Personally, I Go There To Do My Taxes

, , , | Right | September 11, 2008

(A group of annoying teenagers had been removed from one of the screens in the cinema for being loud and causing a huge disturbance.)

Teenager: “I want a refund. I want to talk to a manager. This is unfair!”

Usher: “Well, you can talk to a manager, but they’ll tell you the same thing I’ve told you.” *calls a manager over*

Manager: “What’s the problem here?”

Teenager: “We’ve been kicked out of the cinema because apparently someone said we were being noisy and disturbing the film.”

Manager: “Yes?”

Teenager: “Yeah, well, we think it’s unfair and we want a refund.”

Manager: “And why should we give you a refund?”

Teenager: “Well, you know how it is… You come to the cinema to have a laugh and a chat with your mates–”

Manager: “No, you don’t. You come to the cinema to watch a film. Get out.”

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Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

, , , | Right | September 8, 2008

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)

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Permission To Abuse, Denied

, , , | Right | August 30, 2008

(I’m trying to organize curtains, shams, valances, etc. when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “I certainly do, can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *snotty* “Yeah, can you get out of my way, please?”

Me: “…”

Customer: *to his wife* “I can say that to her because she works here!”

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Fowl Mouthed

, , , , | Right | August 26, 2008

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want lunch meat.”

Me: *grinning* “You’ve come to the right place!”

Customer: “I don’t appreciate your attitude, you f****** b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m paying for your brown a** to live here!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m Irish. And I’ve lived here my entire life.”

Customer: “GIVE ME SOME F****** TURKEY!”

Me: “What type of turkey would you like?”

Customer: “Plain!”

Me: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-free? We also have a wide selection of gourmet turkeys, such as honey maple and tomato basil.”

Customer: “My kid won’t eat that fancy s***! I just want some f****** turkey!”

(The store manager has been standing behind her the entire time and speaks up.)

Manager: “Cooked? Smoked? Oven Roasted? Fat-Free? She gave you the types. Just f****** pick a flavour so she can serve me so I can take my lunch!”

Customer: “F*** THIS COUNTRY!”

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Sorry, You’ve Just Exceeded Our Stupid Quota

, , | Right | August 21, 2008

(It was an hour before closing, and all of us were very tired; the manager included.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Customer: “What does the chicken sandwich look like?” *points at a picture of it*

Me: “It looks just like the one in the picture, ma’am.”

Customer: “Are you sure? How long have you been working here?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m sure. I’ve been working here for over a year.”

Customer: “Well, um… I guess I’ll get that one.”

(I take her money and give her the chicken sandwich.)

Customer: “This is not what it looks like!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Get me your manager, d*** it!”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “This chicken sandwich is not like in the picture!”

Manager: “Yes, you’re right. The one the picture is over a foot wide and fake.”

Customer: “I will not stand for this!”

Manager: “Neither will I. Leave my employees alone!”

Customer: *starts screaming*

Manager: “You have a happy-go-lucky day now, ma’am!”

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