Part 2

| London, England, UK | Right | August 3, 2011

(New Year’s Eve is in full swing. Shortly before the midnight countdown, a coworker of mine drops down dead beside me from a brain aneurysm. We went into shock and obviously tried to help her. The customer that she was serving starts complaining about the quality of service.)

Customer: “Leave her, it’s almost midnight! I need my glass of wine to celebrate!”

Me: “Sir, we believe she may be dead. Please have a bit of compassion. The bar will be closing now while we wait for emergency services.”

Customer: “Forget that! We want to celebrate. Get me my drink now and take her body out back or something!”

Me: “Security! Throw this man out and clear the bar.”

Customer: “I will get both her and you fired for this!”

 

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You’re Dumb Enough Without Alcohol

| Christchurch, New Zealand | Right | August 2, 2011

(We have a daily special where everything in the bar is $4. There are huge signs everywhere advertising this. I have this conversation at least twice a week.)

Customer: “How much is a vodka lime?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Really? So, how much is a tequila shot?”

Me: “$4. Everything is $4.”

Customer: “Even Jäger?”

Me: “If it’s alcohol, then it’s $4.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll have a gin.” ”

*pause*

Customer: “Is that $4 too?”

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