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Tree Of Life

| Romantic | July 4, 2012

(I work in a bakery. I’m serving a man in his thirties, who orders for him and his girlfriend. She’s off into the nearby supermarket to get some stuff. When she returns, she carries a bag of flower soil.)

Girlfriend: *holding the bag in front of her belly* “Darling, I’m pregnant. It’s going to be a tree.”

Boyfriend: *without missing a beat* “That’s not mine, then. I’m not a member of the photosynthesis crew.”

Girlfriend: “I’m sorry! It was cross-pollination! I couldn’t do anything about it!”

(By that time, I’m trying not to laugh too loud, but I can’t help grinning. I hand over their order.)

Girlfriend: “Hey, what’s that? Coffee?”

Boyfriend: “Yep. You want one, too? It’s on me.”

Girlfriend: “Thanks.” *addressing me* “Can I have a hot chocolate, please? I have to drink for two now, you know.”

Me: “Sure thing.”

Girlfriend: *to boyfriend* “Maybe it’s going to be a chocolate tree if I drink enough.”

Boyfriend: *to me* “Could you make that a coffee, then? I prefer coffee.”

Girlfriend: *to me* “But I don’t. Chocolate, please.”

Boyfriend: “Hey, you cheated on me with some bumblebee! Making it become my
favourite beverage tree is the least you can do!”

Well-To-Do, If A Bit Daffy

, , , , , | Right | May 30, 2012

(A well-dressed woman enters the store and hands me a note.)

Customer: “Could you get this order ready for me, please? I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

(I look at the note, but it’s blank.)

Me: “There is nothing written on this note.”

Customer: “Well, I decided to surprise myself today with my purchases.”

Me: “Okay… that’s new, but I’ll see what I can do!”

(Ten minutes later, she returns.)

Customer: “So, what did I buy today?”

Me: *hands her a bag* “Three pounds of bread crust to feed the ducks in the park. They are free of charge.”

Customer: *surprised* “Oh! I was planning to go to the hairdresser, but this is… DUCKS, YOU SAY? Well, off to the park, then! Goodbye!”

This story is part of our Bread roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

23 Funny Stories About Ice Cream Store Customers To Send A Chill Down Your Spine


Read the next story in this roundup!

Read the Bread roundup!

Weekend Roundup: Spelling Disasters

, , , | Right | May 13, 2012

Spelling Disasters! This week, we share five stories of customers with spelling so bad, they need it spelled out for them!

  1. Their Spelling Is Wrong, But They Are Sticking To It:
    E is for Elmer’s Eskimos—you know, the ones that live in Eglues!
  2. It’s Spelled I-d-i-o-t:
    Welcome to Indiamimbindokiamn, Indiana. Population: Stupid!
  3. I Have Lost A Dream:
    A lost customer does battle with an abbreviation—and loses.
  4. Congra-duh-lations:
    Congra-du-lations, your cake’s spelling is a lie!
  5. Spelling Gone Rogue:
    Somehow, “going rouge” doesn’t have the same ring to it.

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Modern Divorces Require A Hedge Fund

, , , | Romantic | May 2, 2012

(I’ve just served this man at my work and we are chatting as I add up his order.)

Me: “So, what are you up to today?”

Customer: “I have to trim the hedges again. My wife keeps driving the car into them.”

Me: “Oh… well, it’s a nice day to be out in the garden.”

Customer: “Well, I figure it’s cheaper to fix the hedge than get a divorce.”

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

Read the next Houseplant roundup story!

Read the Houseplant roundup!

Dementia In Absentia

, , | Working | April 26, 2012

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there — too much to drink some days — and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[My Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at seven am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around six pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “All right. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by seven pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)