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A Smokin’ Deal

, | Right | September 28, 2009

(A customer comes to me with a package of brownies with a “Special!” sticker on the top.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “Why are these brownies ‘special’?”

Me: “They’re the bakery’s special of the week. They’re on sale now through Saturday.”

Customer: “So, there’s nothing different about them?”

Me: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Customer: *winking* “They’re not… ‘special’ brownies?”

Me: “Oh! No, sorry, they’re just normal brownies.”

Customer: “Never mind, then.” *sets down the container and walks away*

Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

, , , | Right Romantic | August 25, 2009

Customer: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “All right, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer: “He said no!”


This story is part of our Proposals roundup!

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Chernobyl Over Ciabatta

, , | Right | June 18, 2009

(A woman comes to my coworker’s drawer and orders a loaf of ciabatta bread. My coworker rings it up and hands it to her.)

Customer: “This isn’t a loaf of ciabatta.”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, that’s our ciabatta.”

Customer: “No, this is not ciabatta! You don’t know what you’re talking about! I know a loaf of ciabatta when I see one!”

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes! I ordered a loaf of ciabatta, and this is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is a loaf of ciabatta. See, here… It says ‘Ciabatta loaf’.”

Customer: “No, this is ridiculous! This is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

(At this point, the customer is hysterical, near tears, and waving the bread wildly.)

Me: “Let me get you a manager to speak to…” *gets the manager*

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered a ciabatta loaf and these kids are trying to sell me this!

Manager: “That is our loaf of ciabatta. When is the last time you visited our store?”

Customer: “About a year ago.”

Manager: “Ah, that’s why. We changed the size of our loaf about six months ago.”

Customer: “Thank you! Now why couldn’t you tell me that?!” *points at me*

Manager: “She’s only been here for two months. She wouldn’t have known.”

Customer: “PATHETIC!” *pays for bread and storms out*

Next Customer: *shocked look* “Wow.”


This story is part of our Bread roundup!

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Sometimes They Travel In Packs

, , , | Right | June 10, 2009

(I have just arrived and am beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Hi… do you guys sell bread?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Anything you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Which is?”

Customer: “White bread.”

Me: “We have several kinds of white bread. What kind would you like?”

Customer: “Oh… whatever.”

Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Thick or thin?”

Customer: “Oh… thick.”

Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

Customer: “Oh… nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

(She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my coworker.)

Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

(He swears loudly and walks away.)

Coworker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”


This story is part of our Bread roundup!

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Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

, , , | Right | April 30, 2009

(A woman and her boyfriend walk into the store and up to the cake showcase.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a cake for my sister’s birthday. I want that one…” *points to the cake of her choice*

Me: “Would you like me to write anything on it?”

Customer: “Yeah, put ‘Happy Birthday, [Sister’s Name]’. No, wait… make that, ‘Happy Birthday, Slut’.”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Do you think you should put that on her birthday cake?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not? She a slut!”

Customer’s Boyfriend: “Yeah, you right.”

Customer: *motions to me* “Go on, write that!”

(I go into the back to write “Happy Birthday, Slut,” and bring the cake back out.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Thank you!”

Me: “… have a nice day, ma’am.”