Don’t Bank On It Being The Bank

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Working | March 18, 2016

(We had been getting a lot of solicitors calling, not to mention a lot of callers that would hang up as soon as we answered. I was getting very irritated about it. The phone rings:)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Bank]. May I please speak to [Husband]?”

Me: “What is it regarding?”

Caller: “Just let me speak to [Husband].”

Me: “He’s busy. Please let me know what it’s about.”

Caller: “I can only speak to [Husband].”

Me: “Sorry, not happening unless you let me know why you’re calling.”

Caller: *sighs heavily* “Fine. It’s about his mortgage.”

Me: “Um, ‘his’ mortgage is also MY mortgage. Both of our names are on the paperwork. Seems to me like you should know that if you’re actually calling from [Bank].”

Caller: “I AM calling from [Bank], and I need to talk to [Husband] NOW!”

Me: “If it’s really about the mortgage, you can talk to me.”

Caller: “No! I can only talk to [Husband]!”

Me: “Or you can say hello to Mr. Dial Tone.” *hangs up*

Not-So-Smartphone, Part 9

| PA, USA | Related | March 9, 2016

(I pull into the bank parking lot to go to the ATM. It is not a drive up machine. I am also on the phone with my mother. Neither one of us is trying to be funny.)

Me: “I just got to the bank. I always take my cell phone with me when I go up to the machine. You know, as a security thing?”

Mom: “Good idea.”

Me: “But I can’t find my phone. I’ve torn apart my purse and it’s nowhere.”

(While saying this I am looking under the car seat, in my coat pockets, etc.)

Mom: “Did you have it when you left the house?”

Me: “Yes, I know I did.”

Mom: Do you want to hang up and I’ll call it so you can find it?

Me: “I guess…” *sudden realization hits* “Wait! Think about what we both just said.”

(Long pause.)

Mom: “Oh. Never mind.”


He Was Bush-Fired

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Working | March 3, 2016

(Big bushfires are happening near our homes. The homes are 40 minutes commute by train from our office. There are 16 of us who commute into work together and as the day progresses we started to get concerned that the train line will be cut and we will be stuck in Sydney with no way to get home. Our manager commuted in with us and he starts packing up at 4 pm.)

Coworker #1: “If you’re packing up, are we able to as well?”

Manager: “Have you finished all your work?”

Coworker #1: “No, but we are all worried that we won’t be able to get home if we leave any later. Can we come in early on Monday to make up for it?”

Manager: “No, you need to stay and finish.”

(Needless to say, he left and got the last train home. The train line was cut off and 15 of us had to stay in a hotel and the company had to pay for our food, accommodation, and washing for the weekend as we had nothing with us apart from the clothes we wore to work. He was subsequently chosen to lose his job shortly after. Karma!)

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Taxing Faxing, Part 15

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Working | February 7, 2016

(I am in charge of supervising money transfer between Bank’s partners and clients. We received a request to kickback an erroneous wire our client received a few months ago, and the order took an unusual amount of time to process due to lack of information. Eventually, the colleague in charge of processing wires confirmed she executed the transaction.)

Colleague: “It’s all done, [My Name]! I sent the fax for the transactions.”

Me: “A fax? Isn’t this done usually by emails?”

Colleague: “Yes, but our protocol requests that we proceed to these transfer through faxes.”

Me: “I see… The order has already been delayed for a while. How long do you think this will take to be processed?”

Colleague: “Probably one or two days.”

(Three days pass and we still do not see any evidence of money transfer going out. Our client is eager to have this payable out of its book and ask if we could just cancel the fax transaction and issue a regular wire instead of the whole kickback procedure.)

Me: “[Colleague], please call [Counterparty] and cancel the wire you issued earlier this week. [Client] wants to make a regular wire quicker by email. I’ll be in a meeting for the next hour, but do confirm me when you have cancelled the transaction so we can proceed as quickly as possible.”

(Later, I received the following email from my colleague:)

Colleague: “All right! I sent the fax to cancel the wire!”

(I literally had to bang my head on the desk for the next minute.)


Obeys Instructions To The Letter

, | Liverpool, England, UK | Right | January 27, 2016

(I’m in the security department and from time to time we send letters out to customers if we need to check transactions are genuine.)

Me: “[Bank] Security. You’re speaking to [My Name] in Liverpool; can I take your name, please?”

Customer: “I’ve got a letter, here.”

Me: “Okay, we’ll just be wanting to check some transactions on your account, just to make sure everything is genuine.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “It’ll just be a security check. Is that what the letter says?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

(I assumed at this point that perhaps he couldn’t read so I was about to explain further when…)

Customer: “Should I open it?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “Should I open the letter?”

Me: “Uh.. well… yes.”

Customer: “Okay, that’s all I wanted to know. Thanks, bye!”

(I feel bad, because I didn’t tell him to read it after opening it, and didn’t visit his address and personally type in our phone number for him, either.)

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