They Don’t Know If They’re Coming Or Going

, , , , , | Working | March 13, 2019

(My spouse is the more organized one, so he is kind enough to pay all the bills and since most are a predictable amount, my half is set to transfer from my account to his every month. One month I have some financial complications. I call my bank’s 1-800 line to figure something out.)

Me: “Hi. I have an automatic transfer set up, sending $467 to my husband on the fifth of each month. This month I was short on funds and we weren’t sure how to temporarily pause these transfers, so he transferred the needed money to me so I wouldn’t get an NSF fee. However, the monthly transfer never came out, and I am calling to find out why.”

Rep: “Don’t worry; it did go through! I see a transfer of $467 on the fifth! Do you need any other help?”

Me: “No, the money did not come out. I have my account open in front of me; nothing came out.”

Rep: “Yep! Right here on the fifth, as you said, to another account held with our bank, probably your husband, as you said, for $467.”

Me: “So, on your version of my transaction history, you see one $467 from him to me, and one from me to him?”

Rep: “No, just the one transfer.”

Me: “Okay, that is the same thing I see, then. And it’s a transfer to me. What I wish to investigate is a transfer from me that failed to happen. It’s gone through every month for ages, so I know it was set up properly.”

Rep: “I get you. Hmm, yes, I see a transfer of $467 on the fifth of last month, the month before… and again this month, so you’re all good! Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Me: “As I said, there was no such transfer this month. My spouse loaned me the money to cover it, but it didn’t get taken; it is still sitting in my account. The $467 transaction in my records is that loan, to me. But there should be another transaction of it going out, automatically.”

Rep: *still all perky, showing no doubt or confusion, seemingly unable to even realize she is failing to grasp something* “Yes! The payment took place; you have nothing to worry about!”

Me: “But it didn’t!”

Rep: “Yes, $467, on the fifth!”

Me: “So, you’re a phone rep who refuses to listen to callers, and a bank employee who doesn’t see a difference between incoming and outgoing money? Seriously?!”

(I let out a window-rattling groan of frustration and misery and hung up on her. If you’re curious about the missing transaction, it turns out that we’d set the automatic transfer to run for two years, not forever, so it had simply reached its end and shut off. It’s now set to run forever. And if we do any other shuffling of money between our accounts, we choose any number BUT $467, to avoid confusing any slow-witted bank employees!)

Unable To Account For Their Behavior

, , | Right | March 13, 2019

Patron: “I would like to transfer all of my money, please, to my new bank — a bank that actually treats its clientele with dignity and respect.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you are unhappy with our services. If you could please—“

(She interrupts me with a rant about how unfair we have been with her, and how she has never been so disrespected and publicly humiliated. I apologise several times and try to steer the conversation back to the transfer. After nearly fifteen minutes of her wailing on me…)

Patron: “Well, what are you waiting for? Transfer my money and close your shameful excuse for an account!”

(Another rant follows.)

Patron: “I’ve been here for nearly half an hour. How long is this meant to take?!”

Me: “I haven’t been able to start. I need your name and the details of your new bank and account.”

Patron: “Why on earth do you need that?!”

Me: “How else am I meant to know which account you’re referring to, and where to send your money?”

(She grunted, looked around for a second, and left. To my knowledge, she has never been back, and even if she went through HQ to close her account, we would have received the instruction from them, as our policies mean only the branch can close the account. It’s been five months!)

Money Talks… Vaguely

, , | Right | March 11, 2019

Me: “Good morning! How can we help you today?”

Customer: “I need to speak with [Old Coworker].”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but [Old Coworker] no longer works here with us. Was there something specific you needed to talk with him about? I could have you sit down with another banker today.”

Customer: “Yes, I had a question for him.”

Me: “All right, what was it about? I can let the current banker know.”

Customer: “Money.”

Me: *pause* “Okay! Let me grab someone for you.”

Not Being Very Private (Eye) About Her Affair

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2019

(Our parking lot is partially under construction as they lay new water pipes, so employees have to park at a gravel lot down the block. After work, I pick up my daughter from after-school activities, but depending on the timing, I’ll often sit in my car and read until it’s time to get her. I’m in the car when there’s a loud pounding on my door. I look up to see an irate woman.)

Woman: “You want something to show Harold? You want some proof?!”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “If he is so g**d*** sure I’m cheating on him that he’s sending a g**d*** investigator after me, he can just have the divorce!”

Me: “I’m not a private detective; I work at the bank down the street.”

Woman: “Bulls***! You’re here every day, watching me.”

Me: “I’m not watching anyone. I just park here.”

Woman: “Give these to Harold and tell him this is all the proof he needs, and he better not expect me to pay any of your salary!”

(She shoves several printed pages into my hand and storms off towards a house across the street. The pages are pictures of her and a man being intimate. I’m shocked, and I shred them when I get home. For the next few days, I park at a shopping center and walk. Less than a week later, I’m waiting on customers and realize the woman is next in line. She doesn’t recognize me.)

Me: “If you could just swipe your card to bring up your account… As I told you the other day, I work at a bank and not as a private eye.”

(She looked at me and turned red as a beet, and we did her transaction quickly. I couldn’t help but notice that it was a joint account with a Harold. It’s been three months, and if it wasn’t against regulations, I’d be curious to see if they both were still on the account.)

Making His Feelings Very Public

, , , | Right | March 7, 2019

(I am a deputy branch manager of a reputed public sector bank. One day, our servers are down and we are unable to do any transactions. However, it is against our bank’s policy to close doors during business hours. We are politely informing customers that their transactions cannot be carried out. One self-important customer storms into my branch manager’s office.)

Customer: *demanding tone* “Print me my transactions statement!”

Manager: “That will not be possible until servers are restored.”

(The customer loses his temper and goes on a tirade that, being public sector employees, we bankers are getting salary from taxes paid by him and still we are refusing service to him. My boss is a very gentle person, but he’s offended by the customer’s words. Just then cops arrive in our branch for a routine visit.)

Boss: *calmly says to the customer* “Your taxes pay salary for them—“ *cops* “—too. Can you talk in a similar fashion to them, as they are public servants also?”

(The customer looked sheepish, and from that day he has never been rude to us.)

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