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Only The Best For Mummy

, , , , , | Working | December 1, 2021

A friend and I are having a long-overdue catch-up over dinner and drinks. We’ve not long finished our meal and are waiting for another round of drinks while we think about dessert.

Waitress: “Sorry, can I ask that I move you to the bar if you’re only drinking?”

Seems like a reasonable request, if a little odd, as there seem to be plenty of tables available.

Me: “We were actually just talking about having dessert.”

Waitress: *Terse* “Well, are you having dessert, then?”

Friend: “We wanted a moment to decide.”

Waitress: “Okay, but we do need the table.”

Again, lots of tables are available. It isn’t as if it is about to get busy, either. The drinks take a while to get to us. By then, we decide to order dessert, and my friend goes to the toilet. No sooner has she left the table than the waitress appears with two women.

Waitress: “Oh, I thought you left.”

Me: “Nope.”

Waitress: “Well, as you’re not eating, you need to move.”

Me: “We are eating; we are just waiting for our food.”

Waitress: “You need to move.”

Me: “No, I really don’t.”

Woman: “It’s okay. We can sit somewhere else.”

Waitress: “No, it’s not okay.” *To me* “Come on, move!”

Woman: “Look, there are lots of tables left. We can sit by the bar. It’s okay.”

Waitress: “No, Mum. You want a window seat and there’s one right here.”

She gestures to me.

Me: “Just get your manager. I’m not moving.”

She stared at me, but eventually, her mother talked her round and she sat her at one of the other tables. We had our dessert and a few more drinks and didn’t bother ever going back.

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 25

, , , , | Right | November 4, 2021

I am eight months pregnant and a bartender. I get a lot of funny looks and am occasionally questioned whether I should work in a bar, but this woman customer takes the cake.

Customer: “Are you pregnant?”

Me: “I am! She’s due next month!”

Customer: “You might want to quit your job now.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “It’s illegal for pregnant women to be around alcohol!”

Me: “One, no, it’s not, and two, it’s my decision and the boss’s whether I work here or not. This is how I earn a living.”

Customer: “Quit your job right now!”

Me: “[Coworker], can you take over here? I’ll handle your end.”

He took over for the woman, and she continued to glare at me. Later, the manager told me, laughing like crazy, that I refused to quit my job and the woman was going to report us. The manager told her to go ahead. The woman actually tried to complain to the police, and they laughed at her.

Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 24
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 23
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 22
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 21
Cause For Pregnant Pause, Part 20

Are You The “Vacation Type” Now, Kiddo?

, , , , , | Working | October 30, 2021

When I’m fifteen, I go on an open-bar cruise, but obviously, I don’t plan on partaking in that. I’m also not the vacation type, so I spend most of the trip on playing video games and hanging out indoors. I learn what a virgin drink is and get really interested in trying all of them since they’re free. I’m a few drinks in when I get to a drink I’ve never heard of.

Me: “What’s a ‘blended white Russian’?”

Bartender: “It’s like a milkshake but with coffee, and it has alcohol in it.”

Me: “One of those, virgin, please!” *Tries the drink* “Oh, this just tastes like milk… Did you put the coffee in there? Can you?”

He takes it back and puts the coffee liqueur in it. I do not know that it’s alcohol.

Me: “Oh, wow! That’s great. Thank you!”

A few minutes pass…

Me: “Another, please!”

Another few minutes…

Me: “Another, thank you!”

After doing this for a WHILE, I start to get really ill. I see my mom walking across the deck and I call her over.

Me: “Can I get the room key? I drank too much milk too fast so I think I’m going to be ill.”

My mom turns on the bartender.

Mom: “I feel like you should know better than to fill a kid full of milkshakes when we’re on a boat.”

Bartender: *Deadpan* “That’s not a milkshake. It’s a white Russian.”

Me: “Don’t worry. I ordered a virgin!”

Bartender: “You asked for coffee liqueur.”

Me: “I asked for coffee.”

Bartender: “This is a bar. The only coffee I have is Kahlua.”

Mom: “Oh, my God, you’ve been serving a fifteen-year-old drinks!”

Bartender: “Oh, he’s fifteen?” *Looks at me* “You look younger.” *Walks off*

We were under the impression that there was no minimum drinking age in international waters so we didn’t try to complain, which I just learned isn’t even true. Also, “free drinks” was false advertising; most of the drinks I ordered were “Specialty Cocktails” and were very expensive. Sorry for my 400$ vomit, Mom.

Underaged And Under Pressure

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2021

I work the door at a bar/club on weekends. Two university students come in. One seems fine but the other one is looking around nervously.

Me: “Can I see your IDs, please?”

The calm one starts reaching for his wallet.

Nervous Student: *At the top of his lungs* “I’M UNDERAGE!”

And he runs out. The remaining student rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and then wanders out after his friend.

Her Waters Didn’t Break But Her Scam Did

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2021

A woman tries to pay for her bill — £40 worth of cocktails — with a pharmacy chain’s loyalty card.

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, this isn’t possible.”

Customer: “I’m going to get the money out.”

I follow her and see her trying to get into a taxi. I challenge her.

Me: “Madam! I need the £40!”

She runs at me, belly first, and screams:

Customer: “I’M PREGNANT!”

She then proceeded to wet herself, claiming her water had broken.