Seeing Red About Santa

, , , | Right | December 18, 2017

(In the lead-up to Christmas, we have several Christmas themed cookies including a Santa and a tree.)

Customer: *points* “I want that red one!”

Me: “Oh, the Santa? Sure.”

Customer: “I call it the red one because I don’t celebrate Christmas, so I won’t say Santa.”

Me: “Uh, OK. That’ll be [price].”

Customer: “I just like the look of the red one. I won’t be calling it the Santa one because not everyone celebrates Christmas, you know.“

Me: “Well, here’s your red cookie. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

Customer: “Thanks. Maybe next year you can just call it the red one instead of Santa.”

(She leaves.)

Coworker: “For someone who doesn’t say Santa, she sure said it enough.”

Beguiling Bagels

, , , | Right | December 13, 2017

(I’m standing in line at a popular bakery behind this customer. Their bagels are very good, and only $2 each.)

Customer: “I would like six or seven bagels.”

Worker: “Sorry, was that six or seven?”

Customer: “Yes. Six or seven bagels.”

Worker: *puts seven in a bag and hands them to the customer* “That will be $14, please.”

Customer: “What?”

Worker: “$14 please, sir.”

Customer: “I wanted six bagels. Why is it $14?!”

Worker: “Oh! I’m sorry. I’ll put one back.” *she holds out her hand for the bag*

Customer: “No! No! What are you not understanding?! I wanted seven bagels! But I only want to pay for six!”

They Act Like They’re Baked

, , , , , , , | Working | November 30, 2017

(My BFF and I run a small bakery. We are very sarcastic with each other and our employees:)

BFF: *texting* “Not coming in today.”

Me: “Really? You are only four hours late. I didn’t even miss you.”

BFF: “Slow?”

Me: “Turtle, slug, slime creeping; what is slower?”

BFF: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Watching Deadwood, cleaning the office, surfing porn (not really).”

BFF: “Go home. Girls can handle the front.”

Me: “No! Then I would have to watch TMNT, clean the kitchen, and surf Pinterest. Work is way better!”

A Baker’s Dozen Reasons For Going Out Of Business

, , , , , , | Working | November 21, 2017

(I drop in at a bakery with some friends.)

Us: “Hi, we’d like a dozen cookies.”

Cashier: “Orders of 12 or more have to wait 20 minutes for new cookies to bake.”

Us: “Well, how about 11?”

Cashier: “Still have to wait.”

Us: “10, 9?”

Cashier: “…”

(So, we waited, but the joke’s on the bakery, because none of us will be back. Turns out the cookies from across the street were better, anyway. What kind of bakery has a wait for a dozen cookies, bagels, cupcakes, etc?)

Recipe’s Frozen In Place

, , , , , , , | Working | November 14, 2017

(I work with my sister at a vegan bakery. It’s her first job. It is January, so typically cold. I show up the first day before sunrise and it is freezing inside — literally. The building is separate from the main restaurant.)

Me: “Why is it so cold?”

Sister: “Oh, the owner doesn’t have heat installed in here. Don’t worry; it kind of warms up after a few hours when we turn the oven on.”

(Later, I start to mix a recipe with a spoon.)

Sister: “Oh, no, if the owner comes back here and sees that, we get in trouble. We have to use our bare hands.”

Me: “Seriously? Bare hands? And it’s all freezing?”

Sister: “Yeah, otherwise we get yelled at and she starts coming back here a lot more to check.”

(Another day the owner came back and hurriedly LOCKED US IN. There were bars on the window; we literally couldn’t get out if there was a fire. She did this for several days because, as we found out later, the health inspector was around and she didn’t want him to know that building was in use. It’s really hard to find a baking job, so my little sister begged me not to say anything. I got my revenge quite unintentionally. On one of my last few days, it was so cold I wore my longest coat. I got so many glares from the owner and the staff in the actual kitchen, all family members, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then I realized: they are all Hindu. My coat? A calf-length white LEATHER trench coat. Oops. Shortly after I moved on, my sister gave up as well. She made new recipes for things like their tea cookies, following all vegan guidelines, but they were rejected because, “They didn’t taste vegan,” “They weren’t hard enough,” and, “No one would believe they were vegan.” After she left, someone sued because the cookies were so hard they broke a tooth.)

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