Should Have Said You’re From Middle Earth

, , , , , , | Working | October 17, 2018

My friend and I were in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. We are both New Zealanders. We met up with my American cousin and we were having a few drinks. We went to a different bar, and my friend and cousin went to order.

Shortly afterwards, my cousin came back to me saying I needed to go help at the bar. I went up and saw that the bartender had my friend’s passport and was arguing with her. Turns out the bartender thought it was fake, and was yelling at my friend about how our country isn’t real. I stepped in, showed her my passport, and got the same response. We Googled New Zealand on our phones and showed her, but she still refused to believe that our passports were legit or that New Zealand exists.

We decided to go elsewhere and the bartender wouldn’t give the passport back, still going on about how it was fake. I leaned over and wrenched it off her and ran out before she could call any security. Who knows? The security might never have seen a world map, either!

Getting Established Is Lightning In A Bottle

, , , , , | Related | October 11, 2018

(I’m on vacation with my grandparents. My grandpa and I are having a drink with my uncle and his girlfriend who are staying for a few days at the house we’re staying in. We are talking about how I’ve been doing graphic design commissions the past few months. My grandpa asks my uncle if he has any tips for me since he is an established artist, known for putting popular people in pink clothing in his paintings.)

Grandpa: “Do you have any advice for him to get himself out there at all?”

Uncle: *to me* “You said you were advertising on Twitter and stuff, right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Uncle: *to my grandpa, chuckling* “Yeah, I got nothing. He’s actually already doing more than me.”

Staring With A Singular Objective

, , , | Right | September 28, 2018

(I am a female in my early twenties, waiting tables in a bar, and as such am fairly used to customers drunkenly attempting to flirt with staff. I am waiting on a table of three — a couple and a single man. The meal is going fairly smoothly, besides the fact that I have several times caught the single man obviously checking me out. As I drop off the check, the woman at the table decides to make a move.)

Woman: “Are you single? My husband and I are always looking for people to go on double dates with us, and my brother-in-law here thinks you’re really cute.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I’m actually not single.”

Woman: “But I don’t see a ring on your finger!”

Me: “Well, I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I have been together about six months.”

Woman: “Oh, well, in that case, we’ll just come back in a few months and try again!”

Me: “…”

Guy Giving You Trouble? Just Bounce

, , , , | Friendly | September 20, 2018

(I have my own personal Cheers-type bar that I’ve been going to for so long that my friends and I know everyone from the bouncer to the owners, and almost everyone in between. My girl friends and I love going there because they have great drinks and a great atmosphere, and we know we’ll be safe. We’re having a Girls’ Night Out one night, all of us sitting in a horseshoe-shaped booth with me at one end and the rest of my friends scrunched in close so we can hear each other better, when some guy saunters up, drags a chair over from another table, spins it, and straddles it next to me.)

Guy: *grinning* “Heeeeyyyy, ladies.”

(My girlfriends tend to be a bit more shy, my best friend having social anxiety, so they look to me.)

Me: *smiling, trying to be polite* “Hey, we’re kind of having a girls’ night here and, ah, sorry but you don’t qualify, so if you could give us some space, please?”

Guy: *still grinning* “Nah, it’s fine. I’ll stick around.”

Me: *now annoyed and letting him see it* “It’s actually not fine, because I’ve asked you to leave and you’re still here.”

Guy: *STILL with that stupid grin* “Nah, nah, it’s fine. You don’t want me to leave.”

Me: *glaring, voice hard* “Yes, we do, now f*** off.”

Guy: “Nah, you don’t want me to leave.”

(My friends are all nervous and I’m pissed, but this creep is effectively blocking me into the booth. Fortunately, I have the bouncer’s phone number, so I shoot him a quick text letting him know there’s a situation. From where we’re sitting I can see him at the door, and I watch him check his phone and look around for me. When I catch his eye, he points at the guy, who’s still blathering on about who knows what, and I nod. The bouncer pockets his phone and walks over. I should note that the bouncer is rather large, broad-shouldered, and kind of looks like a pirate with his impressive goatee, multiple piercings, and intricate tattoos. He’ll never start a fight, but he will ALWAYS end one. He walks up behind the guy and casually places one very large hand on his shoulder and leans on it. The guy immediately goes silent and stares up at him.)

Bouncer: *very calm* “I believe these ladies asked you to leave. You were just about to, weren’t you?”

Guy: *nervous and squeaking a little* “Yes.”

Bouncer: *still calm* “And you’re going to leave them alone?” *the guy just nods quickly* “Good. Then we don’t have a problem.”

(The bouncer slowly leans back with a smile and the guy scurries off.)

Bouncer: “You okay, girls? He didn’t lay a hand on any of you, or get near your drinks?”

(We assure him that we’re fine and thank him for his assistance.)

Bouncer: “All right, well, you let me know if he or anyone else gives you any trouble, okay? Enjoy your night.”

(He gave me a hug and went back to the door, and my friends and I enjoyed our girls’ night in peace. I love that bar!)

A Combo Of Dumbos

, , , , , | Right | September 20, 2018

(I am the front of house manager at a small bar. It is after lunch, so I send all the servers home, and it is just me left. A table comes in and orders two combos priced at $9.99. With the way our POS system works, we have to ring everything up separately, but it still totals out to the combo price. I hand the customer her check. She examines it for a moment then calls me over.)

Customer: “Our ticket is wrong; we ordered the two combos.”

Me: “Right, well, with the way our computer works, we have to ring it up separately, but you are still getting your meal for the combo price, which is $9.99.”

Customer: “But this doesn’t say, ‘Combo.'”

Me: “I understand, but it’s still the same price.”

Customer: “No, you are trying to overcharge me for the combo. I want my ticket with what I ordered at the price I want.”

Me: “Ma’am, the combo is $9.99. Your sandwich and fries rang up at $7.99, your drink at $1.99. When you total those up, the price comes to $9.98, so I’m actually saving you a penny on each combo.”

(She still didn’t believe me, so I had to physically write out the price and use basic math to add it up to show her that, in fact, I was saving her a penny and not trying to overcharge her. I think she and her daughter both felt like complete morons because they barely tipped and never came back.)

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