The Worst Cookies In London

| Nashville, TN, USA | Food & Drink, Holidays

(It’s the Sunday before Halloween. As our store hours are shorter on Sundays, the store owners have allowed all the employees to dress up in costume and play PG movies on the television in the dining area. My best friend and I are dressed up as Sarah Williams and Jareth the Goblin King from the 1986 film Labyrinth. About twenty minutes into the film, I’m approached by a customer and her friend. She glances at the movie, sizes up my Jareth costume, and immediately breaks out into song:)

Customer: “You remind me of the babe!”

Me: *elated* “What babe?”

Customer: “The babe with the power!”

Me: “What power?”

Customer: “The power of Voodoo!”

Me: “Who do?”

Customer: “You do!”

Me: “Do what?”

Customer: “Remind me of the babe!”

Me: *laughing* “That just made my day! You’re definitely my favorite customer! Would you like a free cookie?”

Customer: *still smiling* “Chocolate chip, please!”

Customer’s Friend: “I don’t get it…”

Coworker: “It’s from the movie we have playing.” *she gestures at the TV*

Customer’s Friend: *pointing at our coworker in the back, who works in production* “Is she from the movie, too…?”

Me: “No, she’s dressed up as Mrs. Lovette from ‘Sweeney Todd’.”

Customer: *chuckles* “I hope she didn’t bake my cookie…”

Customer’s Friend: *still confused* “Who…?”

Me: “She… bakes people into pies.”

Customer’s Friend: *horrified* “And you’re letting her work in the BACK?!”

A Soup Recoup

| NY, USA | Food & Drink

(We used to serve 12 and 16 ounce soups. We switched over to just 16 ounce soups. Due to a mix up with inventory we had two different bowls, both exactly 16 ounces. One happened to be wide and short and the other narrow and tall.)

Customer: “May I have a 12 ounce soup, please.”

Me: “We now only have 16 ounce soups, is that okay?”

Customer: “Sure.”

(I go ahead and grab a bowl that Is closest to me, fill it up, and bring it over to the tray for the lady.)

Customer: “Can I have the other bowl? It holds more soup.”

Me: “Both our bowls are exactly 16 ounces; the other bowl is just shaped differently.”

Customer: “No, I always have leftover from the other bowl because it’s bigger. This one is smaller and I get less soup.”

(I go over and fill the other bowl with tap water to the top and pour it into the bowl I used for her soup in front of her; the water is filled exactly to the top, no more or less than the other bowl.)

Me: “They’re both 16 ounces. We have two cups right now because of an inventory issue.”

Customer: “But I would rather have the other bowl. It holds more because I always have left over and it’s bigger.”

(I went over and poured her soup into the other bowl, put a lid on it, and put it back on her tray for her. She paid and walked off happily.)

Making A Mug Out Of You

, | Southlake, TX, USA | Food & Drink

(I work at a bakery and cafe that uses regular words (small, med, large) for coffee sizes, but having worked for the Siren in the past, I know their language, too.)

Customer: “…and a tall coffee.”

Me: *repeating back order* “…and one small coffee.”

Customer: “NO. I said TALL. T-A-L-L. I don’t know what words you guys use here, but I need a tall.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, I used to work at [Competitor] so I know that tall is small for them. We make it easy and just use small, medium, and large.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever, a regular then.”

Me: “Okay, so one medium coffee?”

Customer: “YES.”

(We finish the transaction, which ends with me giving her a medium paper cup for the self-serve coffee. Afterwards, I step away from the register for a moment to help run food and bus tables. I return to the register to see the same customer walking up.)

Customer: “I need a cup.”

Me: “Oh, sorry, did I forget to give you one?”

Customer: *holding up the cup I gave her* “No, I need a CUP. C-U-P.”

Me: “Do you need a second one, to double-cup it?”

Customer: “NO, I spent so long telling you what size I wanted that I forgot to tell you that I want a CUP.”

Me: “Oh, do you want a ceramic mug? Let me go get you one!”

(The real kicker is, we only have one size mug so we could have avoided all this if she started with that!)

Better Get Bready For This Customer

| FL, USA | Crazy Requests

(I’ve been working in a grocery store bakery for about half a year. A customer has been coming here for years, multiple times a week, and is always rude, condescending, nasty, and never satisfied no matter what you do for her. She frequently demands things that are impossible, like chicken that takes twenty minutes to cook being done for her in five because she “knows how things work,” and is just generally a nuisance to everyone. I usually wind up dealing with her. Everyone else hates her, and while I do as well, I’m much better at not showing it. I’m in the back of the department when a coworker comes back asking for me. When I go up front to see what’s going on, I see the customer we hate standing there. She throws up her hands in exaggeration when she sees me.)

Customer: “Oooh, now, HOW did I know it was going to be YOU coming out of there?”

Me: *cheerful* “I’m here all the time! They can’t get rid of me. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *sticks loaf of unpopular but expensive glazed dessert in my face* “Honey, I am going across the street to my appointments for a few hours, and I want you to hold on to this for me! It’s my daughter’s birthday today, and if I don’t get this for her, it’s going to break her heart!”

(She always claims it’s her “daughter’s birthday,” and at this point, I have no idea if she’s just lying for the heck of it, or has some other issue, but I don’t care.)

Me: “Well, I’m off shift in about ten minutes, but we will put this back here behind the counter for you with your name on it, and all you have to do when you come back is ask and they’ll give it to you.”

Customer: *exaggerated gape* “Honey, what do you mean you’re just going to LEAVE it there? They’re going to give it to someone else; I know how places like this work!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have many loaves of this left on the shelf, so nobody will try to take yours, and it will be safe right here for you personally when you come back, promise!”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Come on now, sweetie, you have to take care of your customers!”

Me: “Well, as I said, ma’am, I am off shift very shortly, and I promise you it will be right here waiting for you. Everyone knows who you are.”

Customer: *staring at me with her jaw still literally dropped as if I’ve just started barking at her* “So you’re NOT going to stay to take care of a customer’s order?”

Me: *still smiling* “We have you covered, ma’am.”

Coworker: “Um, it’s no problem, ma’am, I’m here until the store closes. I’ll make sure we have it for you!”

(The customer didn’t respond, but instead snatched her cart and loudly clattered it around to storm off, banging into shelves. I watched her go up to the front desk and start gesturing angrily, jabbing her hand back in my direction. I later found out she claimed I was “refusing her service”… by not staying several hours past my shift end to guard her item, I guess. This was something she’d done before, and she never ever came back for the items she made us hold for her. Fortunately, management all knew she was full of it… She always had several unreasonable complaints a week! And people wondered why I was so happy when I had my last shift there last month.)

Getting Your Wedding Just Desserts

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Popular

(The phone rings.)

Me: “[Bakery], may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, how many pieces are in [expensive item]?”

Me: “[Amount] for a full case.”

Customer: “How many flavors?”

Me: “[Amount] of flavors.”

Customer: “And how much is a full case?”

Me: “A full case is [case amount].”

Customer: “Perfect! Can you ship me four sample cases?”

Me: “Four full cases of [expensive item]?”

Customer: “Yes, please!”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “But I want them for my wedding!”

Me: “And I do appreciate that. You may purchase four cases at [price per case plus shipping].”

Customer: “But shipping is free, right?”

Me: “No. Based on your address your shipping would be approximately [amount].”

Customer: “WHAT?! That’s outrageous! I’ll only buy them if you offer free shipping for that price!”

Me: “I’m sorry; we do not offer free shipping. All of our items ship frozen. We need to ship via freezer truck or in the case of small orders such as yours, package them with dry ice and overnight them with FedEx. We cannot offer free shipping.”

Customer: “But it’s for my WEDDING!”

Me: “I understand that, but we cannot meet your request.”

Customer: “I really want these!”

Me: “I’m very happy to hear that; however, they are [amount] per case plus shipping.”

Customer: “Fine! I guess I won’t have them! At my WEDDING!” *practically screams into the phone*

Me: “Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.”  *click*

Office Manager: “Someone trying to get free wedding desserts?”

Me: “Yes.”

Office Manager: “So, how many does that make this week?”

Me: “Seven…”

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