This story happened a long time ago in the ancient days when cell phones were not a thing, and you couldn’t just look up answers on your phone.

My mom and dad were at a bar when the song “Ruby Tuesday” came on. 

Mom: “Oh, I love this song! It’s by the Beatles, right?”

Dad: “No, it’s by the Rolling Stones.”

Mom: “No, that can’t be right.”

They came to the agreement that in order to figure this out, they would ask the other patrons at the bar. Long story short, through force of personality, my mom managed to convince the entire bar that she was correct and that “Ruby Tuesday” was by the Beatles.

When they went home, they looked it up. It’s by the Rolling Stones.

Working in a bar, I have many, MANY, stories of drunk or high customers (or a combination of them both), but I always remember a young woman who was neither.

She came in with a group of friends and I carded them and took their drink order. As I started to walk away, she runs to the backdoor and just makes it outside before throwing up all over the sidewalk.

Me: “Sorry, but I’m going to have to cut you off. She’s clearly already intoxicated.”

Customer’s Friend: “No, she hasn’t been drinking! She’s just tried chewing tobacco for the first time.”

Me: “Oh.”

Customer’s Friend: “…and swallowed some of it.” 

Yup! That would make most people throw up!

We’ve just hired a new bar employee. It’s her very first shift unsupervised ever, but she’s still working with me.

I see her walk up to the register — completely in view of me — take $100, write an IOU note, and put that in the register.

Me: “What are you doing?”

New Hire: “Oh, I just need this for rent.”

Me: “You can’t just take $100 from the register.”

New Hire: “I can’t?”

Me: “No!”

New Hire: “Why not?”

Me: “That’s stealing!”

New Hire: “How?”

Me: “You’re taking money that doesn’t belong to you!”

New Hire: “I’ll give it back! I wrote an IOU!”

Me: “It doesn’t work that way.”

New Hire: “That’s how it worked at my last place.”

Me: “What was your last place?”

New Hire: “My dad’s restaurant.”

Me: “Well, it might be different between family, but here, it’s— Wait. Weren’t you fired from your last place?”

New Hire: “Yeah. So?”

I am bartending on a super busy Saturday night. This couple comes to the bar and asks for vodka martinis with blue cheese olives. I tell them we don’t have blue cheese olives, but we do have regular green olives.

Woman: “So, you have olives?”

Me: “Yes!”

Woman: “And you have blue cheese?”

I see where this is going. I don’t have time to push some blue cheese crumbles into a bunch of olives. So, I SUPER helpfully announce:

Me: “I can get both of those for you!”

And I run to the back. Two seconds later, I bring back a ramekin of blue cheese chunks, a ramekin of olives, and a ramekin of toothpicks.

Me: “Here you go! I’ll be right back with your martinis!”

Pretty petty of me, I guess, but I really didn’t have time.

When my dad was younger, he worked as a beer tapper in a bar in Germany that made their own beer.

Customer: *Jokingly* “I want a beer with the foam head at the bottom!”

My father took a glass, filled it up to the top with a nice head, put a beer mat on top of it, quickly flipped the glass 180°, and pushed it toward the customer.

The customer tipped him twenty and went back to his buddies with the flipped beer!