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Modern Divorces Require A Hedge Fund

, , , | Romantic | May 2, 2012

(I’ve just served this man at my work and we are chatting as I add up his order.)

Me: “So, what are you up to today?”

Customer: “I have to trim the hedges again. My wife keeps driving the car into them.”

Me: “Oh… well, it’s a nice day to be out in the garden.”

Customer: “Well, I figure it’s cheaper to fix the hedge than get a divorce.”


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Dementia In Absentia

, , | Working | April 26, 2012

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there — too much to drink some days — and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[My Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at seven am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around six pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “All right. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by seven pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)

Wilhelmina Wonka & The Chocolate Bakery

, , , , | Right | March 28, 2012

(I am behind the bakery counter. A woman goes to the bread wall and picks up a loaf of clearly marked “Whole Wheat Italian Five-Grain” bread that happens to be covered in seeds.)

Customer: *brings loaf to me* “Is this chocolate bread?”

Me: “Um, excuse me?”

Customer: “Is this chocolate bread? It’s a dark brown color like chocolate.”

Me: “It’s ‘Whole Wheat Italian Five-Grain’ bread. It’s labeled right here.” *shows her the label*

Customer: “Okay, as long as it’s not chocolate bread. My husband is on a diet and cannot have chocolate!”


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Sweetness Is Infectious

, | Right | March 24, 2012

(Our natural foods store has a coffee bar that sells pastry items that are made in house and is usually staffed by a barista. The bakery is located directly behind the coffee bar. I am working in the bakery. I hear a strange noise behind me and turn around to find an elderly gentleman standing at the coffee bar jingling his keys to get my attention.)

Me: “Yes, sir? May I help you?”

Customer: “What is the difference between these and these?” *points at cupcakes and muffins* “Why is one more expensive than the other?”

Me: “Those are muffins and those are cupcakes. Cupcakes have more expensive ingredients and take more time to make; that’s why they cost more.”

Customer: “But what’s the difference between a muffin and cupcake?”

Me: “Cupcakes have icing and are generally sweeter.”

Customer: “Why do they all have icing on them? Don’t you know there’s a diabetes epidemic! Sugar is dangerous!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I don’t make the cupcakes; I’m one of the bread bakers. If you have questions, the pastry bakers are here in the afternoon.”

Customer: “Why is there sugar in everything!? Don’t you know that sugar is bad for you?!”

Me: “I don’t make the pastry items, sir. The pastry bakers are here in the afternoon if you’d like to call and ask questions.”

Customer: “Diabetes is everywhere! You shouldn’t put icing on everything! It’s dangerous!” *walks away*

I Also Want Your Love And Your Revenge

| Right | March 16, 2012

(Our bakery is situated in a large outlet mall which attracts a lot of tourists. Our chocolate croissants are labeled as “pain au choc.”)

Me: “Hi there! Can I get you anything?”

Customer: “Hello, can I have one choc?”

Me: “We have a few chocolate things. What’s the full name?”

Customer: “I want…your pain.”