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Ben’s OK, Jerry’s Gone Nuts

, , | Right | February 18, 2009

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I would like your biggest cup of pecan ice cream.”

(I serve it up and continue with the rest of the customers. About fifteen minutes later, the same guy shows up.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong with this ice cream. It’s more nuts than it is anything else!”

(I look down and see there’s only two bites of ice cream left.)

Me: “I’m sorry – I’d be happy to give you another flavor if you’d like.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Do you make the ice cream yourself?”

Me: “We do make it right here every day.”

Customer: “No, I mean do YOU make it?”

Me: “No, we have people in charge of making the ice cream.”

Customer: “You should really try the ice cream before you give it out to people, to warn them.”

Me: “…so what ice cream would you like instead?”

Customer: “I’ll take the peanut butter one.”

Me: “I’ve tried that one and it’s made with real peanuts. You might encounter the same problem.”

Customer: “Did I ask you for your opinion on it?”

Me: “…”


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Jason Voorhees Finds Work

, , , | Right | February 17, 2009

Customer: “You’re scary.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’re scary. Your face is scary.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t change how my face looks.”

Customer: “You need to. You work in a store. You need to be less scary. Change your face.”

Me: “…again, I’m sorry my face scares you. Have a good day.”

Marital Bliss In All Its Forms, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 13, 2009

(A husband and wife couple have me on speakerphone so that they can get help troubleshooting. I’m typing up some notes while their PC reboots, which they can apparently hear…)

Customer: “Wow, that sounds like a machine gun. ‘That your typing, sweetheart?”

Me: *laughs* “Yeah, it is… I can type pretty fast.”

Customer: “You married at all?”

Me: “Nope, not yet. Why do you ask?”

Customer: “Doesn’t surprise me love, with fingers that fast you don’t need a man!”

Me: *mouth agape*

(Suddenly, I hear a smacking noise followed by the man cursing.)

Customer’s wife: “Ignore Ron… he’s a pig, dear. He’s lucky he’s married himself. I’m sure you’re lovely.”

Customer: “Isn’t it time a house fell on you, my darling wife?”

Me: *mouth still agape*

Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 1

, , , , , | Right | February 6, 2009

Me: “Good morning, my name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “That stupid computer doesn’t understand a word I am saying! I hate computers!”

Me: “I’m sorry for any problems you had, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Are you a computer? You sound like a d*** computer!”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well I’m part computer, sir; my mother was a computer.”

Customer: “You’re part computer?”

Me: “Yes, sir, I am a cyborg.”

Customer: “F****** cyborgs!” *click*

Head Explodes In 5, 4, 3…

, , , | Right | February 3, 2009

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food Place]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like the patty melt meal.”

Me: “Okay, would you like the single or double meat?”

Customer: “I just want it the way it comes.”

Me: “Well, we have it in a single and a double meat.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(I didn’t want to piss her off anymore, so I just rang up the double meat. She eventually pulls to the first window.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME, SIR! Why weren’t you listening?”

Me: “I was, ma’am.”

Customer: “NO, YOU WEREN’T! I HAD TO TELL YOU THREE TIMES!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have a double meat or a single meat of the burger. You wouldn’t answer my question.”

Customer: “I JUST WANT IT THE WAY IT COMES!”

(At this point, I’m just, like, ‘screw it,’ and I apologize and gave her the change.)

Me: “Have a good–”

Customer: “Oh, and I want that with mayonnaise instead of the sauce you put on it.”

Me: “…”


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