Not Address-ing The Issue At All

, , , , | Working | March 8, 2018

(I’ve recently moved address and need to get it changed with my bank, so I phone up.)

Bank Worker: “Hello, how can I assist you today?”

Me: “Hi. I need to change my address that’s associated with my account, please.”

Bank Worker: “Okay. Do you have the special four-digit code you need to change the address?”

Me: “No. I didn’t know I needed one. I know all my security questions and everything; will that not work?”

Bank Worker: “No. We can only use the four-digit code to change addresses on the system.”

Me: “Okay. How do I get one?”

Bank Worker: “We send you it in the post.”

Me: “You send it? But I’ve moved house. I’m no longer at the address you have on record.”

Bank Worker: “Okay?”

Me: “So, how do I get a code?”

Bank Worker: “We send it to your address.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: I need a special code to be able to change my address that will get sent to the address that I’m no longer living at?”

Bank Worker: *pause* “Yes.”

(Facepalm.)

The Bank Wants Your Money And Your Blood

, , , , , | Healthy | February 12, 2018

I work as a bank teller. One morning a customer walks in, and I notice that he is both extremely pale and has a rasping cough as he approaches me to make a withdrawal. Just as I grab his money and begin to count it out in front of him, to my horror, he suddenly turns his head to the side, coughs violently, then begins to vomit a large amount of blood.

My coworkers quickly move to get the customer a chair to sit in as I call 911. During the commotion, an apparent acquaintance of the customer rushes in and helps hold him upright to walk him to the chair

Less than five minutes later, an ambulance arrives and takes the customer away. We learn the acquaintance is actually the customer’s neighbor. The customer had been feeling very unwell the last few days, and the neighbor had agreed to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to stop at the bank first to make sure he had some cash on hand if necessary. We block off my teller station and call in professional cleaners to come and clean up the potentially hazardous blood.

A few months later, I am working at my usual station again when I call for the next in line and suddenly realize I am talking to this same customer. I almost don’t recognize him, as he has much more color to his face and appears to have put on some necessary weight. He also recognizes me, and apologizes again for the incident. It turns out the pain he was experiencing was from his appendix, which actually ruptured as I was waiting on him. He says that the doctors have now given him a clean bill of health, and then he leaves, after jumping up and down a few times to show how much his health has improved.

Save Me From These Customers

, , , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

Customer: “What did you say your name was?”

Employee: “Ryan.”

Customer: “Wasn’t there a movie about that? Ryan’s Privates?”

Employee: *pause* “Something like that.”

Not Too Proud To Apologize

, , , , , , | Working | January 22, 2018

(I get into an argument with a coworker who is annoyed that our boss is giving those who asked the day off to go to the Pride Parade. Although I am straight, a few of my family members are not and I am going to Pride to support them.)

Coworker: “I don’t get why [Boss] is giving you that day off! You’re not even gay!”

Me: “So? Ever heard of allies?”

Coworker: “Oh, my God! Everyone is asking for the day to just slack off! You know that’s our busiest day! God, is anyone going even gay?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. You know some of our coworkers are gay, right? They wear pins all the time, and their wives even come by to pick them up.”

Coworker: “Who?”

Me: “Seriously, how have you not noticed? It’s [Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2]. Their wives are so nice and—”

Coworker: “What? They aren’t lesbians! They don’t look like lesbos.”

Me: “You can’t tell people’s sexualities by looking at them.”

(My coworker laughs and walks away; however, the next day, he corners me in the break room before I sign in.)

Coworker: “You know how you said yesterday about not being able to tell people are lesbos by just looking at them?”

Me: “Well, I said you cannot tell people’s sexualities just by looking at them, not just lesbians.”

Coworker: “Yeah, whatever. I talked to your uncle while you were getting your stuff from the back yesterday and he agreed with me. Straight people just have good gaydar, I guess. Even your own family agrees with me and—” *he stops since I burst out laughing* “What? What is so funny?”

Me: “You just disproved yourself!”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “You just said my uncle’s straight, right?”

Coworker: “Wait—”

Me: “You told my uncle, who is gay by the way, that you can tell people are gay just by looking at them. You said all this without realising my uncle was gay!”

Coworker: “But he looked straight!”

Me: “Is your definition of gay wearing sequins and having a feminine voice? Gay people come in all different shapes, races, and voices. I think I won this argument.”

Coworker: “Wow… Does your uncle hate me now?”

Me: “He probably thinks you’re a little homophobic.”

Coworker: “I don’t think anyone has ever proven me wrong so successfully.”

Me: “You proved yourself wrong, buddy. I had nothing to do with it.”

(My coworker was so shocked by this that he apologised to my uncle when he next saw him and stopped complaining about people getting off for the Pride Parade. Obviously, change doesn’t happen overnight, but he has absolutely stopped making homophobic comments, and although he didn’t come to the Parade, one of my coworkers told me he asked her where he can buy a Straight Alliance pin. He promises to come to the Pride Parade this year, so we’ll see what happens.)

New Mexico, Old Problem

, , , , , | Working | January 11, 2018

(It’s the end of the 90s, and my wife has moved from a small town in New Mexico to San Antonio, TX. She calls a bank to see if she can open an account.)

Wife: “I just moved here and haven’t gotten my new license yet. Can I open an account using my New Mexico driver’s license?”

CS Agent: “Yes, as long as you have your green card or other paperwork showing you are legally permitted to live in the USA.”

Wife: “What? I’m from New Mexico… a state in the US… one state west of here.”

CS Agent: “Oh… ummm… no, you need your Texas license.”

(So, out of country, no problem; same country but different state, FORGET IT! She has also been complimented on how well she speaks English when she tells people where she’s from.)

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