Doesn’t Have The Sheep’s Stomach For Your Assumptions

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Working | January 5, 2017

(I am a Canadian backpacker and go into a pub on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh. I approach the bartender.)

Me: “Hi, ‘scuse me, I had a question about the menu—”

Bartender: *sigh* “Haggis is sheep’s liver, lungs and heart, cooked in its stomach, and no, I’m not joking.”

Me: “I know THAT. My parents are both members of the Royal Vancouver Island Scottish Country Dance Society and my friends all think they’re terminally weird after hearing about how we have to drink a toast to sheep guts every January 25th. Now could you please tell me how many sausages come with the bangers and mash?”

Making Certain Allowances For Age

, | CA, USA | Working | January 5, 2017

(I’m at a restaurant with my mother picking up a to-go order, when I reach for my wallet to pay.)

Waiter: *turns to my mom* “Is she paying with her allowance?”

Me: “No— I… How old are you?”

Waiter: *offended* “I’m thirty-four.”

Mom: “How old does she look?”

Waiter: “Older than sixteen.”

Me: “I’m twenty four.”

(He apologized profusely. And said one day I’d appreciate looking so young. This happens all the time.)

Brain Fried

| MI, USA | Right | December 28, 2016

(I am bartending and a customer motioned me to come over.)

Me: “Do you have a question about the menu?”

Customer: “Yes, for the fried chicken salad do they fry the salad, too?”

Me: *looking back at her with one eyebrow raised in a puzzled manner* “I… Well… No…?”

Customer: *stares blankly back at me*

Me: “I mean… Did you want it to be?” *I question utterly stumped*

Customer: “Wow… That was just a really stupid question, wasn’t it?”

Me: *jokingly* “For the security of my job I am unable to answer that question truthfully.”

Speaking Of The Christmas Party…

| | Working | December 25, 2016

(We’re at the office Christmas party and Coworker #1 has had way too much to drink and is now shouting every few seconds. I’m chatting with Coworker #2.)

Me: “I think [Coworker #1] has reached his limit.”

(Coworker #2 glances over at Coworker #1.)

Coworker #1: “ROCK AND ROLL!”

Coworker #2: “Nope. He can still speak.”

Your Hopes Go Up In Smoke

| KY, USA | Right | December 20, 2016

(A man walks into the pub where I am hostessing.)

Customer: “Are you guys non-smoking?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Every day?”

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