(We are required by law to collect certain pieces of information from non-customers before cashing a check for them. Our system will not allow us to cash anything without this information. Most of our regulars understand this, and provide this information without protest. We occasionally get someone who tries to argue…)

Me: “Good morning. How can I help you?”

Customer #1: “Cash this.” *throws ID and check at me*

Me: “Have you ever cashed here before?”

Customer #1: “No.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. I just need to ask you a few additional questions. Can you confirm your current address, please?”

Customer #1: “Why do you need to ask me anything? I have my ID and this check, and you have to cash it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I am required by federal law to ask—”

Customer #1: “I will not give you any information! Get me a manager, now!”

(I flag down the nearest supervisor, who has heard the whole thing.)

Supervisor: “Good morning, sir. As [My Name] said, we are required by law to get certain pieces of information before we can cash a check for you.”

Customer #1: “I am not a criminal! I won’t give you any information! What are you going to do about that, huh?”

Supervisor: “Our system will not let us cash a check without this information, so unfortunately we will not be able to process this for you today.” *hands the check back*

Customer #1: “FINE! I will go to my bank!” *storms out*

Supervisor: “Imagine what would’ve happened if you’d gotten through all the questions…”

Me: “No kidding!”

([Customer #2], a regular, steps up to my window.)

Customer #2: “I have my ID ready and all my information is up to date. Would you like a blood sample or my firstborn child as a second form of ID?” *grins*

(I work at a bank. A different branch has a coin counter for its account holders. We are a very small location without a coin counter, located in a mall. Policy says we aren’t allowed to accept loose change over $10 — only rolled coins — and we have a sign up saying this. A customer enters the store with his daughter, carrying a large pickle jar full of coins, and asks for it to be exchanged for paper money. When the teller explains policy, he asks to speak to me.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but we just aren’t allowed to take large volumes of coins. There is a coin counter at [Nearby Branch], or if you give me your account information I can give you free coin rolls.”

Customer: “I don’t have an account.”

Me: “Then I’m afraid you’ll have to purchase coin rolls. They sell them at the dollar store.”

Customer: “Why don’t you just count the f****** coins and do your job?”

Me: “That’s hours of work we just won’t do for someone who isn’t an account holder. I know there’s a [Coin-Counting Machine] at the local grocery store.”

Customer: “I’m not paying a fee to get this changed to folding money! So what? My money just isn’t good here?”

Me: “You’re not purchasing anything, and I’m not obligated to do a tender exchange for someone who isn’t a customer. You can visit [Branch] and see if they will let you use their coin counter.”

Daughter: “You don’t need a coin counter; just weigh the coins.”

Me: “It doesn’t work that way.”

Daughter: “Yeah, if you weigh the coins, you can tell how much is in it.”

Me: “No. Coins weigh different amounts, so you can’t tell by weighing a mixed jar how much value it has.”

Daughter: “Yeah! I Googled it, just right now. Five pounds of coins is like, forty dollars. You should give me eighty dollars for this.”

(She has been standing there the whole time, and in no way has Googled anything.)

Me: “No. It really doesn’t work that way.”

Customer: “Fine! I don’t need this bulls***!”

(He slammed the jar onto the counter and stormed off. We left it there for an hour, then turned it over to mall security. After ninety days, they declared it abandoned, and a security guard went through the jar. Mixed in with the coins were lead slugs. Despite this, when he actually rolled the coins, they amounted to about $170. They donated this to the same charity that coins in the fountain go to. All we can figure is it was a ridiculously poorly thought-out scam.)

(I work as a bank teller.)

Customer: “I’d like to withdraw twelve hundred dollars from my account.”

Me: “Certainly. Can I have your account number?”

Customer: “I don’t know it, and I don’t have my card.”

Me: “In that case, can I have your social security number to look it up?

Customer: “I don’t give that out.”

Me: “Well… okay. What is your name?”

Customer: “I don’t give it out.”

Me: “Can I see your ID?”

Customer: “You shouldn’t need my ID; just give me my money and hurry up!”

Me: “Sir, without ID we are unable to give you any money.”

Customer: *slams his first on the counter and yells* “What’s the point of even banking here at [Our Rival Bank] then?!” *storms out*

(I work in a bank and am on the phone with a customer.)

Customer: “Here’s the phone number to the guy who wrote those four checks to me. Call him and he’ll verify he wrote them.” *gives number*

Me: “So, this number is to the person who wrote these checks to you, right?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Sir, this is your phone number.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t. Call it; you’ll see!”

Me: “Sir, I have a system that allows me to verify phone records. This is yours.”

(Line disconnected.)

(A customer sends over his savings account ledger through the carrier at the bank’s drive-thru. I have to rifle through it to figure out what he wants, and find a $100 bill between the pages. I start to put it back when I see a second bill between two other pages. I hesitate, because between his car and my window is an oversized diesel pickup truck that is extremely loud. In addition, it’s been a very windy day, and it’s been difficult to hear customers all day as the wind blows across the microphones.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to [Bank]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *noise noise noise* “—deposit—” *noise* “—two hundred—” *noise* “—savings.”

Me: “Absolutely! I’ll have your receipt for you in one moment.”

(I deposit his cash, put the receipt in his book, and send it back. Seconds later, he rings the buzzer. Thankfully, the truck is gone now and I can hear him better.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you?”

Customer: *angry* “I TOLD YOU TO DEPOSIT TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!”

Me: *double-checks my work* “Yes, that’s what I did.”

Customer: *lifting the account ledger* “Then WHY DOES IT STILL SAY $1235?”

Me: “Oh, I didn’t update your book for you; do you need the updated balance?”

Customer: “NO! I NEED YOU TO DO YOUR F****** JOB AND WRITE IT DOWN!”

(It’s NOT my job to write it down. Bookkeepers make a lot more money than I do! But I will write it down for customers who ask. I am not going to argue with him.)

Me: “Okay. Send it back; I’ll be happy to write it down for you.”

(He sends his ledger back through the carrier. I update the balance on the next line and write the date, and send it back to him. A couple seconds later, he rings the buzzer again.)

Customer: “YOU DID IT WRONG!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You didn’t write $200! You’re supposed to write that I deposited $200!”

Me: “Sir, perhaps if you’re that particular about how your book is kept, you should be writing it yourself.”