Courting Their Own Court Date

| MO, USA | Working | February 19, 2014

(While on break, I see I’ve missed a call and have a voicemail. The message is from a man, who threatens to come to my house and haul me to jail for missing several past court dates. He informs me I have 24 hours to turn myself in or face additional charges. He does not identify me by name or state my address, but I am nonetheless freaked out. I immediately dial the number he left.)

Employee: “Hello, this is [Bonds Company]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Someone who works for you just left me a message threatening to arrest me! Why are you calling me?”

Employee: “What is your case number?”

Me: “I don’t have a case number, but he left this one.” *gives case number* “What’s going on?”

Employee: “Are you [Man’s Name]?”

Me: “No.”

Employee: “Do you know [Man’s Name]”

Me: “No.”

Employee: “Are you related to [Man’s Name]?”

Me: “How can I be related to him if I don’t know him?! I don’t know who the h*** this guy is.”

Employee: “Then why did you call?”

Me: “As I said, someone on your end called my phone and left a threatening message to drag me to jail for missing court dates. He didn’t ask for a name, let alone [Man’s Name], nor state my address, but it obviously worried me. I called to figure out what the h*** is going on.”

Employee: “Well, do you live at [address in Virginia]?”

Me: “No, I’m in Missouri.”

Employee: “Well, this is the number we have on file for him.”

Me: “I’ve had this number for the past two years. I’m living in Missouri. I have never heard of [Man’s Name] and as far as I know, I’m not being accused of anything. Now, your employee threatened me and scared me, so take my phone number off right now.”

Employee: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t do that. Not until [Man’s Name] comes in to fulfill his court dates.”

Me: “Fine. How’s about I charge you for threatening and duress? I still have the message saved.”

Employee: “… I’ll just take you off then.”

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The Good Excuses Have All Dried Up

| | Right | April 7, 2009

(This phone call happened a month after hurricane Ike came through, and one of our clients missed his court date.)

Me: “Sir, why did you miss your court date?”

Client: “I’m not going back to jail! I missed court because I’m not back from the evaporation yet.”

Me: “Uh…what?”

Client: “I had to evaporate up north.”

Me: “…really? Evaporate? How did you do that? Was it painful?”

Client: “No! We rode a bus! What don’t you understand about having to evaporate?! I’m not going back to jail!”

Me: *sigh*

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