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You Scream, I Scream For Service!

, , , , , | Working | September 3, 2021

A bar in my hometown has several floors which are available to hire as venues for special events, but they also run their own from time to time. They’re known for being quirky, and these rooms have a kind of 1920s vintage décor. One night, they had a promotion to watch a classic 1980s sci-fi film and have a two-course meal in one of these rooms, so a few of my friends bought tickets for it.

We got there and were shown to our table, which had two armchairs and a couch instead of normal seats. This would’ve been great except for one chair that didn’t actually have a seat! I tried to find a member of staff, but they had all disappeared into the staff area and it took fifteen minutes for one to reappear.

Our meals came without issue and I asked for an ice cream dessert, too, which would cost extra. Half an hour later, a bowl of ice cream was placed in front of me which, after a moment, I realised was almost completely melted. Again, all members of staff had disappeared, so I ended up standing in the middle of the hall holding a bowl of ice cream soup whilst the movie played until, eventually, a member of staff appeared.

They replaced the bowl with one only slightly better, so I ate it and watched the rest of the movie with my friends. At the end of the film, nobody came to bill me for the ice cream and I was not prepared to go hunting for the staff again, so this remains the only time I have ever walked out without paying.

Who Wants To Date A Liar?

, , , , | Romantic | August 17, 2021

I meet a woman online and agree to go for a date. I go to the bar and don’t recognise her straight away as she is double the size I was mentally expecting and her hair a different colour and style altogether.

We chat, we drink, and we eventually find a table to grab something to eat. We chat some more and get on, but everything she tells me about herself just makes me question myself a little more and more. I think I’m going crazy or mixing her up with someone else.

When she goes to the toilet, I check the dating app. No, I was right; she posted completely different information about herself, the photos are of her but from what looks like a long time ago, and she mentioned wildly different tastes in books, films, hobbies, food, etc. I think maybe she has just not updated it in a while, but then again, a lot of it is relevant, new music, etc.

She comes back and we start chatting again.

Woman: “What was it you do for a living again?”

Me: “Oh, I work in a school. Did you say you worked in a bank?”

Woman: “No, I work in a supermarket. Not sure where you got bank from.” *Laughs*

I got it from her profile.

Me: “Oh, my mistake, then, sorry. Oh, I’m going on a muddy runner in a couple of weeks. They are still accepting applicants if you want to join me.”

Woman: “What’s that?”

Again, her profile states she has done three.

Me: “You know, running, mud, obstacles… It should be fun.”

Woman: *Laughs* “Do I look like I would be interested in those?”

Me: “I’m not sure. Everything on your profile seems to say something different.”

Woman: “Oh, everyone lies a little on those.”

Me: “Sure, but not everything about them. It’s like talking to a different person. Listen. I’ve enjoyed myself, I have. But I’m finding it a bit weird that I’m meeting someone who presents such a false image of themselves.”

Woman: *Suddenly angry* “Fine! Whatever! Leave, then. Pay at the bar.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but trust is important to me, especially these days. And I don’t feel like I know who you are.”

She ignored me. I guess I understand. I paid my half of the bill at the bar and went home. It wasn’t long before I got a stream of offensive messages, first trying to justify herself, and then yelling at me for not paying for her, too.

I took a break from online dating for a while, only to come back and see her profile, completely new, and again completely fictional. I hope she finds herself before she finds someone else.

When She Really Turns Eighteen, She Should Gift Herself Better Friends

, , , , | Right | August 16, 2021

There’s a local club I’ve been going to for years, and I’ve ended up friends with most of the staff (and worked the odd shift when they need extra cover), so sometimes when I’m not up to anything else, I’ll end up going there just to hang out in the staff areas and grab them coffee.

This particular evening, there’s a Drum ‘N Bass event on, and the club is filling up quickly. As my friends have become busy serving drinks, I head out front to have a cigarette and chat with the bouncers. A group of fairly young-looking people walks up to the door, and the bouncers ask them all for ID before they can enter. Most of the group show their ID and head straight in without issue, but there’s one girl who doesn’t have any ID on her. Her friends have already gone inside and left her behind, and she’s clearly desperate to join them. She tries to persuade the bouncers to make an exception, with no luck; the rules are strict. Eventually, her pleading reaches this hilarious stage.

Girl: “Can I show you my Facebook profile? That’s got my age on!”

The bouncers and I shared a look of disbelief and she was told that, no, that would not count as legal identification.

I was feeling a bit bad for her at this point because her friends, including her boyfriend, just left her behind and hadn’t come back to check on her, so I decided to kindly explain to her that the repercussions of the club letting her in without ID could lead to the venue being closed down and the staff losing their jobs, which is why they really couldn’t make an exception. She still seemed upset about being left behind by her friends, as the only one that did end up coming back to check on her just shrugged and went back in, but she wasn’t arguing with the bouncers anymore and understood that she was not getting in. I chatted with her a little more and she left.

Apparently, this was the first time the bouncers had been offered a Facebook profile as proof of age. We had a laugh about it, but honestly, I think her friends were also pretty crappy for just abandoning her.

His Last Order Is Already In The Past

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2021

In the UK, most bars can only serve alcohol until 11:00 pm. This usually results in a surge when “Last Orders” are called, as customers try to cram in several rounds before they’re forced to go home. I’m ethnic Chinese and have just rung the bell for last orders when a sweaty young man forces his way to the bar, clicking his fingers at me.

Customer: “Oi, Charley Chan, I’ll have eight pints of [beer] and eight double [whisky]s.”

I ignore him and turn to another customer who was ahead.

Customer: “Oi, [ethnic slur], get me my f****** drinks!”

I continue serving other customers but nod my head at my manager, who also acts as a bouncer. This customer is now using various expletives interspersed with racially charged language.

Customer: “Hey, get me my drinks or I’ll f*** you up!”

Manager: *Leaning over the bar* “Listen, mate, you don’t speak to anybody that way, least of all my staff, so you’re going to get out and you’re never coming back. You’re barred forever.”

Customer: “Yeah, you going to throw me out? C’mon, make me! Make me?”

The customer was satisfyingly led out of the bar. I wish I could say it was the last time I was abused at that job, but it was great to know my manager and most of the regulars always had my back.

She So Didn’t Ace This One

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 6, 2021

I’m a cis female. I go with some friends of mine to an LGBT bar to celebrate my friend’s birthday, and we’re all dressed up for it. The bar is also a popular place for LGBT people to hook up. I’m at the bar to order a drink when another woman approaches me.

Woman: “Hey, listen, you’re really cute. I know you’re here with a group of people, but do you want to hang out with me, instead? See where the night goes?”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

The woman very quickly gets put out.

Woman: “Wait, are you straight?! Because these bars are supposed to be a safe place for gay people.”

Me: “One, I’m not making it any less safe. Two, I’m not straight.”

Woman: “You’re not straight?”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “But you’re not a lesbian?”

Me: “Bit of a jump from ‘not interested’ to ‘not a lesbian,’ but no. And I’m not bi, either, before you guess.”

The woman is looking very confused by this point, but the bartender who is returning with my drink nods to my wallet: a flag made of black, grey, white, and purple stripes.

Bartender: “She’s ace, love.”

Me: “Aromantic, as well. Shoot for the moon if you want, honey, but you’re going to be lucky if you make it to Wollongong.”

But seriously, who sees that someone who is clearly there with a group of friends and celebrating, and decides, “Surely this individual will want to hook up!”?