Winning The Name Blame Game

| KS, USA | Friendly | May 3, 2017

(A group of friends and I go out to a bar and it is my turn to be the designated driver. Since they all know they are safe with me, they are pretty drunk by the time we leave. As I’m piling the three guys too drunk to see straight into my car a couple of strangers walks towards me.)

Stranger #1: “HEY, [Name That Isn’t Mine]!”

(I don’t realize they’re talking to me since it isn’t my name and ignore them.)

Stranger #1: *now only a few yards away* “Don’t ignore me, you a**-hole!”

Me: “Huh?” *I turn to look at them*

Stranger #2: “Hey, you’re not [Name That Isn’t Mine].”

(Stranger #1 stops and looks bleary eyed at me.)

Stranger #1: “I don’t give a f***. We’re kicking someone’s a** for f****** my girl and this f***** looks like [Name That Isn’t Mine], so he’ll do!”

(Both of them start taking aggressive stances. I’m fairly sure I can handle a couple drunks if I have to, especially since I’ve got three drunks for backup, but I’d really rather not, so I think quick.)

Me: “Two on one? That’s not very fair. You’d better go get some friends.”

(They both pause as they try to process that.)

Stranger #1: “More friends?”

Me: “Yeah. You can’t really beat a guy down with just two, especially not if it’s over a girl. Go on, I’ll wait.”

(They look at each other for a moment.)

Stranger #1: “You stay your a** right here, [Name That Isn’t Mine]! We’re gonna get [A Couple Names I don’t recognize] and beat your a**!”

(I smiled and nodded. As soon as they vanished back into the bar I jumped in my car and left with my friends. I kinda wish I could’ve seen their faces when they realized they’d been had, though.)

Fat Chance Of Firing Family

| UK | Working | April 24, 2017

(While ordering:)

Me: “Do you have any bacon?”

Waitress: “Bacon? I think we do.”

Me: “I’ll have a BLT then, please.”

Waitress: *looking me up and down* “Wouldn’t you prefer a salad? You look obese enough already!”

(She was within earshot of the owner, who then dragged her, by the ear, out of the bar.)

Owner: *coming up to us* “Here’s a life lesson: NEVER employ family!”

Wine-ing About The Size Of The Shirt

| London, England, UK | Working | April 17, 2017

(I’m at the pub with some friends, and I go to the bar to order a round of drinks. While the girl working behind the bar is sorting out the drinks, the following conversation takes place:)

Girl: “I really like your top!”

Me: “Oh, thanks! It’s from [Shop] — actually, it’s in the sale at the moment. You should have a look on their website!”

Girl: “Ooh, really? Thanks! I will!”

(She then goes over to the wine fridges at the other end of the bar, turns around, and calls out to me:)

Girl: “Is that a large?”

Me: “Um…?”

Girl: “OH! THE WINE! Is the WINE a large?!”

This Roast Is Toast

| UK | Right | April 2, 2017

(I work at a pub with a Sunday Roast carvery buffet. A vegetarian customer comes to order.)

Customer: “Can I pay for the roast, but can I just have the potatoes? I’m a vegetarian.”

Me: “Yes, but… you know the potatoes are roasted with the juice from the meat.”

Customer: “They are?”

Me: “Yes, that’s how most people roast them.”

Customer: *alarmed* “They do?”

Me: “Erm… yes… We do have some vegetarian dishes though.”

Customer: “Do most people really roast potatoes that way?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh. Right.”

(I will never forget this poor girl’s expression as she began thinking about ALL the roast potatoes she’d ever eaten.)

Their Geographical Knowledge Is Its Own Little Island

| SC, USA | Right | April 1, 2017

(I am working at a small local pub/restaurant not far from the beach on Hilton Head Island, SC. You can literally see the ocean from the tables on the porch outside our establishment. We get a lot of visitors from all over, but none were ever this geographically challenged.)

Guest: “How long has this been an island?”

Me: *joking* “About twenty years, I think. It was purchased from Belize and towed up here.”

Guest: *oddly* “So… does the water go all the way around the island?”

Me: “Only at night, sir… Y’know during high tide.”

Guest: *nodding* “Hmmm… I thought so.”

Wife: “It can’t be an island… We crossed a bridge!”

Me: *suddenly realizing they’re NOT joking, and that they really are this stupid* “Yep, you did. Over water”

Wife: *b*tchy* “So…what’s on the other side of that lake, then?” *pointing east*

Me: “Spain.”

Wife: “Oh, honey… we can get to Spain from here!”

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