Using Alternative Words

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

Me: “Can I get you anything?”

Customer: “No, thank you. I was wondering, though, why are there so many alternative couples in here?”

Me: “Alternative?”

Customer: “Well, gay. I don’t like using that word though because it normalises the perverse.”

Me: “I see… Well, this is a gay bar, so that’s why there are so many gay couples.”

Customer: “Oh, an alternative bar! How interesting. Are you alternative?”

Me: “Yes, I’m gay.”

Customer: “How interesting!”

(Other than referring to anything gay as “alternative” she seemed quite pleased with everything and spent most of the evening with us.)

Checkout This Scam, Yet Again

| Australia | Right | July 25, 2017

(Our bar serves coffees throughout the day. During hot days we open the windows around the coffee machine, but usually don’t serve through them because people start to line up on the street and block the footpath. When it’s quiet and someone just wants a takeaway coffee, though, we can just quickly make one and pass it through the window. A businessman comes up to the window and asks for a coffee, hands me a hundred dollar bill, waits until I put it through the till, then gives me 50c in small change, which actually makes the change round perfectly to $96.00. I hand him two twenties, a fifty, and the coins, making sure I put the fifty dollar note on top and say the amount. As soon as I turn to the coffee machine, he interrupts.)

Customer: “Um, excuse me, you didn’t give me enough change. I paid with $100.”

(He shows me the notes he’s holding, just the two twenties. I’m actually stunned he managed to hide the fifty in less than half a second.)

Me: “No, I definitely gave you $96; I even showed you when I put the fifty on top.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t. I don’t have a fifty. Look, it’s not in my wallet; it’s not here.”

Me: “I definitely gave you the fifty. Have a look on the floor. Could it have dropped? Blown out of your hand?” *there isn’t even a breeze*

Customer: “No, you didn’t give me the fifty.”

Me: “I’ll get my manager.”

(I explained that he was trying to scam us and my manager said he would double check the cameras to see if I handed him the note. A soon as I told the guy, he miraculously found the fifty on the floor by his feet, where he’d thoroughly checked and insisted it wasn’t, all without even looking down when he picked it up. We didn’t have a camera there either. After he left my manager said it happens a lot when they try to pay for something small with a huge note then give you change after you’ve processed it, to try to confuse you, and then insist you gave them the wrong change – though this time his loose change actually rounded the total nicely.)


Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 3

| Bristol, England, UK | Right | July 24, 2017

Customer: “[Brand Rum] and coke, please.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have [Brand Rum], but we do have another really nice white rum.”

Customer: “Rum? I don’t want rum; I want [Brand Rum].”

Me: “Well, [Brand Rum] is rum and the other one we have is very nice.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want any of that fake stuff. I’ll have a [Brand Rum Flavor] and coke instead.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t have [Brand Rum flavor], but we do have another really lovely coconut rum.”

Customer: “No [Brand Rum flavor]? What sort of bar is this?!”

Me: “A good one.”

Customer: “Hmph!” *storms out*


Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

Acting Like A Complete Ditch

, , | Right | July 3, 2017

(I don’t work at this pub, but my family like to go there a lot for food so we’re pretty friendly with the staff, even with the owner. It’s nice and quiet in this building despite being directly next to a busy road with high speed traffic. The building itself has a river around two sides. A woman and her family walk in loudly, her talking loudly to someone on speakerphone with the phone next to her ear. We can’t understand her, but she is shouting, and eventually the owner comes and sits with us at our table, head in hands.)

Mom: “Everything okay? You look like you could use a strong drink.”

Owner: “I wish I could. I’d honestly take a straight tequila right now.”

Mom: “Is it that family that just came in? They are being very loud… Does she not know she’s on loudspeaker and we can hear her even at the back here?”

Owner: “Yeah, it’s them. It’d be great if it was something as simple as that; I could handle that. No, they… They crashed their car into the river.”

Me: “What?! Is everyone okay?” *I know First Aid and would have offered assistance if needed*

Owner: “Yeah, they’re all fine. They came around the bend too fast and went in.”

(Before we can say anything else, the woman appears at the doorway the section we are in, snapping her fingers at the owner.)

Woman: “You! Manager! Come here!”

Owner: *gets up with a small sigh, turning to her* “Yes, ma’am? We’re just waiting for the ambulance to get here to make sure your family is okay.”

Woman: “That’s not important. I want to know how you’re going to compensate me!”

Owner: “I-I’m sorry…?”

Woman: “My family could have been killed because of the river on your property and now we’re stranded here! Where is my compensation?!”

Owner: *speechless*

(Although normally I don’t like confrontation, I decide to say something.)

Me: “I’m sorry; you want him to pay you for you crashing your car?”

Woman: *turns to me with a look that could kill* “Yes, that ditch—”

Me: *interrupting* “You already fully admitted to him that you were speeding, all of which would have been captured on there.” *pointing to CCTV above the bar* “At this point, I’d be grateful none of your family was killed or even hurt because of your stupidity, unlike a family I had to help last year after they crashed into a tree.” *I’m getting upset and raising my voice at this point, despite my mom trying to calm me down.* “Now please, be quiet until the ambulance and police arrive because the staff here does not deserve your abuse when they’re already doing their best to help!”

Woman: *sputters a little before quietly going back to her family, saying something in another language*

(We eventually left after giving our statements to the police, and after I calmed down. The woman was quiet for the rest of the time we were there. When we went outside we saw the car.It was flipped almost on its roof and police had completely swarmed around it. Turned out the driver was drunk and speeding, not seeing the edge of the ditch, and flipped it into the water.)

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