I’ll Have Whatever He Had

| | Right | March 6, 2008

(A VERY drunk WHITE guy comes in 5 minutes before closing time.)

White guy: “F*ck you! You’re not going to serve me are you?”

Me: “Nope, sorry, we’re just closing.”

White guy: “Awww, go on, please…just a quick pint!”

Me: “No, we’re closing.”

White guy: “F*ck you, is it because I’m black?”

Me: “…Yes.”

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Effective Excuses, Vol. 1

| | Right | February 28, 2008

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

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Captain Obvious’ Revenge

| | Right | February 25, 2008

Customer: “How cold is the Extra Cold Guinness?”

Me: “Colder than the regular Guinness.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll try it.”

(Customer takes a sup of his pint.)

Customer: “It just tastes like regular Guinness, but colder!”

Me: “…yup.”


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As Dumb As You Look

| | Right | February 23, 2008

(I work the door sometimes at a local bar, and it normally goes as follows:)

Me: “Can I see your ID please?”

Girl: “Yeah, sure. Here it is.”

Me: “Thanx, mmmmm…this doesn’t look like you.”

Girl: “Well, you can ask me anything on it. I know all of it.”

(I ask her friend that is trying to come in with her.)

Me: “OK, what’s her name?”

Girl #2: “Ummmm…”

Me: “Thought so.” *handing back her ID* “You have a nice night, and maybe pay for your fake next time.”

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Intoxicated Musings

| | Right | February 18, 2008

Random Customer at a bar #1: “Why do you always have to be so self defecating?”

Random Customer at a bar #2: “I see that you read a lot. I read a lot, too. I just finished Brave New World by Adolphus Huxley.”

Random Customer at a bar #3: “Yeah, it’s crazy, they can go to the bottom of the Marinara Trench.”


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