(In Finland, it’s normal to go to the sauna naked, and even swim naked after the sauna. But at public saunas with separate facilities for men and women, you’re expected to put on a bathing suit before swimming. It’s midsummer and we’re staying at an upscale hotel. We’ve just come from the sauna and pool, where a rather drunk couple are swimming naked.)

Me: “A man and a woman are swimming naked in the pool.”

Desk Clerk #1: “Again?!”

Desk Clerk #2: “You’re going this time.”

(I do background checks and other due-diligence on loan officers who want to hang their license with our mortgage broker. I get a resume for one applicant from our top recruiter. His resume is fine, but his legal documents — I9, W4, etc. — are either incomplete, not filled out, or missing altogether. I email the loan officer about what is missing, and he sends me different copies with some of the originally missing information filled in, but some info still missing, and info that was filled in on previous copies now missing. Some documents are still missing completely. After doing this two or three times, I finally just pick up the phone and call him.)

Me: “Hey, you’re still missing [documents], and [other documents] are still incomplete.”

Loan Officer: *lots of background noise, he’s obviously in a public place* “I sent you all that stuff.”

Me: “You sent in two copies with different info missing in each one, and some info missing in both. And I still haven’t gotten [other documents] that I’ve asked for.”

Loan Officer: “Whatever, man. You can just fill that in. I have some loans I need to start getting funded.”

Me: “We’ve not approved you yet. We need to get this stuff in before we do anything.”

Loan Officer: “Let’s worry about that later. We have to move; I got some deals ready to go.”

Me: “I need to be honest with you; if you can’t be trusted to fill out these legal forms correctly and promptly as asked, how can we trust that you’re handling your loans in a legal and compliant manner?”

Loan Officer: *laughs dismissively* “I’ve got two processors I work with who have over 20 years industry experience, and they handle all that stuff. Don’t worry about it.”

Me: “Okay. If you’re bringing processors with you, we need their resumes and information, too.”

Loan Officer: “I don’t know why you’re being so difficult here. I’m trying to make you guys money.”

Me: “We have to make sure everything is in pla—”

Loan Officer: “Oh, s***! There’s a girl I met at a party last night! I have to go. Email me when you’re done with my paperwork, and I’ll send the loans over!” *hangs up*

(I recommended declining this loan officer. When he got the letter of declination, he wrote back a multi-paragraph tirade directly to our CEO about how disrespected he felt, and how he was going to make us millions of dollars. The CEO had a conversation with him on the phone, and then asked me for the reason for my declination. I explained what took place and, shockingly, the CEO agreed with my assessment. The loan officer called and emailed a couple more times but eventually went away.)

(A customer comes to the service desk in regards to an application he filed a week earlier.)

Me: “Hi, how can I assist you today?”

Customer: “I applied for a job about a week ago, and I’m very interested. I was just wondering if I could leave my information with you guys.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I hand him a clipboard with some papers on it, and he writes down his info.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll give this to our hiring manager; she’ll be in later today.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *begins walking towards up escalator*

Me: “Sir, the exits are over there.” *points in completely opposite direction*

Customer: “Oh.”

(He walked to the bathroom, then checked to see if I was still watching, eventually leaving when he realized I was. I wrote on the note to the manager that he tried to sneak into a movie without a ticket. When she read it, she laughed hysterically and said, “Now I can use this to make sure we don’t hire him!”)

(I work in customer service at a manufacturing company. Usually, customers send in their purchase orders via fax or email, but some prefer to do over-the-phone orders. On this particular day, the caller ID comes up as a customer that is known for being cranky on a good day, and I usually pray that he asks to be transferred to another desk.)

Me: “Good morning. [Company #1]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *already sounding a little cranky* “Hi, I’d like to place an order.”

Me: *internal cringe* “Okay.” *even with caller ID, we have to confirm details* “What company are you from, sir?”

Customer: “[Company #2].”

(Since many of our customers have similar names, I always confirm the address to make sure I am entering the order under the right customer.)

Me: “And that is [Company #2] located out of [address]?”

Customer: *immediately irritable* I’ve ordered from you before.”

Me: “Yes, I know; I’m just confirming that I have the right company.”

Customer: *more irritated* “It’s not being shipped to us. You don’t need our address.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, but I still need to confirm your company address just to make sure I am putting the order with the right customer.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Yes, that’s our address.”

Me: “Okay, and what can I get for you today?”

Customer: *very quickly and not very clearly* “I’d like a [Part Number #1], [Part Number #2], and [Part Number #3] to [His Customer] at [address].”

Me: *cringing* “I’m sorry, sir, but could you slow down? That was a [Part Number #1] and what else?”

(The customer is immediately angry again, and he rattles off the same order and the whole customer address again before I can finish entering even the parts they are ordering.)

Me: *panic level rising* “I’m sorry. I’m going to need that address again. What is the customer name?”

Customer: *almost yelling now* “I said, [whole customer address, slurring the city name beyond recognition].”

Me: *confirming* “And that was [His Customer] out of [Town]?”

Customer: *screaming at the top of his lungs* “LISTEN! I SAID [entire address, very clearly this time since he is yelling in my ears].”

(We luckily don’t get very many rude customers, so I am not used to being yelled at, and I am almost about to cry. I try to make my voice drip with politeness and up the number of “sirs.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I am listening, sir. That was [His Customer] out of [address], correct?”

Customer: *still angrily* “Yes.”

Me: “And how would you like that shipped, sir?”

Customer: *affronted* “Are you new?”

Me: “No, sir. I’ve been here over a year.”

Customer: *suddenly the calmest he’s been the whole time, almost cheerful* “Oh. Well I’d like it shipped [ship method].”

Me: “Okay. I think we’re all set, sir. Is there anything else that I can help you with today?”

Customer: *still inexplicably cheerful* “No, that’s all. You have a nice day, now!”

(After I hang up, I look over and see my fellow office clerk staring at me.)

Clerk: “What was that?! I could hear him yelling all the way over here!”

(Luckily, that customer has been mostly civilized since.)

(I work the night shift at a gas station. One night, a man walks in very cautiously with glazed, bright-red eyes, in his pajamas, reeking of weed. The man slowly walks over to the drinks and gets a tea, then to the chips and picks up a bag of Fritos. The customer pays and walks towards the door.)

Customer: *stops in front of the door, examines the chips* “Aww, man! I wanted Doritos.”

(I let him put it back and grab the Doritos, since they’re the same price.)

Customer: “Gee, thanks, man… You’re the best!“

(I think I made that stoner’s day!)