I’m visiting family in a small town and I stop by a local bakery.

Employee #1: “Oh, hey. You’re [Dad]’s kid, right?”

Me: “Hey, yeah, I’m [My Name].”

Employee #1: “Great, great… So, you’re the biologist, right? Mind helping us settle a little dispute?”

I’m expecting a question about vaccines or masks, and I’m about to start explaining that I can’t help when the second employee whips out her phone. She opens a picture but doesn’t show it to me yet.

Employee #2: “So, I was hiking recently, and I got this picture. Now, I don’t want to bias you in any way, so I’m not gonna say what the argument is just yet, but can you tell us — exactly and scientifically — what kind of animal is… this?“

She flips around her phone, showing a very clear picture of a bear.

Me: “I’m the wrong kind of biologist for that, but… I’ve got a friend who does wildlife bio. Let me send him a picture and we can get an expert opinion.”

Me: *Texting* “Hey, [Friend], can you tell what kind of bear this is?”

Friend: “Hmm. Black bear, Ursus americanus, but I can’t tell the subspecies. Let me ask [Professor].”

Me: *To the employees* “Okay, he’s going to bring this to an expert.”

Employee #1: “If you can give us a definitive answer, then you get a slice of pie on the house.”

We chat for a bit, but they refuse to tell me any more about the picture until a final judgment is made.

Friend: “Okay, I have your answer. It’s a good picture, but it’s hard to tell from this angle. However, I showed it to [Three Professors and Two PhD Students] and we compared photos online. Almost certainly Ursus americanus, the Eastern black bear. [Professor] thinks it’s male, but we can’t determine for sure. That’s all assuming this was taken locally. If it’s not in Maine, let me know.”

Me: “Okay, we’ve got an opinion from the experts. But first, do you know where the picture was taken?”

Employee #2: “Yeah, about twenty miles due north from here. I can point it on a map if that helps.”

Me: “No, they just wanted to confirm it was in Maine. I give you… Ursus americanus, the Eastern black bear.”

Employee #2: “Knew it! So, what kind of pie would you like?”

Me: “Pumpkin, please. [Employee #1], what did you think it was?”

He folds his arms and doesn’t answer.

Employee #2: “And here’s one slice of pumpkin pie for knowing the difference between a bear and a Chow Chow.”

I’m a cake decorator. An older customer had ordered a half-sheet cake with a filling and decorations and has come to collect it.

Me: “That will be $40.”

Customer: *Upset.* “I swore I ordered a quarter sheet.”

She hadn’t, but…

Me: “I can remake the smaller cake with a last-minute fee.”

She agrees and leaves. I make her cake and her new cake is $37 with the fees for filling, decoration, and the late fee. She comes back and I give her the price.

Customer: *Screaming.* “I’m paying $25 for the cake because that’s what I paid two months ago for [different cake]!”

She wouldn’t stop throwing a hissy fit stomping her foot, screaming, and almost crying like a toddler until the store manager gives in.

Manager: “Okay, I will give you the cake for $25.”

The customer gets a smug look of satisfaction.

Manager: “But you’re also banned from the store.”

The smug look disappeared.

My mom and I are next in line to order bagel sandwiches at a popular bagel shop for lunch. A lady walks in with a bag from the shop and goes straight to the counter.

Customer: “I have a complaint.”

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “You guys messed up on our order from this morning.”

Manager: “I’m sorry about that. Do you mind letting me know what was wrong?”

Customer: “You put the lox on the wrong bagels and gave us bagels we didn’t even order.”

Manager: “I’m really sorry. It looks like you brought the food back. We can remake it for you.”

Customer: “The one thing in here is a bagel we didn’t order that no one wanted. We ate everything else, and I didn’t have time to come back. I don’t want the food remade.”

Manager: “I can offer you a refund for the bagels we messed up on.”

Customer: “What about the ones you gave us that we didn’t order?”

Manager: “Consider them on the house.”

Customer: “So you won’t give me a refund for those?”

Manager: “Well, since you did eat them and didn’t pay for those ones, no.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous. You messed up on our order and won’t do anything about it?”

Manager: “We can remake the bagels we messed up on or we can give you a refund for those ones.”

Customer: “Forget it. You gave us bagels that we didn’t even ask for and now you’re not going to do anything about it.”

She storms out of the shop.

Me: “Did she really just complain about free food?”

Related:
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 12
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 11
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 10
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 9
Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn, Part 8

A customer has bought a chocolate cupcake and eaten half of it.

Customer: “Can I return this?”

She holds up her half-eaten chocolate cupcake.

Me: “Do you not like it?”

Customer: “No, I just want to exchange it for half of a vanilla cupcake. Y’know, something less decadent.”

Like most bakeries, we did not sell cupcakes “by the half.” She became offended when I asked if she wanted to purchase a vanilla cupcake.

I am a customer at a local bagel shop. I always get the same thing, but there’s a kid, probably sixteen or seventeen, behind the counter, who I haven’t seen before.

I tell him my order and watch him write it down, but he mishears me and writes “papers.” His coworker, who I have seen several times, has to correct him.

He had never heard of capers, but sure, it made sense to put papers on a bagel.