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Appease The Portuguese

, , , , , | Right | September 7, 2009

(Many South African liquor stores are owned by Portuguese people.)

Customer: “Obrigado!”

(Speaks in Portuguese.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, I don’t speak Portuguese.”

Customer: “WHAT?! Your family didn’t raise you in this s*** country to forget where we come from!” *guttural swearing in Portuguese*

Me: “Yes, sir, but–”

Customer: “WHAT THE F***! Did your daddy run away and leave your mother that you can’t speak, huh? You’re a half-breed! What you gonna do when this f***ing country goes to s*** and we gotta leave, huh?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer: “So, do you even THINK of yourself as Portuguese? Or are you ashamed of where you come from, or what?”

Me: “I’m Spanish.”


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Cash For Baby Bumpers

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(I hear glass shattering from the back of the store, near the wine department. As I head to the source of the sound, I hear a second shatter and see a small child in a cart reaching for a third wine bottle to pull off the rack. There’s no sign of a parent around.)

Me: “Stop that!”

(I grab the cart and pull it away from the wine racks. Suddenly, the absent parent shows up.)

Customer: “How dare you touch that cart! My child is in that cart! How dare you touch my child without my permission!”

Me: “Ma’am, your child has broken two bottles of wine and was about to break a third bottle. I just saved you another $12.99.”

Customer: “Saved me? You’re the one trying to kidnap my child!”

Me: “Ma’am, you already owe me $26 for what happened when you were not watching your own child.”

Customer: “If you’re going to charge me money for bringing my child into the store, I should just let you take him!”


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Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I… I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

Aspirin(g) To Be A Better Doctor

, , , , , | Right | September 2, 2009

(My husband works for the out-of-hours service, and drives and assists the doctors with their house calls. I’m a veterinary nurse and as we work in the same area we often see the same people. At two am, the phone rings.)

Me: “Uh, hello?”

Husband: “Hi, my love. It’s just me. The doctor has a question for you about some meds. Do you mind talking to him?”

Me: “No problem, put him on.”

Doctor: “Hi, we’re at a patient’s house now. She’s worried because she accidentally took her cat’s medication. The thing is, she’s decanted the tablets into a tub and has lost the label. Can you tell me what they are?”

Me: “Well, give me a description of the tablets, I’ll see if I can recognise the med code.”

Doctor: “The pills are round, white, and have A-S-P-I-R-I-N stamped on them.”

Me: “Seriously? Are you kidding me?”

(This clearly sets the doctor off, as he goes off on the following tirade:)

Doctor: “No! You said you would help! What’s your problem, for f*** sake?! I have a patient that may be poisoned and you’re being a b****! It’s my JOB on the line here; do you understand that? MY JOB! I don’t know why I listened to that b**** driver. What would you know, anyway? You are just some idiot nurse for f***ing animals! Nobody would give a s**t what you say, you ignorant cow!”

Me: “It’s an aspirin… spelled A-S-P-I-R-I-N.”

Doctor: *prolonged silence* “I guess I should say sorry now, right?”

See No Evil, Grope No Evil

, , , , , | Right | August 27, 2009

(I’m a man. One of the regular customers at our hardware store is an elderly man named Ernie. Ernie usually came in just after the store opened and there weren’t many customers, so I’d grab a couple of lawn chairs off the shelf and sit out front with him, drinking coffee. Sometimes he’d make fun of my long hair by calling me ‘Missy’ or try to offer me a job as a secretary at his company as a joke, but I shrugged it off. One afternoon, Ernie’s wife comes into the store and encounters the owner.)

Wife: “I’m supposed to drop off these measurements to Jamie for the new kitchen floor they talked about this morning.”

Owner: “You mean Jimmy? He’s the one that talked to Ernie this morning.”

Wife: “I might have the name wrong. My husband said she’s a cute little brunette that wears glasses.”

Owner: “We haven’t had any women working today, ma’am.”

(I walk out of the backroom at this point. Ernie’s wife looks over in my direction, squints a little, and hands the piece of paper to me.)

Wife: “I guess my husband’s vision isn’t what it used to be, sonny.”

Me: “What do you mean, ma’am?”

Wife: “His hearing is gone, too! Don’t worry, sonny. He won’t be trying to play grab-a** with you anymore!”

(Ernie didn’t come in very often after that.)