Being Buried In Your Mortgage

, , , | Right | April 23, 2011

(I specialize in modifying loans to make an existing payment more manageable. These are called ‘loan modifications’.)

Customer: “I’m calling for a ‘remortification’.”

Me: *joking* “Okay, so you were previously mortified?”

Customer: “Yes, once before. My payments are too high now. I need to be mortified again.”

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Ink Isn’t The Only Thing Running Low

, , | Right | March 16, 2011

Customer: “Whenever I try to print my statement from your website, it always comes out really light. I don’t have this problem with other websites. Are you guys out of ink?”

Me: “No. Are you using your home computer?”

Customer: “Yes. I already called the ink cartridge company. They said it’s not their fault.”

Me: “Well, if you’re trying to print at home, it’s a problem with your home computer. Our printers are working just fine.”

Customer: “So, you’re not out of ink?”

Me: “No. Maybe you should have someone look at your computer’s settings.”

Customer: “Should I call the ink cartridge company again?”

Me: “I don’t think that will fix it.”

Customer: “Okay. I’ll call the ink cartridge company again. Thanks! Bye!”

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Banking Error

, , , , | Right | March 3, 2011

Me: “Here’s your new bank card. You will be able to change your PIN number at the ATM.”

Customer: “PIN number is a redundant phrase. It’s like ‘personal identification number’, number. You work in a bank. You ought to know that by now.”

Me: “You’re right, sir.”

Customer: *smirks* “I’m always right. So, where’s the ATM machine?”

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Her Banking Days Are Numbered

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2011

Caller: “Why does the automated system say it can’t find my card?! I’ve been complaining about this for months now, and I’m really disappointed it isn’t fixed!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. Let me see what I can find. Can I have your card number, please?”

(The caller reads off twelve numbers.)

Me: “And the last four?”

Caller: “Oh! You need all sixteen? Do you suppose that’s why it couldn’t find my account?”

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This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 9

, , , , | Right | February 23, 2011

(I’m setting a customer up for a pre-authorized payment so her checking account pays her credit card automatically on the due date. I’m going over all the details.)

Me: “If there aren’t sufficient funds in the bank account at the time of payment, an NSF fee will be charged.”

Customer: “What?! You mean I have to have money in my bank account?”

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