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Treat Customer Service The Way You Want To Be Treated

, , , , , , | Right | January 1, 2018

(As the head host of a very expensive steak house, I have had my share of celebrity run-ins. All of them have been nice, except for one. We have a baseball player who is well known in my city and is very fond of my restaurant. He usually comes in with his whole family, about twelve or thirteen people. He always demands a private room, which we normally charge for; he gets it free, and his family always destroys the room. Every time. I am talking food ground into the carpet and everything. Just a wreck. They will run up a $900 check, and then tip the server ten bucks. Servers DREAD him coming in. One Friday night around 10:45, I get a phone call:)

Agent: “Hi, this is [Baseball Player]’s agent. Have you heard of him?”

(For some reason, the agent ALWAYS says this when he calls.)

Agent: “Well, he would like a table after the game.”

Me: “Uh, it’s 10:45 and we close at 11. I am able to see the TV in the lounge, and he is on it right now at the stadium, so there is no way he can make it in time.”

Agent: “Oh, I don’t think you understand; this is for [Baseball Player].”

Me: “I don’t think you understood me; we close at 11, he can’t get here in time, and the answer is no. Have a nice day.” *hangs up*

(I am really irritated as it has been a long night. I watch out for my servers and I KNOW there would be a revolt if I allowed it. Five minutes later, I get another call.)

Liaison: “Hi, this is [Liaison] with the [Baseball Team]. I am a public liaison, and I am calling—”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. His agent called. I said, ‘no.'”

Liaison: “Oh, I am sorry; I didn’t know someone asked.”

Me: “Oh, yes, you did; that’s why you are now calling. No means no. Have a nice night.”

(I am really steaming by that point. But as I am quick to get ticked, I cool off just as fast. I start thinking maybe I should have said yes because the owner is good friends with the team. So, I go to the general manager and tell him what happened.)

General Manager: “I am glad you said no; I would have been here all night!”

(The baseball player DID show up at 11:30 and tried to push his way past me. I held the door closed, shook my head no, and pointed at my watch. He should have treated his servers better in the past. Your past actions dictate your future treatment.)

Sounds Like A Super Messy Pile-Up

, , , , , , | Working | December 19, 2017

(A major pile-up has occurred on the interstate, and the medic has made a group call to several of the nearby hospitals. Of all the people needing medical care, there are 14 Priority-Three, meaning they need emergency services. I’m at [Hospital #3], and ambulance calls are on a loud speakerphone.)

Medic: “[Hospital #1], how many can you take?”

Hospital #1: “[Hospital #1] is on trauma bypass right now.”

(This means their ER is full, but they can squeeze people in if it’s life or death.)

Medic: “Okay. [Hospital #2], how many can you take?”

Hospital #2: “[Hospital #2] can take five.”

Medic: “[Hospital #3], how many can you take?”

Hospital #3: “[Hospital #3] can take five.”

Medic: “[Hospital #4], how many can you take?”

Hospital #4: “[Hospital #4] can take approximately half as many patients as the other hospitals.”

(Cue the puzzled looks.)

Medic: “Okay, [Hospital #4], we’ll put you down for 2.5 patients.”

(Everyone cracked up, and started debating on whether the half patient would be top, bottom, left, or right.)

Good Thing They Didn’t Weight Any Longer

, , , , , , | Working | November 28, 2017

(I am about ten years old. My family has just returned from a two-week vacation and my mom, sister, and I are picking up our dog from a boarding kennel. Though we have boarded her many times before, this is the first time using this particular facility. When the employee brings out our dog, she is noticeably thinner.)

Mom: “How come she looks so thin?”

Employee: “She ran out of food.”

(My mom left some food with her when we dropped her off, assuming it would last.)

Mom: “You didn’t feed her? Why didn’t someone call me? You could have bought more and charged it to me. This is ridiculous!”

Employee: “Ma’am, you should have left more food with her. You only gave her enough to last a week and a half.”

Mom: “She’s been without food for three days?! Look. I’m sorry. I thought I had enough, but surely someone could have called or something. There was no reason for her to starve!”

(My mom paid and left. We subsequently weighed the dog and found that she had lost three pounds; a lot for a 17-pound dog. I know my mom made a mistake, but they at least could have called or fed the dog and charged us when we picked her up. I’m not sure, but my mom may have reported them. We certainly never returned there.)

Enough To Make You Sushi (Roll) Your Eyes

, , , | Right | September 12, 2017

Me: “Good evening, [Sushi Restaurant], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, can I get a Maryland roll with no sushi?”

Me: “Well, there is nothing called ‘sushi’ in that roll. Sushi isn’t an ingredient, it’s just what the roll is. It’s a sushi roll. There’s no raw fish or fish eggs in that roll, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Caller: “No, I just don’t want any sushi.”

Me: “Do you mean no seaweed or rice in the roll?”

Caller: “No, I want the seaweed and the rice. I just don’t want sushi in my Maryland roll.”

Me: “Okay, well, I can assure you there will be no ingredient called ‘sushi’ in your roll.”

(I put the roll through as usual, and when the caller came to pick it up, they didn’t complain. I still don’t know what they were asking.)

You Can Get There Via Wardrobe

, , , , | Related | August 6, 2017

(My 20-year-old son is bragging to his younger sister and me about how he knows the geography of other countries, and isn’t a stupid American.)

Son: “And I know all the Canadian Provinces! There’s Newfoundland, Prince Caspian….”