After an hour on the phone with someone trying to help them access their credit card’s account online, I have to send them a password reset. They’re a little older, so I use simple language when helping them navigate windows and pop-ups.

Me: “You can leave the credit card page open by clicking the long flat line button next to the red X in the top right corner. That should put that screen down, and go check your email with the webpage still at the bottom of the page.”

The phone goes quiet for a moment, and I hear some shuffling.

Caller: “Okay! I’ve put it down, but now I can’t see my email.”

Me: “Well, what do you see?”

Caller: “Uh, my wall?”

He had laid the monitor FLAT on the desk.

A man calls in with a strange request about his banking card that I’m not sure I can share because of an NDA. Essentially it came down to him having to tell us where he is:

Caller: “Why do I have to do that?!”

Me: “I’m afraid we need that information in order to fulfill your request.”

Caller: “Can’t you just locate me via the chip in my card?”

It has been a long call and I am running out of ways to make him understand our policies, so I end up saying:

Me: “No, because the satellite isn’t linking properly. You’ll have to tell me yourself.”

Yes, he bought it!

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “I’ve been robbed!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you please give me the details?”

Caller: “I went to the bank and their ATMs aren’t working! They’re withholding my money! My money!”

Me: “So, no one has taken any money away from you?”

Caller: “My money is in that bank, and they’re not giving it to me!”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not an emergency for 911. Please take it up with the bank.”

Caller: “It is an emergency! They don’t open until 8:30, and I need that cash now!”

Me: “Ma’am, the only reason you would call 911 about your bank is if it was being robbed. You are not being robbed, and if you call again, you could be charged with taking up an emergency line for a non-emergency.”

Caller: “So, you’re saying that you’ll only come out to the bank is if it’s being robbed? Fine, I’ll call you back!” *Click*

Thankfully, we didn’t get any reports of a bank being robbed that morning.

Customer: “Your ATM is out of money.”

Me: “Yes, we are aware, sir. Because of the storm over the weekend, there was a larger number of withdrawals than usual, and also because of the storm, we haven’t been able to replenish the stock of cash for the machines.”

Customer: “Oh… doesn’t the money come in like, those tubes?”

Me: “Tubes?”

Customer: “Yeah, I saw it on YouTube. You have these vacuum tubes where you send money through.”

Me: “I know of some older buildings that might still use those, but even if we did, we wouldn’t be able to use them to get money.”

Customer: “Oh. I just thought all banks were sent money through the tubes.”

Me: “Sir, US money is printed in either Washington D.C. or Texas.”

Customer: *Angry now, but trying to make a point* “Well… really long tubes!” *Storms off*

A couple walks up to my teller station in the bank. The wife looks like she’s ready for a fight.

Wife: “We want to turn my husband’s account into a joint account! I was told that was impossible!”

Me: “Yes, we can set that up as a joint account.”

Wife: “Oh! We were told that wasn’t possible! Do that, then!”

I notice the husband has stepped away, almost to the exit.

Me: “Well, I actually can’t do that from this teller station unless you’re both here and your husband authorizes it since he’s the original account holder, but you can also do it online or through our phone service.”

Wife: “What do you mean, you can’t do it?!”

Me: “Well, we can’t personally do that in the branch if it’s just you, ma’am, but there’s nothing stopping your husband…”

I trail off as I see the wife looking around and realizing her husband has wandered off. She runs to the exit and drags him back.

Wife: “He’s here! Add me to the account!”

The husband is sliding his hand across his neck, which as far as I am aware is universal gesture to stop saying what I am about to say.

Me: “I would just need your husband to…”

His hand-sliding gets more vigorous.

Me: “…to confirm some security details to turn it into a joint account, ma’am.”

The husband drops his shoulders and looks defeated as his wife turns to him.

Wife: “You told me that they said it was impossible!”

Husband: *Glaring at me* “They did! It must have been an idiot on the phone.”

I go through the process and set up the wife as a joint account holder. We finish up, and they walk out, but then the husband runs back to me, out of earshot of his wife.

Husband: “Thanks for nothing! Now I’m gonna have to unsubscribe from all my p*rn! Guys are supposed to have other guys’ backs!” *Storms off*

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Let Us Teach You About Incognito Mode, George!