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Happy Meals Cost A Devil’s Ransom

, , , , , | Working | October 31, 2017

(Every year for Halloween, we have candy available for trick-or-treaters, but we never get very many. This year, one of my managers is mentioning our event to all the parents he sees. I am taking a customer’s order.)

Woman: “Hello, I was wondering, dear… Could I get some kid’s meals without Satan?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Woman: “We don’t want the Satan toys; we just want the regular Christian toys, if you don’t mind.”

(I realize she is talking about our Halloween theme toys and rush off to find some of our old toys instead. I get back and finish taking the customer’s order without incident. When I turn away, she comes back to the counter and approaches my manager.)

Woman: “Excuse me, sir? I forgot to ask for sauces for my kid’s meals.”

Manager: “Of course. Here you are, ma’am! Have you heard we are doing Trick-or-Treating this year? You could bring your kids down for some candy and games!”

(The woman throws the sauces at my manager and storms off.)

Manager: *bewildered* “What did I do?”

Me: “You just asked the woman who called our Halloween toys ‘Satan Toys’ if she would bring her kids here to celebrate Halloween!”

This story is part of our Devilish Halloween roundup!

Read the next Devilish Halloween roundup story!

Read the Devilish Halloween roundup!

Might As Well As Dressed Up As Harvey Weinstein

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 31, 2017

(I am 15 and have decided to spend Halloween night handing out candy. I did this last year, too, and I had a lot of fun with what few kids came by, and even did what was basically a drive-through so kids who couldn’t leave their cars could have some candy. My dad helps me set up properly so I can have more trick-or-treaters before going off with my younger siblings. The first incident occurs midway through the night, after I make the decision to give candy to adults, too. I see two women walking down the street, so I wave to them and offer them candy. As they approach, I get a closer look at one woman’s costume. Though clearly white, the woman has painted her face black, which most people recognize is racist.)

Me: “Uh, who are you dressed as?”

Woman: “I’m Oprah Winfrey!”

(Unsure how to respond, I let her take candy and go, though later I wish I had called her out on it. The next incident occurs later in the night, as I’m running low on candy. A group of boys in black morph suits with the face coverings pulled down approach. I recognize one of them from a theatre class. He is a grade below me. As I’m offering them candy, they start making less-than-savory comments about my breasts.)

Me: *in a falsely sweet voice* “Sorry, I’m all out of candy. Goodbye.”

(I ended up having to chase them off several times, refusing to give them any candy. Eventually, they begged a couple of girls in a golf cart to give them candy, and I chased them away again. Since that particularly eventful Halloween, I haven’t given out candy to trick-or-treaters. Black-face and sexual harassment really take the joy out of Halloween.)

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 31

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work for a major company for Internet, TV, and phone services, and this call comes in.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my f****** Internet isn’t working every time I use the d*** vacuum cleaner!”

Me: “Okay, that’s weird. Can you tell me in depth how you know that the vacuum cleaner is the issue?”

Customer: “Well, whenever I clean the house, I don’t have Internet, TV, or a phone line. It is starting to freak me out!”

Me: “But I can see that the services are working just fine.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the weird part; like ten to fifteen minutes after my husband comes home from work, everything works perfectly.”

Me: “Is your husband there, because maybe he fixes it somehow?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on. I’ll get him for you.” *screams husband’s name*

Husband: “Hello, this is [Husband]. What’s up?”

Me: “Your wife told me the services like Internet and TV aren’t working all day long after she used the vacuum cleaner, and just like magic, when you come home from work everything works again.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s true. Whenever she uses the vacuum, she pulls the plug of the router and modem to put the plug of the vacuum cleaner in. Then, she removes the vacuum cleaner, but doesn’t put the plug of the modem and router back in.”

Me: *confused* “So… why didn’t you tell her this?”

Husband: “Because she thinks the router and modem don’t have anything to do with Internet and TV because she uses ‘wireless services.’ She always says she wants to throw the router and modem away because she never uses them.”

Me: *almost crying* “Okay, well, I suggest you tell her that they are needed.”

Husband: “Nope, that’s your job. Good luck.” *passes the phone back to his wife*

Customer: “Hey, so is it fixed?”

Me: “Well, it seems that you pull the plug of the modem and router whenever you use the vacuum cleaner, but forget to put the plug back in. Your husband puts the plugs back when he’s home, so that’s why all services work whenever he comes home.”

Customer: “But I use wireless; I don’t need that stupid box of s***.”

Me: “Well, actually, you need it, ma’am, because that box sends the wireless signal.”

Customer: “Oh.” *screams the name of the husband* “YOU MOTHERF*****! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS, YOU PIECE OF S***? NOW I’M F****** EMBARRASSED, YOU D***-HEAD!”

Me: “Is there anything I can assist you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Lots of love, and thanks for the support!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a nice day.”

(Just when I said my last line, I heard pots and pans getting thrown around. I just hung up and burst into laughter. My supervisor asked me why I was laughing, so I told him the story and let him listen to the call. It was a fun day.)

We’re Not Selling What You’re Buying

, , , , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I work at a large and “alternative” store known for its laid back attitude and plain-clothes “uniform.” People tend to shop at this store for the prices, regardless of how they feel about alternative culture. We are trained to ask open-ended questions when approaching customers.)

Me: “Hi there! What brings you into [Store] today?”

Customer: *looking me up and down with disdain* “Does this look like a F****** CHEMIST to you?”

Me: *stuttering* “No?”

Customer: “Then, clearly, I want to buy something! F***!”

Me: *smiles and walks off*

Smoking Is A Habit That Will Kill You All

, , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(I’m filling up my tank when I hear shouting from the next pump over.)

Guy: “Turn the pump on!”

Attendant: *over the intercom* “Sir, I told you that you have to put out your cigarette before I can turn the pump on!

Guy: *getting louder* “TURN THE PUMP BACK ON, GOD D*** IT!”

Guy’s Girlfriend: “C’mon! Turn the pump on! We paid already!”

Attendant: “I will turn it on when he puts out his cigarette!”

(They keep going back and forth for about a minute or so until the guy finally puts out his cigarette.)

Guy’s Girlfriend: “UGH! Finally!”

(They seemed like a really great couple.)