No Barrier To Drinking

, | Arlington, VA, USA | Working | May 18, 2016

(In Virginia, open containers of alcohol are not allowed in public area. However, if a restaurant has sidewalk/outdoor patio space, they can get a permit to serve alcohol there, as long as their seating area on the sidewalk is designated with some sort of physical indicator.)

Me: *in chained-off patio area, talking to woman across the patio* “Hey, Trish! Did you—”

(I realize it’s too noisy for her to hear me, so I walk around the patio, outside of the chain, and then talk to Trish. I’m still holding my bottle of beer.)

Waitress: “[My Name]! You can’t have your beer outside of our patio!”

(I look down, and see I’m still on the outside of the chain. I then step over the chain, but put my feet in the exact same place, but now the chain is behind my calves.)

Waitress: “That’s better.”

Smoking Kills

| Derby, England, UK | Related | May 16, 2016

(We’re at the wake for my grandma, and I excuse myself for some “fresh air,” i.e. a cigarette. My cousin decides to come with me, and as I walk outside I light up…)

Cousin: “Wait a minute! You lied! You said you were going for fresh air!”

Me: “You actually thought I meant fresh air?”

Cousin: “Of course I did! I’m telling on you! Look, here comes [Aunt].”

(My aunt, my cousin’s mother, comes outside, and lights up, too. My cousin’s been living in Ireland for some time, so didn’t know her mother had started smoking again.)

Cousin: “Oh, my god, you too?! You’re all terrible! I’m telling!”

Aunt: “Who’re you gonna tell, my mum?”

(At that we all just cracked up, and it took several minutes for us to collect ourselves. Gallows humour isn’t for everyone, but by god does it run in our family.)

Busy-ness Model

| Wales, UK | Right | May 13, 2016

(I am the general manager of a large Irish pub in a city centre. It’s a Saturday night, we have a live band playing, and the pub is extremely busy, I’m standing on the front door with the door man.)

Customer: *walking out of front door* “It’s disgusting. It’s too busy in there.”

Me: “I’m sorry; what is the problem?”

Customer: *getting irate* “It’s too busy; there are too many people and I have to wait to get served.”

Me: “It is a Saturday night and there is a band playing. It’s often this busy.”

Customer: “It’s disgusting. I’m never coming back!”

Me: “I’m sorry that our business model is clearly working.”

You Obviously Don’t Have An Anime Nose

| Japan | Right | April 28, 2016

(I am a European girl working in a bar in Japan that advertises as being international. Foreign staff are often popular with Japanese customers who frequently tell us how “kawaii” (cute) we are. On this occasion I am talking to a couple of slightly drunk Japanese girls.)

Customer: “Aaaaaaah, you’re so cute!”

Me: *smiling, since we get this a lot* “Thank you.”

Customer: “Ah, you’re so cute! It’s because your face is small and you have a nose!”

Me: “Thank you…?”

(Apparently having a nose is somehow exciting!)

Very Family Unfriendly

, | AB, Canada | Right | April 22, 2016

(I’m a hostess at a restaurant that is comprised of a dining room on one side and a lounge/bar on the other. Children, for obvious reasons, are not permitted on the bar side. On this evening we are packed, which is not unusual for a Friday night. A female customer approaches me at the front desk.)

Customer: “How long is the wait for the dining room?”

Me: “Good evening. Right now we are looking at a forty-five minute wait for the dining room. Would you like me to put your name down?”

Customer: “Forty-five minutes! That’s pretty s***ty! What about the bar?”

Me: “The bar does have availability. Is everyone in your party over eighteen?”

Customer: “No, I have two little kids that are d*** near starving!”

Me: “I apologize, but minors are not permitted in the bar side.”

Customer: *shouts* “Oh, you just hate children, then!”

Me: *stunned silence*

(The family left, the mother swearing and cursing our “children hating” policies.)

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