It’s A Telephone, Not a Teleporter

| | Right | April 12, 2008

(Customer calls in asking about her balance and bank charges. Just to emphasise this conversation take place over a telephone.)

Me: “Your balance is *** amount into an unplanned overdraft but you have until 3pm tomorrow to credit your account and you’ll avoid any charges.”

Her: “Hmmm, well I got some money but I won’t be able to get into my branch tomorrow. Can’t I just pay it in over the phone?”

Me: “From another account?”

Her: “No from the same account.”

Me: “I’m not sure I understand, the account is overdrawn. You needs funds from another source.”

Her: “I know, I have some from my account.”

Me: “You mean cash?”

Her: “Yeah could I do that?”

Me: “No, you would have to go into your branch to pay that in.”

Her: “I just said I can’t make it to my branch! Why can’t you just pay this in? You’re a bank aren’t you?!”

Me: “Excuse me, but just how would you expect me to pay this money in?”

(Silence, during which I would like to imagine she is looking at the money and the phone, trying to jam it in there or something.)

Her: “But it’s from my account! Can’t you just take it off the overdraft!”

Me: “I understand what you’re saying, but unless we invent a teleporter to transfer your money directly into your account it will be impossible for me to take a cash payment.”

Her: “But I’ll be charged! If I get charges I want them refunded this is ridiculous! I can’t understand why you can’t just put my account in credit!”

Me: *dying a little on the inside* “Me neither, me neither…”

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If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

| | Right | March 22, 2008

(While performing a normal transaction…)

Bank customer: “When is your baby due?”

Me, smiling: “Oh, I had my baby 5 months ago! She’s doing wonderfully.”

Bank customer: *waves her hand around her face in a circle* “Oh, I guess you still haven’t lost your baby fat.”

Me: “…”

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| | Right | January 23, 2008

Customer: “Hey, somebody painted the wall outside the branch I use!”

Me: “Yes sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well now I don’t know my PIN number!”

Me: “I’m sorry–I’m not sure what that has to do with the wall being painted.”

Customer: “I wrote my PIN number on the wall beside the ATM! NOW what am I supposed to do?!?!”

Me: “…”

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Arr, Matey! I Be Wanting Ye Gold Doubloons!

| | Right | October 30, 2007

Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”

Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”

Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”

Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Can I buy gold?”

Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”

Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”

Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”

Me: “… Okay.”

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Apparently, It Grows On Trees Nowadays

, | | Right | October 27, 2007

Disgruntled Bank Customer: “What do you mean I don’t have any money? I still have checks in my book!”

(Customer opened up checkbook, showing off the blank checks.)

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