Height Trumps Hate

| San Diego, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Military, Rude & Risque, Top

(My younger brother has come to town to visit me. I take him to the bar I work at for a few drinks and to meet my friends there. A regular customer who has been hitting on me for months comes in and sees us sitting together in one of the booths.)

Customer: *tries to look down my shirt* “Huh, and I thought after all this time you were a f***ing lesbian. Or is this f** your beard?”

Me: “I’m not working tonight. Go bother someone else.”

(The customer slides into the booth next to me, and tries to put his arm around my shoulders.)

Customer: “Why don’t you send your f** boyfriend off to get some beer and we can have a nice talk?”

(Note that my brother has been sitting slouched in the booth, concealing his size.)

Brother: “Why don’t you take your hands off of her and f*** off?”

(The customer springs out of the booth and stands near my brother in a really stupid looking ‘karate’ pose.)

Customer: “Why don’t you make me, you f***ing f**?! Huh?! Why don’t you make me?”

Brother: “Okay…”

(As he starts to slowly get out of the booth, the customer realizes his mistake. The customer is maybe 5’8″, while my brother looms over a foot taller than him at 6’9″. My brother grabs him by collar and belt and throws him out.)

Brother: “And it’s Sergeant, not f**, if you don’t mind!”

(I love my little brother.)

Quaffer Some Free Advice

| NY, USA | Food & Drink

Customer #1: “Four shots of Jameson, please. But can we have them for free?”

Me: “Ha ha, no.”

Customer #1: “Can we at least have a discount?”

Customer #2: “We’re all bartenders too!”

Customer #1: “Except for me. I’m a personal trainer.”

Me: “Do people ever ask you for free stuff?”

Customer #1: *annoyed* “Yeah, they want, like, a free hour with me.”

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Customer #1: “I SHUT IT DOWN! Just like you did. Good job. High five!”

(They paid for all the shots, and tipped two dollars for each.)

Put A Cork In It

| Newcastle, England, UK | Uncategorized

(A customer has just ordered a large glass of wine. She returns to me at the bar having drunk a good two-thirds of the glass.)

Me: “Hello, madam, is there a problem?”

Customer: “This wine is corked.”

Me: “Excuse me, madam?”

Customer: *points to glass* “This wine is corked. See?”

(I look at the glass and there is a small white object in her drink. I take the glass from her and see that its actually a piece of beer mat.)

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but this wine isn’t corked. ‘Corking’ is a term used when the structure of the cork, on a molecular level, has allowed oxygen into the wine bottle before it has been opened and turned it sour or unpleasant. This glass has just got a piece of cork in it. In all honesty, madam, that just looks like a small piece of beer mat, not cork. Are you wanting to make a complaint?”

Customer: “That’s what I meant. The wine is a bit sour. It’s not very nice. It must have gone off, like you said, because the cork has let some air into it.”

Me: “Would you like to point out which wine you purchased madam?”

Customer: *points to bottle* “That one.”

Me: “Are you sure, madam?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “That brand of wine is a screw-top, madam.”

(The customer just stands there for a few seconds, then turns around and returns to her table. Five minutes later, her and her partner leave.)

Whiskey Unwise And Brand Foolish

| Porto, Portugal | Food & Drink

Patron: “Good evening! I’ll have a whiskey cola.”

(I serve him a generic whiskey with cola.)

Me: “Here you go! That will be [amount].”

Patron: “Hey, that wasn’t [whiskey label]! I want [whiskey label] with cola.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but since most of our customers don’t ask for any special brand labeled whiskey, we serve a generic brand to save on costs. If you want a special labeled whiskey, you just have to ask for it. The price is the same. I’ll get you your [whiskey label) for free, but please be sure to ask it by name the next time.”

(15 minutes later, the same patron approaches the bar.)

Patron: “F***! Serve me your cheaper whiskey! This s*** tastes all the same to me. You guys are okay!”

One Bloody Scary On The Shocks

| Sydney, Australia | Bizarre, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am working at the bar on a particularly busy night and I don’t realise that I have cut one of my fingers. As I hand a customer his drink, I notice a bit of blood on the glass.)

Me: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! I must have cut myself. Let me remake that for you!”

Customer: “Don’t worry, it’s fine.”

Me: “No, I cut myself and there’s a bit of blood on that glass. Please, let me give you a new one.”

(Before I can take the glass back, the customer picks it up.)

Customer: “I like it this way. Don’t worry!”

Me: “But—”

(The customer turns the glass around and drinks from the side with my blood.)

Customer: *grinning* “Mmmm, delicious! Thanks!”

Me: *horrified*

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