Do Not Get Hitched, Go Directly To Jail

| | Right | August 25, 2009

Customer:: “I’d like to order a cake.”

Me: “Alright, what size cake did you want?”

(We go through the details of the cake.)

Me: “And what did you want the cake to say?”

Customer:: “Welcome home from jail. Will you marry me?”

Me: “Okay…”

(The next week, the same customer comes back in with the cake.)

Customer:: “I’d like a refund.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. What is wrong with it?”

Customer:: “He said no!”

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Chernobyl Over Ciabatta

| | Right | June 18, 2009

(Woman comes to my coworkers drawer and orders a loaf of ciabatta bread. Coworker rings it up and hands it to her.)

Customer: “This isn’t a loaf of ciabatta.”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, that’s our ciabatta.”

Customer: “No, this is NOT ciabatta! You don’t know what you’re talking about! I know a loaf of ciabatta when I see one!”

Me: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes! I ordered a loaf of ciabatta, and this is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is a loaf. See, here…it says ‘Ciabatta loaf’.”

Customer: “No, this is ridiculous! This is not a loaf of ciabatta!”

(At this point, the customer is hysterical, near tears, and waving the bread wildly.)

Me: “Let me get you a manager to speak to…” *gets the manager*

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I ordered a ciabatta loaf and these kids are trying to sell me THIS!”

Manager: “That is our loaf of ciabatta. When is the last time you visited our store?”

Customer: “About a year ago.”

Manager: “Ah, that’s why. We changed the size of our loaf about six months ago.”

Customer: “Thank you! Now why couldn’t you tell me that?!” *points at me*

Manager: “She’s only been here two months. She wouldn’t have known.”

Customer: “PATHETIC!” *pays for bread and storms out*

Next customer: *shocked look* “Wow.”

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Sometimes They Travel In Packs

| | Right | June 10, 2009

(I had just arrived and was beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approached the counter.)

Customer: “Hi…do you guys sell bread?”

Me: “Yes we do, anything you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Which is?”

Customer: “White bread.”

Me: “We have several kinds of white bread, what kind would you like?”

Customer: “Oh…whatever.”

Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Thick or thin?”

Customer: “Oh…thick.”

Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

Customer: “Oh…nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

(She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my co-worker.)

Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

(He swears loudly and walks away.)

Co-worker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

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Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

| | Right | April 30, 2009

(A woman and her boyfriend walk into the store and up to the cake showcase.)

Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a cake for my sister’s birthday. I want that one…” *points to the cake of her choice*

Me: “Would you like me to write anything on it?”

Customer: “Yeah, put ‘Happy Birthday, [sister’s name]’. No, wait… make that, ‘Happy Birthday, Slut’.”

Customer’s boyfriend: “Do you think you should put that on her birthday cake?”

Customer: “Yeah, why not? She a slut!”

Customer’s boyfriend: “Yeah, you right.”

Customer: *motions to me* “Go on, write that!”

(I go into the back to write “Happy Birthday, Slut,” and bring the cake back out.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Thank you!”

Me: “… have a nice day, ma’am.”

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Baked Goods For A Baked Customer

| | Right | April 10, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, do you sell baked chicken here?”

Me: “Sorry ma’am, this is a bakery. There is a deli a block down the road.”

Customer: “Exactly, this is a bakery. You should have the baked chicken I need.”

Me: “No, we sell baked goods here, like bread and cake. The deli is just a block away down [street].”

Customer: “You sell BAKED goods at the BAKERY and I want BAKED chicken.”

Me: *tries something different* “Umm… we’re sold out.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, I guess I’ll go to the deli down the road then.”

Me: “…”

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