My husband and I have a destination wedding in the Bahamas. My mother-in-law is notoriously cheap and will only fly down for two nights. She arrives the day before the wedding and leaves the day after. 

On our wedding day, there’s no formal reception. Just about ten of us were sitting outside all afternoon, drinking and enjoying ourselves.

Fast forward to that night.

My husband and I finally get to our suite around 9 PM, excited to enjoy our wedding night together. Alone.

At 10 PM, the room phone rings.

It’s my mother-in-law.

Mother-In-Law: “You need to come down to the lobby and watch the fire-eating show with me! I’m leaving tomorrow, and it’s very selfish of you not to spend time with me tonight.”

My husband tries to be diplomatic.

Husband: “Mom, it’s our wedding night.”

Mother-In-Law: “And?”

Husband: “I want to spend it with my wife.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, give me a break. It’s not like tonight is extra special; we all know she’s no virgin.”

We end up going down and hanging out with her for about an hour. I know, I know. We shouldn’t have. But oh well. 

But it does give me an opportunity to take a seat a few feet away from her, look her straight in the eye, and say:

Me: “Don’t get too close. Wouldn’t want the massive black hole that is my well-used vagina to suck you into another dimension.”

Really sets the tone for the rest of our relationship.

My husband and my two girls (four and seven), and I are on vacation. This means we can take the time to enjoy the night sky away from our usually light-polluted skies at home.

Me: “And look, girls! Remember what that moon is called?”

Seven-Year-Old: “Gibbous!”

Me: “That’s right! And at the end of the trip, it should be a…”

Four-Year-Old: “Half?”

Me: “That’s right!”

Four-Year-Old: “How do they know which moons to put out every night?”

I laugh, and am about to provide the scientific answer, but my seven-year-old beats me to it, and has a better answer:

Seven-Year-Old: “They store them in order, but if they get them mixed up, they just check which one they used the day before and use the next one, dummy!”

It hurt me to have to undo that explanation with boring science.

I work as a whale-watching guide. I am explaining some of the whales we might see.

Me: “Sperm whales are found year-round in our waters. They can get very large so if we encounter any, we will keep our distance to respect both them and our safety.”

Tourist: “Do the sperm whales ever swim under the island and come up and attack people on land?”

Me: “Uh… can you clarify what you mean?”

Tourist: “Do the sperm whales like, swim under the island and then, like, punch up and make holes in the land to attack people?”

Me: *Trying to be diplomatic.* “No. They don’t do that.”

Tourist: “Is it because they’re kinda stupid?”

Me: “Actually, some sperm whales are smarter than tourists.”

Tourist: “Really? That’s kinda cool.”

I’m taking some tourists, mostly Americans, on a boat tour around some scenic tropical spots around the area.

Me: “Okay, so this is where you can find some great snorkelling. I’d advise you not to go too far from the boat, but if some of you are a bit more adventurous, there’s a grotto right there—” *Points* “—where you can swim into. It’s named Thunderball Grotto because they filmed a James Bond movie there.”

Tourist: “How far away is that?”

Me: “It’s about thirty meters.”

Tourist: “…How far away is that?”

He’s not even looking.

Tourist’s Son: “It’s about six or seven John Deere tractors.”

Tourist: “Ah, good. I can swim that.”

They get out and swim towards the grotto, having proven once again that Americans will measure anything using literally anything except the metric system.

My brother learned about non-alcoholic drinks as a kid — virgin daiquiris and the like. While on a family vacation at age thirteen, he point-blank asks a waiter at our resort:

Brother: “What kind of virgins do you have here?”

The waiter looks at him, and then at us, and we can tell he’s furiously thinking of a way to be diplomatic.

Me: “He means virgin cocktails. He’s not looking to make sacrifices.”