(The bakery closes at two pm every Sunday. I am out on the patio about an hour after closing, sweeping and stacking furniture. A middle-aged customer and her elderly mother approach.)

Daughter: “Oh, hi! We’d like to get some coffee, please.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but the coffee’s all gone now. We’re closed.”

Daughter: “You are?”

Me: “Yes. I’m afraid we close at two on Sundays.”

Mother: “Oh, you bad girl!”

(The customer proceeds to hit me with her rolled up newspaper, leaving me speechless!)

(I am helping a customer place an order for two cakes.)

Me: “Okay, that’s about everything. Did you want anything written on the cakes?”

Customer: “I’m not sure.” *turns to his wife* “Honey, what should I have written on the cakes? How about ‘Pot’ on one and ‘Luck’ on the other since it’s a potluck?”

Customer’s Wife: “Are you asking if I think you should have ‘Pot’ written on a cake?”

Customer: “Good point. No, nothing written on them.”

Me: “Sounds like a good choice.”

(The owners of the bakery I work at recently retired. Our new owner is a kid fresh out of USC whose father bought the business for him to run. It is our first meeting with him.)

Owner: “I’ve been looking at the books and I think I’ve figured out the best way to improve productivity. First of all, due to the recent recession were going to have to implement some cutbacks, starting with salaries.”

(He then announces that most of the employees are getting at least a 10 percent pay cut and the head baker, a man with over 30 years of experience, is seeing his salary cut in half.)

Head Baker: “Why the h*** should we get a pay cut? Business has been improving year after year for a solid decade here and the economic downturn actually lowered our operating costs.”

Owner: “You just don’t understand economics. Now, you can either take the pay cut or find another job.”

(The head baker walked out without a word. It took exactly two days for the new owner to realize that he had fired the only man who knew all of the recipes and who dealt with over half our regular clientele. After a particularly vicious scolding by his father over the phone he was forced to hire the head baker back at nearly double his original pay.)

(It is early November.)

Customer: “Do you have any gingerbread cookies?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am. We don’t.”

Customer: “Why would you not even have gingerbread cookies?”

Me: “Sorry, but we haven’t even started making them yet this year.”

Customer: “What? Why the f*** not?”

Me: “Because here at [Shop’s Name], we like to follow the traditions and not start baking Christmas cookies until Christmas time.”

Customer: “Ah, I see! I’m glad to hear that you follow the traditions. All shops should be like you. I don’t get it why people just can’t wait these days. Everyone is just so d*** greedy!” *wanders off*

(A bakery/deli sends out an email with coupons every December. One of these is a coupon for a free platter of their specialty Christmas cookies when you use their catering services during the holidays. I overhear a customer ordering a few platters and catering for a party. I decide to give her my coupon.)

Me: “Hi there. I don’t mean to listen in, but I heard you asking about party platters. I have this coupon that gets you free cookies when you cater a party. If you’d like it; I’m certainly not going to use it.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you! Thanks so very much. This is so nice!”

Deli Worker: “WOAH! That’s not allowed!”

Customer: “Wait… What’s not allowed?”

Deli Worker: “THAT! Don’t give me that dumb look!”

(The customer and I exchange a ‘dumb look.’)

Deli Worker: “Only members get to use those coupons! She’s not a member.”

Me: “I didn’t even know you guys had a membership. I don’t belong to any group. Why is it a problem if she uses my coupon?”

Deli Worker: “Then how did you get that? COME ON! You guys don’t realize how hard it is to make these cookies! And you just want to GIVE AWAY FREE ONES?! You have no idea! Why do I even deal with this every year?”

(The deli worker swipes the sandwiches he was making for the customer off of the counter and storms into the back. After a few moments, we realize that he’s not coming back.)

Me: “Uh… Listen. I didn’t mean to mess this up. I feel awful.”

Customer: “No. It’s alright. I have a feeling I shouldn’t trust these guys with my order anyway…”