(My girlfriend is incredibly possessive and insecure. I am out on my first night out with friends in months.)

Girlfriend: *through phone call* “Hey babes, are you coming over tonight?”

Me: “Well, we discussed this earlier. I’m not driving tonight and I’ll be seeing you tomorrow.”

Girlfriend: “What! Have you got some w**** to sleep with?! That’s why you won’t see me, isn’t it?!”

(This continues for another five minutes. My friends, who can hear her, are all wide eyed in shock. Eventually my best friend takes the phone from me.)

My Friend: “Look, shut up. This poor guy has to put up with you and your insecurities almost every day, and I can guarantee no one else would. He deserves a medal for staying with you this long! Now let the man enjoy what time he has with his friends in peace, or I’m going to buy him a hooker just to spite you.” *hangs up on her*

Patron: “Good evening! I’ll have a whiskey cola.”

(I serve him a generic whiskey with cola.)

Me: “Here you go! That will be [amount].”

Patron: “Hey, that wasn’t [whiskey label]! I want [whiskey label] with cola.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but since most of our customers don’t ask for any special brand labeled whiskey, we serve a generic brand to save on costs. If you want a special labeled whiskey, you just have to ask for it. The price is the same. I’ll get you your [whiskey label) for free, but please be sure to ask it by name the next time.”

(15 minutes later, the same patron approaches the bar.)

Patron: “F***! Serve me your cheaper whiskey! This s*** tastes all the same to me. You guys are okay!”

(It’s late Easter Sunday evening. The pool hall is empty except for one group of four. One member of the group is intoxicated and has been allowed to stay but not to drink.)

Customer: “Eight ball in the corner…”

(He shoots and misses by a wide margin.)

Customer: “G**D*** IT! SON OF A B****!”

(Suddenly, he smashes the house pool cue repeatedly on the table until it is nothing but splinters.)

Me: “HEY! You need to leave here, right now!”

Customer: “Why?! What the h*** is your problem?!”

This story is part of our Easter 2024 roundup!

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(I’m the supervisor at a bar. It’s a somewhat quiet night, so I’ve been chatting with a pretty female customer. When I slip into the back room to get more ice, I run into my barback, who tells me how he wants to bend the customer over the bar and show her what a real man is. It’s clear that the female customer has heard the barback’s lewd comments, so I tell him to apologize to her.)

Barback: “Hey, my supervisor says I have to apologize, so I’m sorry you overheard me.”

Female Customer: “That is probably the most worthless apology I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Barback: “I ain’t gonna apologize for saying it.”

Female Customer: “Then allow me to be blunt. You will keep your hands to yourself, or I will break your fingers.”

Barback: “You can’t say that to me!”

Female Customer: “Actually, I can. Because you having your fingers broken is contingent on you violating my right to not be touched by you if I don’t want to.”

(At this point, another customer who is sitting next to the female customer joins the conversation.)

Other Customer: “She’s right, you know.”

Barback: “Oh, and all of the sudden you just know stuff?”

(The other customer flashes a detective’s badge.)

Other Customer: “Yup. Just like that.”

Barback: *to the female customer* “You stupid Irish b****! All y’all are sneaky little c***s trying to get us good American men in trouble!”

Female Customer: “You think the Irish are out to get you?”

Barback: “No! Women!”

Female Customer: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

(The barback thankfully got fired the next day, and the female customer and the detective are now my favorite customers; they come in together all the time!)

(I’m on a first date. I don’t know this guy very well; he’s a friend of a friend and we’ve only previously talked online or via text a few times.)

Guy: “Hey it’s great to finally meet you.”

Me: “You too!”

Guy: “So you DTF?”

Me: “Um, sorry?”

Guy: “You’re not DTF?”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

(Without saying anything else, the guy gets up from the bar and leaves. I don’t know what just happened. I am getting a bit upset thinking I’ve done something wrong before the barman, who’s heard everything, comes over.)

Barman: “He was asking if you were down to…” *he gestures and waits for me to work it out*

Me: “….oh my god!”

Barman: “Yeah, look. Oh behalf of men everywhere I want to apologise for that a**-hole. We’re not all like that. I’m going to get you a drink on the house, and if he was your ride home, I’ll sort a cab for you. Don’t let him ruin your night.”

(I ended up staying for a few more hours and talking to him. At the end of the night he gave me his number!)

Related:
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World