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Literary Emergency

, , , , , , | Right | March 3, 2009

(During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

Me: “My answer won’t change.”

Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

Me: “I’m Jewish.”

Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

Me: “If he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”


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Even Owners Have A Stupid Quota, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 26, 2009

(One night while working a busy dinner shift, an elderly couple shows up in my section, at a table that just left. I assumed that the hostesses were just busy and sat them immediately.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. What can I get you to drink?”

Them: “We’ve been sitting here for ten minutes? What took you so long?”

(I knew that I had cleared the table not more than five minutes ago.)

Me: I’m terribly sorry; we’re awful busy. Now, what can I get you tonight?”

(They order coffee and water, with extra cream. I get their coffee as fast as possible but have to make a second trip for the creamer. Before I can let them know I’ll be right back…)

Them: “That took forever! What’s wrong with you? It’s never taken this long before. Where’s our creamer?!”

(I calm them down enough to get away from the table and get the creamer. I am gone less than thirty seconds.)

Them: “This is the worst service I’ve ever had! I can’t believe they would hire you! This isn’t enough creamer!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, but I am trying my best to satisfy your dining needs. If you don’t feel that my service is adequate, please feel free to request another waiter.”

(I walk away to take care of my other tables. Shortly thereafter, the owner calls me over.)

Owner: “What did you say to those people?”

Me: *repeat the story to him*

Owner: “Okay, who sat them?”

Me: “I don’t know. They just showed up. I thought a hostess did.”

Owner: *to hostess* “Who sat that couple?”

Hostess: “They sat themselves.”

Owner: *to customers* “You sat yourselves while we have a 20 minute wait?”

Customers: “Well, there was an empty table!”

Owner: “Get the f*** out of my restaurant!”


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Ben’s OK, Jerry’s Gone Nuts

, , | Right | February 18, 2009

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like your biggest cup of pecan ice cream.”

(I serve it up and continue with the rest of the customers. About fifteen minutes later, the same guy shows up.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong with this ice cream. It’s more nuts than it is anything else!”

(I look down and see there’s only two bites of ice cream left.)

Me: “I’m sorry – I’d be happy to give you another flavor if you’d like.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Do you make the ice cream yourself?”

Me: “We do make it right here every day.”

Customer: “No, I mean do YOU make it?”

Me: “No, we have people in charge of making the ice cream.”

Customer: “You should really try the ice cream before you give it out to people, to warn them.”

Me: “…so what ice cream would you like instead?”

Customer: “I’ll take the peanut butter one.”

Me: “I’ve tried that one and it’s made with real peanuts. You might encounter the same problem.”

Customer: “Did I ask you for your opinion on it?”

Me: “…”


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Jason Voorhees Finds Work

, , , | Right | February 17, 2009

Customer: “You’re scary.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’re scary. Your face is scary.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t change how my face looks.”

Customer: “You need to. You work in a store. You need to be less scary. Change your face.”

Me: “…again, I’m sorry my face scares you. Have a good day.”

Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 13, 2009

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*